


Our little girl

by Bewa



Series: Even and Isak as fosterparents [2]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: AU grown up Even and Isak, Even and Isak as fosterparents, Everything is ok, M/M, Married Evak
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-02-15 12:18:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 75,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13030965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bewa/pseuds/Bewa
Summary: Even and Isak are asked to take a little girl in to their care.This is a addition to another fic, "Bring him home."





	1. The first step

**Author's Note:**

> Soo...  
> I didn't manage to stay away for long. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

When the phone call from Anna came, and she asked the question, Isak wasn’t prepared at all. He didn’t know what to say – because honestly he didn’t get the question – so he didn’t say anything. It felt like a billion seconds of silent before she asked again.

_“Isak, are you still there?”_

“Yes,” he whispered. “I’m still here. Just wasn’t prepared for neither your call or the question. You calling kind of sent me a couple of years back, and I somehow got in fear and flight mode. Sorry!”

_“Sorry, Isak. This has nothing to do with Lucas.”_

“I understand that now, it’s just my head you know. I’m used to receive your messages through Even.”

_“Understandably, but I couldn’t reach him on the phone, and this is kind of urgent.”_

“Oh – could you please repeat your question? I don’t think I got it all.” Isak smiled to himself. He wasn’t prepared for the call from Anna. They’d agreed that all calls from her or the child services regarding Lucas should go through Even, because Isak couldn’t do it since the autumn when they almost lost Lucas. And when he saw Annas number on his display, he kind of freaked out. But it didn’t concern Lucas now.

_“We have this little girl in desperate need for a fosterhome. She’s only two weeks old, and her mother has left her to the services, knowing she’s not capable of taking care of her. The mother is a drug addict, and she don’t want the little girl. And we thought of you, because we’ve talked about it earlier, that maybe you would like a sibling to Lucas.”_

Isak didn’t know what to answer. He didn’t know what to think. A little girl? A baby? Tiny little baby girl.

“I’ll have to get back to you Anna. I have to talk to Even.”

_“Of course you have to. But I’m afraid I can’t give you much time. The girl is in temporary fostercare now, and there are a lot of people who’d like an infant. May I suggest a meeting Friday at 10?”_

Friday, Isak thought. The day after tomorrow. They could probably do that.

“Yeah. That could be arranged. I’ll get back to you when I’ve talked to Even. He should be home around 1700. Can I text you this evening?” Isak looked at the time – it was quarter past twelve now. He was about to leave work, picking up Lucas from school.

_“Sure. You’ve got my number. Please, feel free to call or message me at any time this evening.”_

“Ok, bye!”

_“Bye, Isak!”_

He hung up. Thoughts going wild in his head. A baby girl. It was what they’d been talking about. Actually they’d been talking quite a lot about it lately, how nice it had been with a little brother or sister to Lucas. He was eight (and a half, dad. Eight and a half!) now, and was in third grade at school and did very well. He had lots of friends, but Marcus was his best friend at school, and Kerim was his best friend too, despite they attended different schools. The three of them were the best friends in the whole wide world, and when they got together nothing could tear them apart. Isak loved that the sons of his best friends had grown so close to Lucas. He was so grateful.

And a little girl. That would just be awesome. But then; what if the same thing happened with her as it had with Lucas. Her mother suddenly taking the case to a trial and they lost her. He couldn’t go through that one more time. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t manage that, he knew. And he wasn’t sure Even would either. They’d vaguely talked about adoption, but hadn’t done anything more to it yet. They were still kind of young, Isak had turned 32 in June, and Even was 34, and adopting at that age was no problem.

Isak walked out of the hospital, and got to the tram stop. He watched the people walking past him, and looked particularly at the once with strollers. He could clearly picture himself with a stroller with Even and Lucas. He knew Lucas would be a great big brother, knowing how much he cared for both Bea and Ayla. He loved those little girls. Played with them, read to them, talked with them and helped them. He was a natural at it.

Isak got on the tram picking out his phone and wrote a message to Even.

**< 3 MY HANDSOME HUSBAND <3 (12:20)**

_“Hey handsome”_

_“Are you home by 1700?”_

_“ <3”_

He knew Even probably wouldn’t answer in a while. There were exams at UNI now, and he was up to his ears in work. But he always was home by five, never staying late. Isak was so proud of him taking care of himself. When they almost lost Lucas, that autumn, Isak was almost certain it would cause Even to go into a manic episode or a depressive period, but he didn’t. He had some days he was down and exhausted some weeks after, but not so bad it could be classified as a full depressive period. He was able to get out of bed and function at home, just not at work and outside the house.

 Kriss had been their anchor together with Anders and Liv. He honestly didn’t know how they got through it, but they did. And Lucas stayed. He could still remember the feeling he got when they got the message in Anna’s office a little more than two years ago. It was pure happiness and relief. And when they got back home and could tell the news to Lucas…. Amazing. Isak thought back to the scene that occurred when they came back after the meeting.

_Lucas was curled up on the sofa, sleeping with his head in Liv’s lap. Even had walked over to him and sat down on the floor beside him and stroke his hair and cheek. Both Even and himself had smiled so widely that Liv and Anders understood that something good had happened._

_“What’s happened? You two look just as you looked when you got married? It’s not the same faces that was on the two boys who left this house an hour ago?” Liv looked at them. Isak smiled at the description of Even and him as boys, but maybe they did look like two boys now? He had looked at Even and nodded. It was Even’s story to tell._

_“We got full custody for Lucas.” He smiled even wider – if it was possible._

_“What?” Anders stood up. “You did?”_

_“Yes…” Isak said, and couldn’t say more because he had his arms full of Anders. He hugged him so tight he hardly could breath. And Liv threw herself at Even and hugged him while the tears just flowed._

_Lucas woke because of the sudden movement Liv had done, and when he saw Liv crying, his face turned pale and Isak could see fear in his eyes. He let go of Anders and hurried over to him and took him in his lap._

_“Hey sweetie. You’re awake. How’s your stomach?”_

_“Better” he whispered. “Why is Grandma crying?”_

_“She’s just happy” Isak said, smiled at him. “You know the meeting Even and I should go to?”_

_“Yeah” he still whispered._

_“Anna’s boss said you’re going to stay with us. As long as you need. You’re staying with us, Luc.”_

_Lucas just stared at him for a while, and then he threw himself around Isak’s neck and cried. He gripped his neck so hard that Isak had trouble breathing, but he didn’t care. Didn’t want Lucas to loosen his grip. He needed it, so Isak put his arms around his back and held him tight to his chest. And Even came up in the sofa with them and put his arms around Lucas as well and whispered in Lucas ear;_

_“You’re staying Luc. Your home is with us. Until you’re all grown up. And even longer.”_

Isak snapped out of the memory by a sound from his phone. It was a message from Even.

**< 3 MY HANDSOM HUSBAND <3 (12:29)**

_“Hey yourself, handsomer!”_

_“Maybe earlier. Just three candidates left.”_

_“You and Lucas going shopping after school?”_

_“Yeah, that’s the plan.”_

_“New jacket and a pair of winter shoes, wasn’t it?”_

_“Yes. And beanie, gloves and woollen underwear.”_

_“At least three pairs!”_

_“Got it!”_

_“I’m the master of shopping clothes!”_

_“No, you’re not. You hate it!”_

_“I really do!”_

_“Wish you could come with us.”_

_“Shopping is much more fun with you!”_

_“I know.”_

_“I’m fun to be with!”_

_“But you’ll manage.”_

_“Lucas know what he wants. Just buy what he wants.”_

_“He’s a sensible boy!”_

_“I know.”_

_“I’ve rubbed off on him!”_

_“No, you haven’t.”_

_“He’s got that from my mother.”_

_“You’re probably right.”_

_“What do you want for dinner?”_

_“You’re making or ordering?”_

_“What do you think?”_

_“Ordering”_

_“We can have pizza.”_

_“And a happy eight-year-old!”_

_“Eight and A HALF!”_

_“Of course!”_

_“ <3”_

_“Got to work. See you later.”_

_“Love you <3”_

_“Love you!”_

_“ <3”_

Isak smiled at the phone. How could it be that he still felt the butterflies in his stomach just by messaging Even? He shook his head, and realized that the tram had stopped at Lucas’ school. He got up and got of just in time.

Lucas was one of the last out – as usual. He was – again as usual – talking to Marcus and they smiled and laughed. When he looked up and saw Isak he smiled.

“Hey, dad! Can Marcus come with us, please?”

Isak smiled at them, knowing they wanted to be together 24/7 if they could, but not today.

“Sorry, boys. We’re going shopping for clothes, Lucas. And I think it’s a good idea that we do that on our own, Marcus.”

“Yeah.” Marcus smiled. “Me too. I hate shopping.”

“You can come tomorrow if it’s ok with Jonas and Eva. Lucas has to attend the after school program for a couple of hours though, but I can pick you up around 1530?”

“Cool!” Marcus said.

“Ok with that, Luc?”

“Sure. See you tomorrow, Marcus. Bye.”

“Bye” Marcus said, smiling and walked back to the after school.”

Lucas turned to Isak, grabbed his hand as they started to walk to the tram.

“What clothes are we shopping for?” he asked.

“Shoes, jacket and woollen underwear, I’ve got a list from dad.”

“I hate woollen underwear.” Lucas scrunched his whole face. “It’s itchy.”

Isak smiled. He knew. He hated it too. Lucas had picked after him in so many ways during the five years they’d have him. Science-geek, rolling eyes, hated woollen underwear, grumpy in the morning…. Isak smiled even wider.

“We’ll see if we can find some itchy-free underwear then” Isak squeezes his hand.

Lucas nodded. “Why isn’t dad coming with us?”

“Exams at UNI. He would love to be with us, but there are exams all week, and shopping after 1800 with you are not a clever idea, and you have to have those winter clothes for Friday when you’re going on that fieldtrip with your class. The weather forecast says it’s going to snow.”

“Yippie! Snow!! I have to get a new pair of pants too. The old one got a hole on both knees.”

“Ok. New pants too, on the list!”

They walked on the tram and found a free seat for the both of them, sitting down and Lucas put his face to the window, watching all the people on the streets.

“Dad?”

“Hmm?” Isak was reading some news on his phone.

“Hey, dad?” Lucas turned around, looking at him.

“What?” he looked at him, and saw Lucas smiling his mischievous smile he always had when he was up to something. “What’s on your mind now, Luc?”

“You should text grandma and ask her to come with us. Then you’ll have someone to talk to when you don’t have a clue.”

“I don’t have a clue? I’m the master of shopping, Lucas.”

“No, you’re not, dad. You hate it!”

Isak smiled at him. “I do. But sometimes we got to do things we don’t like, right. And this is one of the things I have to do. But texting Grandma was a good idea! You’re so clever, Luc!”

“I know” Lucas said with a grin on his face.

**MUM <3 (12:55)**

_“Hey”_

_“Your two favourite boys are heading downtown to shop clothes now.”_

_“Want to join us?”_

It didn’t take long before she answered.

_“Oh, that would be so fun, but I’m sorry, sweeties. I’m stucked at work till at least 1400. Maybe I can join you then, if you’re not done?”_

_“Ok. We’ll see how long the shopping takes.”_

_“By the way; why are you and Luc shopping alone?”_

_“Does Even know you’re out shopping without an adult?_ _J_ _”_

_“Hey, that’s rude!”_

_“_ _J_ _”_

_“He’s at work until 1700, and Lucas need new clothes.”_

_“Fieldtrip with his class on Friday.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“I bet you’re not done by 1400.”_

_“Yeah, probably not.”_

_“I hope to see you later!”_

_“Me too.”_

_“Give Luc a kiss from me, please!”_

_“On the tram?”_

_“I don’t think so.”_

_“He would be furious!”_

_“Hug then.”_

_“That’s playing with fire, but I’ll try!”_

_“ <3”_

_“ <3”_

Isak smiled to himself as he put down the phone. Giving Lucas a kiss on the tram, he was sure he would erupt like a volcano!

“What did she say, dad? Lucas watched him. “And why are you smiling so?”

“She asked me to give you a kiss…..

Lucas face changed – it was all embarrassed and angry at once, and his eyes got dark and his voice low; “Don’t you dare…”

“… but I told her I couldn’t..”

Lucas sighed in relief.

“… then she asked me to give you a hug.” Isak smiled at him.

“That I can do.” Lucas smiled again, anger slipped away from his face and he leaned in to Isak and hugged him, he even put his arms around Isak’s neck, and Isak put his arms around the boy he silently called his son, and hugged him tight. “Ok, that’s enough” Lucas said, untangled himself from Isak’s embrace. “Is she coming?”

“She got to work until 1400, so maybe she’s joining us later. If we’re not done until then.”

Lucas looked at his watch and smiled. “We’re definitely not done until then. It’s just an hour. Now way we’re done until that!”

Isak silently agreed. They wouldn’t be done until then, because they both wanted to spend some time with Liv.

 

 

They got downtown and started their search for winter clothes and shoes. The shoes were simple. Done in the first shop they went too. So was the gloves and beanies and the jacket and pants too. The woollen underwear was a challenge, and already by the second shop Lucas sighed and stated a bit grumpy and tired;

“Can we have something to eat, dad. I’m hungry and my feet hurts.”

“Sure, sweetie. We can go over to Starbucks and get something. It’s a quarter past two by the way. What about texting grandma?”

Lucas smiled and nodded.

**< 3 MUM <3 (14:15)**

_“Hey.”_

_“We’re at Starbucks at Oslo City if you want to join us?”_

_“Hey you!”_

_“Walking out of my office now. Be there in ten.”_

_“Thank you!”_

“She’s coming in ten” Isak smiled at Lucas. “What do you want to eat and drink?”

“Hot coco and a cinnamon roll”, he answered.

“OK. Just sit here and wait, I’ll soon be back.”

Lucas nodded, climbed up on a chair and Isak stuffed all their bags under the table. It was close to the counter, so Isak could easily watch him while he bought food and drinks to them. They never left him out of sight whenever they were in crowded places. They knew they were overprotective about it, but who could blame them. And Lucas actually never asked to go on his own. He was scared being left alone, he didn’t even like being alone at home, so he never was.

Isak brought back a coco and cinnamon roll for Lucas and two coffees and a sandwich for himself and Liv. She soon joined them, leaning in to give Isak a kiss on the cheek, and one for Lucas. He wrinkled his face;

“Grandma, we’re in public. You can’t do that!”

“Sure I can. I’m your grandma. I can always kiss you – and always will!” She smiled at him, and actually got a smile back. “So how are you boys managing the shopping. Still can’t believe Even’s let you on to this all by yourself.”

“We’re the masters of shopping grandma!” Lucas smiled. “I’ve got shoes, jacket, pants, two pair of gloves and two beanies. We’ve got woollen underwear left. Ugh!”

“You don’t like woollen underwear?”

“It’s itchy.”

“I know where they’ve got woollen underwear that’s not itchy. We can go there after we’re done eating.”

“Cool!”

They chatted a bit about school, work and everyday stuff, before they collected their stuff and headed off to the shop Liv knew about.

The shop was filled with childrens clothes, and Liv walked straight to the shelf with underwear. It was wool with a thin layer of silk on the inside. She picked out a sweater and asked Lucas to go try it on.

Isak had stopped by another shelf. It was all girl’s clothes, tiny girl’s clothes, and he just stood there and stared at the tiny clothing, dresses, sweaters, socks, pants, mittens, beanies… They were all so beautiful, tiny, shining.  His thoughts drifted off a bit. Thinking about dressing a little girl in all those beautiful clothes. Having her in his arms, putting her down in Evens arms. Picturing Lucas play with her… He almost picked some of them down. Liv came up behind him,

“I don’t think Lucas want to wear those” she whispered in Isak’s ear. Isak felt himself blush, and turned around.

“Oh, I know. I just…”

“Something you guys haven’t told us?”

“No, it’s… No.”

“Isak, I know you. Something is up. Please tell me?”

“I haven’t talked to Even about it yet, but Anna called today and asked if we wanted to take care of a little girl. She’s only two weeks old. You can’t tell him I told you first.”

“Oh my God, Isak. That’s wonderful.”

“Nothing’s decided yet, we’ve got to talk about it first. I’m kind of scared. What if the same thing happens to her as it did to Lucas. I can’t handle it.”

“It won’t. That horrible thing can’t happen twice. That’s not possible.”

“Probably not. We still got to talk about it, and you can’t say anything. Promise me!”

“I’ll promise.”

“Hey dad!” Lucas voice sounded from the back of the store. “These ones do not itch. It’s like magic!”

Isak walked over to him, smiling, he looked back over his shoulder and saw Liv standing by the shelf and looked at the girl’s clothes. She touched some of them and picked a couple of them down.

“That’s wonderful, Luc. Which one do you want to have? Dad said three sweaters and three pair of pants, but I’ll think we’ll take four.”

“I want this one” he touched the one he was wearing, it was red and white “and a green one, a blue and the purple and black one. And the matching pants.”

“You sure about the purple one?”

“Yes. Boys can wear purple you know!”

“I know. I just didn’t know you liked it.” He smiled at Lucas. Proud of him for choosing colours of his own liking, and not what others thought.

They payed and walked out of the shop. Liv got out some minutes after with a bag in her hand.

“You bought something too, grandma?”

“Yeah.” She smiled at Isak, and Isak knew which shelf she’d picked from. He just shook his head and smiled.

 

 


	2. The second step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even talk about having a little girl in their care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fast update, can't promise it will stay this way, but enjoy for now!

When Even came home that evening, Isak was restless and a bit nervous about telling Even about his conversation with Anna. Not because he thought Even would dislike it or something like that, it was just such a big and a scary step. There were so may “what if’s”. At the same time Isak knew that Even was going to answer all the ‘what if’s’ with sensible thoughts and it soothed Isak at the same time as it scared him.

“Hey handsome!” Even greeted him as he walked into the kitchen.

“Hey you.” Isak walked up to him and gave him a kiss. “All good at the UNI? All straight A’s from your students today?”

“Almost.” Even grinned, “One B, the rest A’s.”

“Must be the handsome and clever man teaching them!” Isak grinned.

“Must be.” Even smiled back at him. Even looked at him as he knew something was going on. Isak could feel it, even if he tried to hide it. Even drew his breath and spoke; “Sooo, I had a missed call from Anna today. Did she call you?”

Isak felt like his face was dropping on the ground. Of course. She had called Even first, and he had seen the lost call. Of course. Isak was kind of glad it was Even that brought it up.

“Yeah. It’s something we got to talk about. You and me. Not a conversation we have over dinner with small ears.” He smiled.

“Nothing about Lucas?” Isak heard the nervousness in Evens voice.

“No, of course not. I would have called you right away.” He smiled, and kissed the wonderful tall man in front of him once more. “It’s about something else, but I don’t think Lucas should be involved.” He smiled. “yet” he added, barely audible.

Even smiled at him. Isak thought he understood what it was, but he didn’t ask any more questions.

They called Lucas down for dinner, ate and chatted like they used to. Lucas showed Even all the clothes they’d bought, and it looked like Even was kind of impressed. Lucas also told him that they had seen Liv. Even grinned widely at Isak when Lucas told that part, and Isak might had blushed a bit. But he knew Even loved it when he asked his mother for advice and they spent time with her even if it was without him.

When Lucas was all tucked up in bed and fast asleep and the house was tidy (or at least not a total mess), they grabbed a cup of coffee each and sat by the kitchen table, candles burning, some homemade biscuits (Even’s of course) in a bowl and a little flower. Isak still loved their kitchen and their kitchen table. It was home.

“So,” Isak started. “The call from Anna.”

“Yeah, the call from Anna” Even repeated.

“She called to ask us if we want to take a little girl in fostercare.”

“Oh!” Evens eyes widened. “A little girl.” Isak could see his eyes sparkle by the thought. “How little?”

“Two weeks.”

“TWO?” Even burst out, “Two WEEKS? Like an infant?”

“Yeah, two weeks old babies are kind of infants.” Isak smiled.

“They’re very small” Even mumbled.

“Yes, they are. What do you think about it?”

“What do you think about it?”

“I asked first,” Isak smiled

“I think I want to,” he drew his breath. “No, let me rephrase that; I really want to.”

Yeah, me to” Isak replied, “but it kind of scares me too.”

“Because she’s an infant?”

“No, because of what might happen. You know, if something like what happened to Lucas happens to her. I don’t know if I can take it. I don’t know if….”

Even grabbed his hand over the table.

“It won’t.”

“You don’t know that, Ev”

“No, but I don’t think cruel things like that can happen twice.” Even squeezes his hands and smiled that reassuring smile only Even could give him, and it was just what Liv had said too. Such cruel things couldn’t happen twice. But what if it did? Even continued; “What about her parents?”

“Anna didn’t say anything about the father, her mother is a drug-addict. She’s on the street, don’t want the girl.”

“Oh” Even said. “Did she use drugs while she was pregnant?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I kind of freaked out when Anna called me. I thought it was something about Lucas. She never calls me you know.”

“That’s ok. We can ask Anna.”

“We don’t have much time to decide because of her age. There are apparently a lot of parents wanting an infant. Anna wants us to come to the her office at Friday at 1000. Can you come?”

“Sorry, not at 1000. The exams start at 1100, so I have to be there at 1030, but if the meeting can start at 0900 it’s ok.”

“Want me to text Anna and set it up?”

“Do you want to?”

“We can set up the meeting, and we can talk more about it. It’s not like setting the meeting means we’re taking her.”

“Then text her.” Even smiled, leaned over the kitchen table and kissed him.

 

**ANNA (20:50)**

_“We would like to come to the meeting at Friday”_

_“But Even has to work from 1030.”_

_“Could we set the meeting to 0900?”_

_“Isak Bech Næsheim.”_

It didn’t take long for Anna to respond.

_“0900 is ok.”_

_“See you then.”_

_“Anna”._

 

“It’s ok” Isak said. “0900 Friday morning it is.” He smiled at Even.

“Great. You know, I’ve been dreaming about having a little girl too, you know. A little princess.”

“Yeah, I know. We’ve talked about it but now it’s for real. We can be parents to an infant Even, in just maybe a month. That’s kind of scary. If we say ‘yes’ we say goodbye to a lot of things for a while.”

“Like what?”

“Like decent sleep through the night. Like the bed to ourselves. Like sex every or every other night.” He grinned widely at the last.

“I think we know how to make time and space for sex even with an infant. We managed when Lucas occupied our bed too, so we’ll manage now.”

“You’re right. But what about sleeping – you need your sleep, how will you manage?” Isak knew that he was the one to take most of the nights because of Even’s sleeping schedule. But he didn’t really mind. He also knew that Even – as the morning bird he was – would let him sleep in the mornings. It was ok. It was the way they’d done it with Lucas, so why not with an infant. But then again; an infant cried a lot, and that might disturb Evens sleep.

“We’ll work that one out. I might go sleep in the guestroom every now and then.”

“I don’t like sleeping without you.” Isak pouted.

“I’ll use earplugs then. We’ll sort that one out. And maybe she’s an angel that doesn’t cry at nights?” Even smiled, got up and walked around the table and sat beside him, caressed his cheek and gave him a long sweet kiss.

“And who will stay at home with her? The first year?”

“Oh” Even leaned back. “We could do it both, like maybe every other month? Or half a year each?”

“You think your boss wouldn’t mind you staying away for half a year?”

“I don’t know. I have to talk to him. But what about you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think my boss would mind. But it’s all so sudden so I haven’t thought about that before right now. I kind of enjoyed being home when we got Lucas, getting to know him, be there with him, and with you doing most of the work from home, we were a lot around both him and each other. And it’s been five years since Lucas came, and four since I got back to work fulltime, so I could probably do it.”

Isak’s thought drifted while he continued speaking; “Maybe I can do some research on the side? That would actually be nice. If I get some research done on the side, the paternity leave can be prolonged too, maybe I get one and a half, maybe two years off?”

Even smiled at him, lovingly. He grabbed him by the neck and kissed him deeply. “Sounds like you’re planning to have a little girl in our family, Dr. Bech Næsheim.”

“Maybe I am, Professor Bech Næsheim.” Isak smiled into the kiss. Even wasn’t actually a professor, he had a Ph.D., but Isak loved to call him 'professor', because every time he talked about movies or something else he truly loved and talked about it with passion, he sounded like one. Even smiled at him.

“I would really like to have a little girl, Is. Even if it’s scary. Even if it might fuck up my sleeping-schedule. Even if it might make you grumpy because of sleep deprivation. Even if it might cause jealousy from Lucas.  Even if it makes our house a mess for some months or years. Even if it might freak us out.” Even drew his breath and kissed him again. “Because I got to do it with you.”

Isak smiled at him. He couldn’t believe this man.

 “You’re so sappy, Ev. But I love you because – and despite – of it. And fuck yeah. I would really like to have a little girl too.” He kissed him back, and Even pulled him closer, putting his arms around his back and lifted his shirt, sneaking his hands under it to touch his skin.

Isak could feel Even’s large, warm hands on his back, slowly going up and down while the kiss became deeper. He kissed his cheek, jaws, down to his neck, and he pulled him closer, so Isak was about to fall of his chair. He got up and sat on Even’s lap instead, straddled him, pushed himself into him, and felt him through the fabric of both their jeans. Isak tugged on Evens shirt, and Even let go of him for a second so Isak could get it over his head, and tossed it away. He leaned in to feel the naked chest to his face, kissing him all over, almost worshipping him, stroke his hands all over and kissed again. Evens breath turned heavier, he grabbed Isak’s shirt, it was a button up, but Even didn’t bother to unbutton it, he just teared it off him, and Isak smiled at him. It wasn’t  the first shirt he had to sew the buttons back on during the years. Even caressed his chest, back, stomach and Isak couldn’t help it but moaned loud.

“Wanna take this further in our bed?” Even moaned back.

“Think that might be a good idea!” Isak whispered into his ear.  

Even grabbed his thighs and got on his feet, lifting him up and held him.

“You seriously gonna carry me upstairs?”

“Yeah. Don’t want to let you go. Need you close.”

Isak locked his ankles behind Evens back so he sat on his hips, grabbing his shoulders and held on tight. Even managed actually to carry him all the way up to their bedroom, and they both fell down on the bed, lost in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, comments and kudos!
> 
> Really appreciate it!
> 
> <3


	3. The third step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Telling Lucas

Isak woke up Thursday morning with the feeling of butterflies in his stomach. He couldn’t understand why at once, not before he turned around in his bed and remembered what they’d talked about last night. 

The little girl. 

They would be parents to a little girl. Or at least they would say yes to Anna’s request, and then it wasn’t up to them anymore. They’d talked about it when they lay in bed, sweat and happy with grins on their faces, bodies all relaxed, agreeing that this was actually something they really wanted to, and they had talked through Isak’s fears once again and they weren’t so frightening anymore. They both fell asleep, confident and happy about their decision. 

Isak turned around to lay on his side, facing Even. He put his hand up to his chin and stroke it carefully. Followed his jawlines up and down, up to his hair, run his fingers slowly through it, let them go down to his forehead and down to the eyebrows, caressing carefully. His eyelids started to shiver, and soon he opened his eyes, blinking some times before he opened them with a smile. 

“Good morning” Isak smiled. “Slept well?”

“After last night’s exercises? Like a log!” he giggled “How about you? Sore?”

“Not so bad. It’s been worse and I kind of like it. Reminds me of you.” He smiled and leaned in to kiss him. Isak curled himself up to Evens chest, and Even turned on his back so Isak could lay his head comfortably on his shoulder. 

“We’re going to be parents to a girl, Isak. I’m so happy. Should we tell Lucas?”

“Suppose so. Bet you a blowjob he’s coming in here in less than five minutes. We can tell him when he comes.”

“I’m not betting.” Even smiled widely – “I know he will come, and you will get your blowjob anyway – and so am I!”

“You’re right. No betting. Just blowjobs.” Isak smiled at him, tilted his head up and got one more kiss. Morningbreath was no excuses not to kiss this wonderful man, he thought and got up on his elbow to lean over him and deepened the kiss as he heard the door handle been pushed down. He lay down on Evens chest again and smiled, whispered to Even “less than two minutes – I would have won!”

“You’ll get the price anyway.” Even held him tight. 

The door opened and the light from the hallway started to fill the room, they saw Lucas tiny shadow appearing on the wall, but pretended to sleep. They felt the bed move as Lucas crawled up into it from the end, crawling over their feet. 

“Dad?” he whispered. “Daddy Even? Are you awake? Daddy Isak?”

He continued to crawl, and pushed himself in-between them. He loved snuggling up between them in bed. The safest spot in his life. The place he had come back to again and again when the nightmares had taken over his dreams, when the thoughts had been too tough for a little boy aged three, four, five, especially six-seven and eight, when the fear had gotten into his head. And Isak and Even would never, ever deny him that spot. They moved inches away from each other so Lucas could fit between them, and he sighed. They both put their arms over him, and they started giggling, both of them. 

“Oh, you ARE awake!” Lucas huffed. “I tried to be as silent as I could.”

“I know, and you did very well. If I hadn’t been awake, I wouldn’t have noticed you.” Even ruffled his hair. 

“It’s kind of nice that you came in here now. We have something to tell you.”

“Oh?” Lucas looked at them, anticipation in his face, not fear as it had been every time they said they should talk about something until about a year after “the autumn of horror”. “What? Say it, dad!” 

“Even? Me or you?”

“You can tell him, Is.” Even smiled and caressed his cheek. 

Lucas looked at them, impatient, about to speak when Isak drew his breath.

“Dad and I have decided that we’re going to say yes to have a little baby girl in our family, Lucas. She’s only two weeks old.”

Lucas stared at him. Taking in what Isak had said. He drew his breath, but breathed out without speaking. Drew his breath again; 

“Like a little sister? Like Marcus and Kerim have?”

“Kind of” Even said. “Only this girl is a tiny little baby. She’s only two weeks old. She can’t do anything except cry, drink milk from a bottle and sleep.”

“But she’ll learn, won’t she?”

“Of course she will. And you will be here with us to teach her all the things you can so she can be a wonderful kid just like you!”

Lucas went silent and looked at them for a while. 

“What do you think about it?” Isak asked, smiling at him. 

“Ok, I guess” Lucas said, looking down at his fingers playing with the corner of Even’s duvet. 

“Hey, sweetie, what’s on your mind?” Isak tapped his shoulder and Even ruffled his hair again. 

“It’s just… I don’t know. It’s just…..”

“Take your time, sweetie,” Even said “it’s a lot to digest, and it’s not like she’s coming this evening.”

Lucas drew his breath again and said it quick; “It’sjustthatI’llhavetoshareyouwithher.”

Even and Isak looked at each other, and Even got up to sit in the bed with his back against the headboard he lifted Lucas up and into his lap and hugged him tight. 

“Luc, listen to me. Getting a baby girl doesn’t mean that we love you any less, but yes, you have to share us with her, but both dad and I have so much love to give, and when you give more love, you get more love, and then again when you get more love, you have more love to give. We’re never ever going to love you any less. Just more.”

Lucas looked up at him and back at Isak – who also sat in bed now, legs crossed just in front of Even and Lucas, duvet wrapped around his shoulders – and back at Even again. 

“Is she going to sleep in here with you?”Lucas asked silently. The uncertainty Lucas had inside him came to the surface now. The one that had been gone for a long time. The one they’d worked hard to get rid of, it came back, because his world was about to change, and they just had to be patient with him, answer every one of his questions and let the love flow as Liv always advised them too. 

“Probably” Isak said, “but in a crib beside the bed most of the time, because it can be too hot for babies to be in bed with their parents. So there will be plenty space for you at the nights you need to come and sleep between us.”

Lucas smiled at the last words. “I love sleeping between you. It’s so warm and cozy and…. and…. safe.” The smile turned a bit embarrassed by the last word, but Isak just nodded 

“Yes, it’s safe to be close to someone you love, Luc. And you can always come to us and we’ll make space for you even if the baby is here. There’s always room for you too!”

Lucas nodded. He turned his head into Evens chest and curled his legs up so he was almost a ball in his lap. Even pulled him closer and held his arms around him as in a safe cocoon. 

“Whr’s sh gng thv hr rm?” Lucas was mumbling into Even’s chest. Isak smiled at him and patted his shoulder. 

“Did’t get that one, Luc. Can you please say that again, in the air instead of into dad’s chest? I don’t think his chest is going to reply.”

Lucas turned his head out, and smiled. “Where’s she going to have her room?”

Isak looked at Even and Even raised his shoulders, 

“Eh.. we haven’t talked about that yet,” he said, looking at Isak for help, but Isak hadn’t thought about it either. “I guess maybe she can have the guestroom…” Isak nodded “…and we can move the big bed in the guestroom down into the office, there is space enough there.”

“We have to paint the guestroom then” Lucas stated. “She can’t have a white room. That’s boring!”

“I guess you’re right. Which colour do you think would be nice?” Even asked, Isak loved that he followed Lucas’ thought and involved him so easily – Lucas could decide the colours, that was clever. 

“I think maybe light purple and turquois.”

“That could definitely work.” Even smiled. 

“And white skirting.” 

“Of course!”

Lucas went silent for a bit. It looked like he just was enjoying the closeness he got by sitting in Even’s lap like in a safe cocoon. 

“Dad?” he asked silently, looking up at Even. 

“Yes?”

“Can I help with the painting?”

“Of course you can. Just make sure you keep dad away,” Even nodded at Isak “he always makes a mess whenever we’re painting.”

“Hey! That’s rude!” Isak said, while Lucas started to giggle. But he knew it was true. When they painted the house last summer, Isak did make a mess, there were white paint everywhere else than on the wall, most on Isak himself, while both Even and Lucas were almost spotless and got their parts of the wall painted in no time.

“But it’s ok. I can build the furniture’s for the room. Her bed, changing table, dresser and so on. Because if your dad does that, Luc,” nodding at Even “we’ll probably end up with something that will collapse as soon as we start use it!” And that were also true. Even were once supposed to build a dresser; he got it all puzzled together, placed it by the wall and filled it with clothes, and the same night they woke by this loud “crash” and the dresser had collapsed. It turned out that Even had NOT glued where he should, and he hadn’t put all the plugs and screws in… So after that incident, building furniture were Isak’s job. 

“We’re going to buy her that?”

“I guess we have to. She can’t sleep on the floor, and we’ve got nothing like that left after you, because you were three when you came to us. Didn’t need a crib, didn’t need a changing table. Oh, we need to buy a stroller too, Ev.” Isak said. 

“Can I come too?” Lucas whispered. 

“Luc, of course you’re going to come. You will be her big brother. You’re going to be part of this all the way!” Even just hugged him tight, tight. “And we love you so much!”

“Ok.” Lucas said, turning his head into Even’s chest again and closed his eyes and whispered “I love you too. You’re the best dads in the whole wide world!” 

Isak smiled, and reminded him self that they had to watch Lucas closely, so he didn’t think that they loved him or cared for him any less because of the little girl. It was a bit scary again, he thought, but not so scary that he didn’t want to go through it. Because he really wanted to. Because they really wanted to.


	4. The fourth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even are starting to tell people about their decision.

When Isak came to Lucas school later that day, Lucas and Marcus were already waiting by the fence. He caught them in a deep conversation as he approached them, and he could easily listen to what they said.

“Little sisters are very annoying, and they always get their way. Always.” Marcus said.

“But that’s not fair!” Lucas said, raising his voice a bit.

“I know. But it’s like that. At least it is with Bea. She always gets another story when we’re going to bed, she always an extra glass of water on the bedside, and one more kiss when mum’s going to leave the room, and she doesn’t have to eat all her vegetables, and she get to bath longer than me. Always.”

“I don’t think my dads would do that.” Lucas said hesitantly, and Isak could kiss him for that – not that he would dare to do it – but he could.

“You just wait and see, Luc!”

Isak rinsed his voice so the boys should notice him, and asked Marcus with a smile;

“And what about the big brother, Marcus? I happen to know that you get something too because you’re the oldest. Could you tell Lucas about that too?”

“What?” Marcus blushed a bit. Caught in the action sort of speak.

“I know that you get to stay up later than Bea every evening. I know that you get to eat your supper in the living room in front of the TV when Bea goes to the bathroom. I know that you’re allowed to go down to the grocery-store alone some afternoons. I know you’re allowed to stay home alone for some time when your mum gets Bea after dance-lessons and your dads at work. I know that you’re allowed to come home to us after school.” He smiled at the last one.

Marcus blushed even more, and nodded a bit. “I guess!”

Lucas looked at Isak, at Marcus and back at Isak again, and said;

“But isn’t that unfair?”

“No, Luc. It’s not unfair. It’s uneven. But it’s not possible to treat an eight-year-old and a five-year-old the same way. And it’s certainly not possible to treat an eight-year-old and an infant the same way. One HAS to use diapers, one has not. On HAS to go to school, the other not. On HAS to lay in a stroller, the other can climb trees.” Lucas smiled at him, and he smiled at Marcus who had kind of a guilty look on his face.

“I guess it’s not that bad being a big brother or have a little sister. It’s actually kind of good. She likes me, you know. And she’s kind of cute too. And I do like her, like a lot.” The last confession from Marcus came with a tiny blush on his face, but Isak didn’t mention it.

“I think mine will be kind of cute too, right dad?”

Isak smiled at him. “I’m sure she will! But boys, should we head home? I guess you have some playing to do?”

“Yeah. We’re going to build a Lego-fortress and a Lego-village. We’ve got it all planned, we’ve drawn sketches too.” Lucas said.

“So, go get your backpacks then! Off you go!”

They run over the schoolyard to get their backpacks, Isak walked over to one of the men that worked there, and said; “Lucas and Marcus leaves with me now. I hope Marcus’ parents have told you!”

“Yeah, they have. And the boys have been talking about it all day, so it hasn’t been doubt of that!”

“Bye! Have a nice evening!”

Isak turned around as the boys came running out of the building, grabbing one hand each, and they walked back home, chatting and laughing.

When they got inside, Lucas asked immediately;

“What’s for dinner, dad?”

“Dad took some lasagne out of the freezer this morning, so I guess it’s lasagne!”

“Has dad made it?”

“Yes, he has. Did you think I made it?” Isak smiled at him.

“Not really, but better safe than sorry!” Lucas grinned at him and turned on his heels, grabbed Marcus’ arm and got upstairs.

Isak wrote a message to Even;

**< 3 MY HANDSOME HUSBAND <3 (15:56)**

_“Hey handsome!”_

_“Your son is bullying me and my cooking-skills!”_

_“When will you be home?”_

It took some time before Even answered, so Isak managed to do some laundry and vacuuming before Evens reply came.

_“Hey, handsomer!”_

_“It’s not possible to bully your cooking-skills, since you don’t have any, sweetie!_

_“Aww… my heart hurts!”_

_“I’ll make it better when I come home, I swear!”_

_“Looking forward to it!”_

_When will you be home?”_

_“Leaving when I’m done texting you!”_

_“Nice.”_

_“I’ll put the lasagne in the oven in five!”_

_“Nice!”_

_“See you soon!”_

_“ <3”_

_“ <3”_

Isak turned on the oven, cut the bread, made the salad – he was good at making salad; rinsing and chopping the vegetables and put it in the bowl, poured a little amount of Evens dressing on top, so some cooking skills he had – and he sat the table. Always with napkins, candles and some decorations. These days it was some figures Lucas had made at school, clay-figures. It was them – him, Lucas and Even, and he was so proud of them.  And they were really good. It didn’t look much like them, but it looked very much like two men and a boy, and for a third-grader, Isak thought they were very good. They had to be on the kitchen table for every meal since Lucas brought them home.

Isak heard the key turn in the front door, and he heard Even hum in the hall, and as he walked over to the kitchen.

“Halla!” he said, peaking in to the kitchen.

“Halla!” Isak smiled, walked over to him to give him a greeting kiss. “Good day? Straight A’s`?”

“Actually, yes” Even grinned widely. “How about you?”

“Good day. Had to operate on an eight-year-old today. It’s kind of hard, still picturing Lucas on the table when I operate anyone his age. But it went very well.”

“I’m sure it did. You’re a very good surgeon you know!”

Isak smiled. He knew he was good at work

“Talked to Sana today, by the way. She – of course – sensed that something was up. But I didn’t get to tell her anything, busy day at work for both of us. You will probably get a nosy Yousef on your neck!”

Even laughed. “He’s been on me already, got a text an hour ago. Haven’t replied yet.”

“We probably should tell them though; Lucas has already told Marcus. I overheard them talking when I picked them up.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, Marcus was telling Lucas how awful it was to have a little sister, because she got ‘special treatment’…”

“Shit. That’s not good, thinking about what he was concerned about this morning.” Even looked at him, worrying.

“It turned out well. I happen to know a bit about the ‘special treatment’ the big brother of the Vasquez-family gets, and when I told them that, Marcus gave in, and said being a big brother actually was kind of good!”

“You’re so clever, Is!” Even smiled. “But that means Marcus knows?”

“Yeah, kind of…”

“And that means that in the end of the day, Jonas and Eva would know.”

“Probably!”

“I’ll pop over to Sana and Yousef’s after dinner.” Even pulled up his phone and texted Yousef asking if they were home after dinner, and if he could come by.  “They have to hear it from us, not from some random tattletale.”

“You’re right. And you get a chance to talk to Yousef all by yourself too!”

“And you will have Jonas or Eva to yourself when they pick Marcus up! Winn-winn, dr Bech Næsheim!”

“I know, Professor!”

“But you know what? We have to tell mum and dad too.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s for sure. Can you text them and ask them to come over tomorrow afternoon?”

“Sure. At 1700? I can cook dinner tomorrow. The last candidate is on at 1300, and I’ll be home by 1500.”

“Perfect!”

They smiled lovingly at each other, stood a while with their foreheads touching, eventually kissed, but broke apart when the alarm on the oven went off, meaning the lasagne was done, and dinner could be served.

 

The doorbell rang about two hours later and Isak hoped it would be Jonas who came to pick Marcus up, and it was. Even had left for Yousef and Sana straight after dinner, so he was alone downstairs when he opened the door.

“Hey bro!” Jonas greeted him from the door.

“Hey! How’s everything?”

“Good. Really good.” Jonas said. “You too?”

“Yeah. Really good. Actually, I’ve got something to tell you before you take Marcus home. Coffee?”

“Yes, please.” Jonas said, kicked his shoes of and hanged his jacket up and followed Isak into the kitchen. “Oh, I’m so jealous of you because of this kitchen.” He said. “And the table. I would love to have a kitchen table like this, but we’ve got no space for it.”

“Buy a bigger house!” Isak grinned, put a cup of coffee in front of him and they both sat down.

“Easy for you to say. We don’t make as much money as Dr. and ph.D Bech Næsheim!”

“It’s not like we don’t have mortgages on this house, Jonas. We’re not loaded, you know.”

“I know, sorry man. It’s just, with the kids growing, we would like a bigger place. The flat is kind of crowded.”

“Yeah, I can see that. You know, it’s actually a house for sale down the street, it’s not that expensive. Check it out later!”

“Seriously? I will!” Jonas said. “But you had some news?”

“Yeah. We kind of decided to say yes to take a little girl into foster care.” Isak said. Looking anticipating up at Jonas to see his reaction.

“Oh. That’s amazing, Isak! Isn’t that what you’ve been dreaming about?”

“Yeah, it is.” He smiled wide, happy for Jonas reaction.

“How old? When?”

“She’s only two weeks, and…

“TWO WEEKS? You’re getting an infant?”

“Yeah. Anna called yesterday, and we had to decide fast.”

“And when do you get her?”

“I don’t know. Really soon I think. We’re going to see Anna tomorrow. We’ll know more then.”

“That’s awesome, Isak. Really happy for you!” Jonas looked at him, and probably saw something in his face. “You’re happy about it Is? Something’s on your mind. I know you, you know.” He smiled, but Isak could see that it had some concern in it too.

“Yeah, I AM really happy about it, it’s just… I kind of fear that the same thing could happen as it happened to Lucas two years ago. And I know it’s stupid to think it, but still.”

“Hey man. That sort of things doesn’t happen twice you know. I’m sure everybody working in that department won’t let something like that happen once more.”

“Yeah, someone else told me that too.” Isak smiled.

“Even?”

“Yes. And Liv,” Isak hesitated a bit “but you can’t tell Even that Liv knows, or she doesn’t know, she knows Anna has asked us. She kind of looked through me yesterday when Luc and I were out shopping with her. I had to tell her, I can’t lie to Liv!”

“I know. No-one can lie to Liv.” He grinned. “But my lips are sealed. But you should tell Even though.”

“Of course I’ll tell him, we have no secrets,” he smiled. It was the truth. They didn’t have any secrets. He would tell Even when he got back from Yousef.

“But hey, you know what. We’ve got plenty of stuff after Bea. Do you want some of that? Changing table, crib, clothes? The stroller is worn out, but both the changing table and crib are fine. So are the clothes, some of them she’d worn just once.”

“Yeah, sure. That’s awesome! We can come and get it Saturday or Sunday?”

“We’re home all weekend. Why don’t you come at Saturday, and we’ll have dinner together, maybe Lucas can sleep over so you don’t have to leave so early?”

“Sounds nice. If he wants. He kind of got a bit scared at once when we told him. Thought that he was replaced or something. I don’t know what he thought, but he was scared that the baby would take us away from him. That we didn’t have space for him anymore. Poor boy. But we talked it through with him, and he seemed ok. It’s just, he’s been through a lot. Don’t want him to feel like we don’t love him as much as the baby or something.”

“Oh. Yeah, if he wants. Of course!”

They heard four feet running down the stairs and in to the kitchen.

“Hey Dad?” Can we have something to eat? We’re starving!” Lucas started speaking before he came in to the kitchen.

“Oh, hi Jonas! Does Marcus have to leave at once? We’re starving!”

Jonas laughed, “Of course you’re starving. You’re always starving. You can have something to eat before we leave.”

“What do you want?” Isak asked.

Lucas looked around, “Isn’t dad home?” he looked at Isak.

“No, he’s at Yousef and Sanas.”

“Without us?” Lucas asked, disbelieving Isak’s words.

“Yes. He had to talk to Yousef about something. Grown-up stuff. We’ll visit them soon, I promise.”

“OK” Lucas sighed. “I was going to ask him if he could make us oatmeal.” He grinned, and Isak rolled his eyes. Fucking oatmeal.

“I can make oatmeal!” Isak said, about to stand up, as the three others in the room just shouted, “NO!”

“Sit down, Isak. I can make oatmeal!” Jonas said, at the same time they heard the front door open, and Lucas got on his feet and run down to the hall.

“DAD! Glad you’re home! Dad and Jonas were about to make oatmeal. You have to come and stop them!” Isak could hear Even laughing all the way from the hall, and he still laughed when he came into the kitchen with Lucas in his hand.

“I’m gonna make the two best third graders in the world oatmeal. You want some too, Jonas?”

“No thanks, Even. Not a fan.”

“Dad’s not a fan either” Lucas said, and looked at Isak. And Isak shook his head. He didn’t hate oatmeal, but it wasn’t far from it.

Jonas laughed. “I know he isn’t. But it’s healthy, so please; go ahead eat!”

And the boys ate, while Isak, Jonas and Even talked about this and that, and Jonas promised before they left, that Eva and him would look at the house down the street. It was a four-bedroom house, not very big, but it had two bathrooms and two living rooms, and would be kind of perfect for them. Not to expensive either. Isak would love to have Jonas and Eva in their neighbourhood. It would be awesome.

 

Isak walked down the stairs an hour later after putting Lucas to bed. Thinking about all the conversations that day, and he was happy and smiling. He walked in to the living room and dumped down beside Even who watched some show on the TV.

“Hey, handsome!” Even whispered into his ear as he leaned over for a kiss.

“Hey handsomer!” Isak answered. “You know, I kind of have a confession to make to you!”

“Ok? I know I’m better at cooking that you, so you don’t have to confess that.” Even smiled teasingly at him. Isak laughed.

“I think I’ve confessed that a long time ago.” He smiled, but it faded. “It wasn’t that. I kind of told mum about Anna’s call yesterday. I didn’t mean too. It was just…. I was looking at some girls’ clothes in the store where we got the woollen underwear for Lucas, and she kind of caught me off guard and asked if something was up. And you know mum, she looks right through me. I can’t lie to her. And I’m feeling so bad for telling her before I spoke to you about it.”

Even just smiled at him, and grabbed his sweater right under his chin and pulled him hard into himself and kissed him. “You’re so cute, Is. I don’t mind at all. And I know if it had been me, I’d burst as easy as a soap bubble at once. I know mum, she has that look, no-one can lie to her when she got that look.”

“Yeah. Her eyes are like x-rays. She looks straight through me.”

Even laughed again. “I know, Is. I’ve grown up with those x-ray-eyes.” He still smiled, and pulled Isak into his chest. “Look, Is. It doesn’t matter if you told my mum first, because I know you’ll tell me everything eventually. And it’s not a big deal. And it’s not like you told her that we’ve decided, we’ll do that together!”

“Yeah. We’ll do that together. But you know what she said? When I said it kind of scared me because of what happened with Lucas? She said that bad things like that doesn’t happen twice. Just like you did.”

“Clever lady, my mum!” Even grinned.

“Yeah, she really is. I really can’t wait to tell her and dad tomorrow. I think they’ll be thrilled.”

“Me too. Another gradchild to spoil.”

“Yeah. She’s good at that.” Isak smiled. “Actually, she’s good at everything. She’s the best.”

“Kind of like her son” Even looked at him, tried to keep his face serious but didn’t manage. His eyes wrinkled and the corners of his mouth started to move. Isak just pushed his shoulder and laughed.

“Yeah. Actually; you are the best. But mum’s the runner up.” Even leaned in and kissed him,

“Wrong; you’re the best, Dr. Bech Næsheim. Love you so much, and I love to start this new chapter in our life with you!”

Isak curled into his embrace and sighed. “Me too. Me too.”


	5. The fifth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting at Anna's office

Walking into Anna’s office made Even’s body tremble a bit. He was so excited. He wanted this so much. A little girl, a little princess. It wasn’t important that it was a girl, not really, he would have been just as excited for a little boy, but a little baby, for them to raise, love, be there for, teach, cuddle, argue with…. He couldn’t wait. He knew Isak had fought some battles the last two days, fought with the memories of what they’ve been through, but he’s so sure about this. Bad things like the one that happened two years ago can’t happen twice. He looked over at Isak and got a little smile from him. Knew he was excited too, but a bit more hesitant. 

Anna stood up from behind her desk and greeted them. 

“Hey, Isak and Even. Nice to see you. So glad you could make it. Have a seat. Coffee?”

“Yes, please. Nice to see you too.” Even said, and Isak nodded. Both to the coffee and the greeting. 

“Nice seeing you too, Anna” he said, “and sorry about my weird appearance on the phone Wednesday. You kind of caught me off guard.”

“No problem, Isak. I shouldn’t have called you, really, I should have waited till I got hold of Even.”

“No worries, I just needed to get myself together.” Isak smiled, and Even smiled at him. Isak always felt so guilty when he had to deal with the ghost of his past, and it made Even want to just wrap him in his arms and just make the past go away. 

Anna brought them coffee, and sat behind her desk again 

“So. Have you talked about taking this little girl in to your care?”

Straight to the point, no room for smalltalk today, Even thought. He kind of liked it. 

“Yes, we have. And we have a couple of questions actually.” Even answered. “Isak told me her mother was a drug addict, did she use drugs while being pregnant? It doesn’t really matter, it’s just; if she did, we might have some issues to deal with since that probably has effected the girl in some way during the pregnancy.

“She was not on drugs during the pregnancy. The mother was monitored closely by the health services, and she was clean on all tests during the whole nine months. And the health care haven’t noticed anything on the girl so far.”

“That’s good to know” Isak said. Being a doctor he had seen quite a few little kids being born with heavy drug withdrawal because of their mother’s drug abuse during pregnancy. It was horrible to watch their tiny bodies twitching and acing. And the effects on their brains and bodies were sometimes severe. 

“Does her mother want any contact with the girl?” Even asked. It was their second important question. 

“No” Anna said. 

“Oh” Isak said, and Even saw that a burden was removed from his shoulders. 

“She actually wants to give her away for adoption. But it will take some time to get that sorted out, the process that leads to the adoption often takes some time. Paperworks you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” Isak said, Even looked at Anna and at Isak. 

“Does that mean that she might – I mean, if we take her into fostercare – she might be adopted by someone when the paperwork and all are done?” Even asked hesitantly, he could hear his voice almost cracked. 

Anna smiled at him and at Isak. 

“No. It means that when the paperwork is done and all is clear YOU might adopt her. If you want.”

Even could feel his jaws drop a bit, and he looked over to Isak who’s mouth was open and his eyes were wide. Isak looked at him and a smile started to form on his face, and Even managed to smile back. 

“That’s… that’s awesome!” he whispered. 

“You would like to adopt?” Anna asked. 

“We’ve kind of talked about it, and I think we do.” Even said, looking at Isak who nodded. 

“Yes, I think we really do.” Isak smiled.

“And you want to take this little girl into fostercare while the process goes?” 

“We do.” Even said – feeling his stomach making a somersault and the smile on his face turning wider. 

“We actually have talked to Lucas about it already. Not the adopting part, but about having a little baby girl in our family. And he kind of liked it. A bit scared that she’ll take too much space, but we’ll sort that out.” Isak continued. 

“I’m sure you will” Anna said. “But as I said on the phone, she’s only two and a half weeks old – three weeks on Monday – but for the sake of the girl, you and the temporary foster care she’s in now – we have to make this a fast process. It’s not like when Lucas came to you that we use a few weeks to prepare and get to know him. I think maybe during next weekend we should have her moving in with you.”

“Oh! That was fast!” Even said. “Real fast!” 

“Yeah. I know.” Anna said. “But it’s for the best of this little baby. Making her life stable as soon as possible.”

“I can understand that” Isak said, and Even knew his thoughts were all practical now. Thinking about paternity leave, furniture, room, Lucas, car seat… While he thought about the magic of having a little baby all curled up in his arms, Lucas beside him, maybe Lucas feeding her from a bottle… Anna interrupted his thoughts

“I actually took the liberty of arranging a meeting with the temporary foster parents tomorrow. I was kind of sure you would say yes.” Anna smiled at them, and Even thought it was nice that she seemed to know them so well. They had been on regular meeting with Anna for over five years now, so it wasn’t that strange. 

“Tomorrow, already?” Isak asked in a breath, looking at Even. 

Anna nodded, smiling at them. 

“You think you can do that?”

“Eh….” Isak looked at Even “…eh…yes.”

Even had a good feeling about all this. “Yeah, that should be ok, I think.” He looked at Isak and started smiling. “We can do that?” They were going to meet the little girl tomorrow already. He felt his whole body tickling, it wasn’t just a good feeling, it was a very good feeling. 

“Yes, we can do that.” Isak smiled at him, and he leaned against him, took his hand and squeezed it. “We can see her – them – tomorrow. That’s kind of awesome. A bit scary, but awesome.”

“They are very nice people, and I’m coming with you. Here’s the address, and I’ve set the time to twelve. Is that a time that’s ok with you?” Anna handed Even a sheet of paper, and Even read the address. It was on the other side of the city, but Even knew where it was. 

“Yeah, sure” Even said. He looked at Isak and the smile on Isak’s face made him so sure that this was right for them. 

“There’s a big parking lot in front of their house, we can meet there some minute before twelve. You ok with that?”

Even nodded, looked at Isak who nodded too. Isak drew his breath and asked the question Even had thought of. 

“Lucas?” Isak asked. “I hope he can come too?” 

“I think it would be unfair to him not to let him come.” Anna said. “I think the best you can do is to let him be a part of this all the way. Don’t you?”

“Yeah, I want him to be a part of this all the way” Isak said. “I just didn’t know what you thought.”

“Lucas is coming” Even said. “No doubt about that.” 

“Then we’re done here” Anna said. “And we’ll see each other tomorrow.” She smiled, and stood up behind her desk. 

“Thank you, Anna!” Isak stood up too, put his hand out, Anna took it and shook it. 

“I’m the one who should thank you. Now I know that little girl is going to get a very good home with two fathers that will love her to pieces. Thank you, Isak!”

Even got up too, and shook Annas hand. “Thank you for those words, Anna. We will.”

Even took Isak’s hand and was about to leave her office when Anna spoke 

“By the way. Her name is Mari.”

“Mari” Isak repeated. “That’s a beautiful name.” He smiled at Even. 

“Does she have a last name?” 

“She don’t. Her mother didn’t want her to have her last name, so for now she’s got the last name Hansen, the most common last name in Norway. But when the adoption is set, she can have your last name.”

“Mari Bech Næsheim” Even said. “That’s beautiful” he could feel the tears pounding behind his eyelids. 

They walked out of Annas office, hand in hand, and when they got out on the street, Even pulled Isak into his chest and hugged him, whispering in his ear; “We’re going to have a little girl called Mari, Is. Think about it. Lucas, Mari, Isak and Even. What a family!”

“I know” Isak whispered back. “I don’t know if I can wait until tomorrow, but I guess I’ll have to?”

“Yes you do,” he held Isak even closer if it was possible. “You going to work?” 

“I have to. I’m working until 1530 today, but no surgery, just office duty, thank God! I don’t think I would be able to operate…” he smiled at him. “How about you; exams – you ready for that?” 

“Not at all” Even laughed. He didn’t know how he would cope at work. Three candidates who was going through their exams today. He had to get his head on track, that’s for sure. Not picturing a little girl, crib, diapers and so on. And he had to talk to his boss after. “But I’ll get there. And I’m going to talk to my boss. Guess I’ll be leaving around 1500, can you pick Lucas up, and I’ll go grocery-shopping?” 

“Yeah, I can do that. I’ll talk to my boss too. Guess it will be “THE BOMB” to him.” Isak smiled. 

They stood there, arms around each other for a while, and Even could feel his whole body calm down when he had Isak’s arms around him, he grounded him. “I guess I have to go” he finally said. “Have to be at UNI at 1030, the latest!”

“Yeah” Isak said. “Guess I have to go too.” He tilted his head for a kiss, and Even of course leaned down to give him one. 

They parted, heading for their jobs, and Even was so happy. He felt like he was on the ninth cloud, and he just couldn’t wait for tomorrow to come. The day they would meet their little girl. Their little princess. 


	6. Sixth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Telling Liv and Anders

Isak had called him when he was on his way from UNI to the grocery store. Isak had spoken with his boss and the paternity leave was no problem, not even on that short notice – Isak’s boss knew they were fosterparents and that children was in urgent need for a home – so he was kind of prepared. Even smiled while talking to Isak, heard the eagerness and happiness in his voice, planning and organizing, and he thought that this was the best solution for them. Isak being home and himself working as much he could from home. He actually had remembered to talk to his own boss, and working from home was no problem, as long as he came to his lectures, exams and other meetings he was supposed to attend. That meant a lot of time at home, just as they had done when they got Lucas. 

At the grocery store, Even didn’t really pay attention to what he was doing. He walked around put groceries and other stuff in his basket without thinking, and all of a sudden he was aware of something in his basket that he had never bought before; a packet of diapers, a pacifier, a feeding bottle, a sip-cup… he laughed at himself, but didn’t put it back on the shelf. ‘Take yourself together, Even’ he said to himself and smiled. He shook his head and started thinking of the dinner he was making when he got home, and eventually he got all the stuff he needed and got out of there, heading home.

On his way, he walked by a couple of people with strollers, and he might have stared a bit at them while he pictured himself with a stroller as well, together with Isak and Lucas. He found himself standing in the middle of the street, smiling like a fool and daydreaming. He told himself to get a grip. 

Walking through their front door, he sighed to himself and actually got a bit embarrassed when he thought about the things he had bought, and he was debating if he should try to hide the baby-stuff he’d got before Isak saw it, but it was too late. Isak suddenly appeared in the door, smiling. 

“Halla, handsome!” he said walked up to him and gave him a kiss. 

“Halla, handsomer!” Even whispered into his ear. 

“I can help you unpack.” Isak continued, taking two of the shopping bags and walked into the kitchen before Even managed to say anything. Even shook his head, waiting for Isak to call him from the kitchen, and he did.

“Even? What’s this?” he heard fondness and a little bit of laughter in Isak’s voice as he walked after him into the kitchen. 

“What?” Even said innocently as he walked into the kitchen where Isak stood by the counter with the pacifier and the bottle in his hands. 

“You bought a pacifier and a bottle?” he smiled widely, walking up to him. 

“Eh…. Must have fallen down into my basket” Even tried to explain, but he knew Isak looked straight through him. 

“Oh, sure” he teased. “These too?” Isak grabbed the diapers and the sip-cup out of the bag in Even’s hand. 

“Yeah. Those too”, Even smiled. “Terrible place to shop – they’re so bad at storing things on the shelfs, stuff keeps falling down!” 

“Must be,” Isak laughed. “You’re cute though. But I kind of bought something too.” He continued, turning around and picked up a tiny bag and gave it to Even. 

“What is it?”

“Open it.” Isak said, smile on his face and eyes shining. 

Even opened it and pulled out a tiny little onesie. It was light purple and white and on the front it said “Princess” and on the back “Be prepared to love me”. It was so tiny, soft, beautiful. Even looked up at Isak and smiled.

“Lucas and I bought it on our way home. It was actually Lucas who asked if we could buy something for her on our way back from school. And he found it. It was kind of cute.”

“Cuter than pacifier, a bottle, a sip-cup and a packet of diapers.” 

“No. That’s kind of cute too, especially the look on your face when you came into the kitchen.” Isak walked over to him, put his arms around his neck and kissed him. “I love that we’re doing this even if it scares the shit out of me. And I can’t wait to meet her tomorrow.”

“Me neither” Even sighed into Isak’s shoulder and held him tight. 

“HEY! Are you hugging without me?” Lucas voice came from behind Even, and he couldn’t help to giggle a bit. 

“Yeah, it’s not exactly like we can shout out to you every time we hug.” 

“I want to…..” Lucas stopped talking, looking around the kitchen; “Dad? What’s this?” Lucas grabbed the packet of diapers on the floor and showed it to Even. 

“It’s diapers, Lucas. You’d better get used to having those around the house.”

“You bought diapers already? She’s not coming today is she?”

“No, the packet of diapers just fell down to my basked when I was grocery-shopping” he smiled, but wasn’t sure if he could hold his face. Lucas looked at him, tilted his head a bit as for to look really close and then he smiled. 

“It did not!”

“No, it didn’t. I bought it. I really don’t know why, because she isn’t coming today, it just happened, ok?”

“Ok. Me and dad bought her something too. Dad where is it?” Lucas looked up to Isak and Isak gave him the bag. “Look; it’s a onesie...” Lucas pulled it out of the bag and held it up to Even; “…and it says ‘princess’ on this side and ‘Be prepared to love me’ on the other. I picked it out myself, dad helped me pay, but I picked it out. I thought it was cute. I hope she like it and I don’t think it’s itchy, I put it to my chin and it didn’t itch. You know I hate itchy clothes and I’m sure she does to. Do you think she would like it? Do you think she would like me?” the last sentence came out a bit more hesitantly than the rest of it.

Even had sat down on his knees on the floor while Lucas talked and he just watched the eager boy talking, and his smile got wider and wider. When he was finished, Even grabbed Lucas, gave him a big hug and said

“I’m sure she will love it. And I’m definitively sure that she will love you. And I think you might be the best big brother in the world.”

“Yeah?” Lucas asked. 

“Yeah!” Isak said. “I’m sure of that too!” He had sat down on the floor too. 

Lucas had backed up to Isak and sat in his lap on the kitchen floor. Isak had put his arms safe around him nuzzling into Lucas’ neck and hair, looking at the onesie Lucas’ held out. Even looked around the room; there were groceries everywhere; on the counter, on the table, on one of the chairs and some still in the bags on the floor, Lucas still had the onesie in his hand, the packet of diapers lay on the floor, his jacket hung over one of the chairs – he had just tossed it over one when Isak had called at him – there were some dishes on the table together with Isak and his’ empty mugs from breakfast, but Even loved it. It was his mess caused by him and his family, his Isak, their Lucas and now they would get their little girl too. 

“You know what, Luc?” Even eventually spoke, and Lucas looked up at him. 

“What?”

“Dad and I were at a meeting with Anna today, and she had set us up to see the little girl tomorrow. We really want you to come, but if you don’t want to, we can ask grandma and grandpa if you can stay with them.”

“Tomorrow?” Lucas asked. 

“Yeah, it’s Saturday tomorrow, you know.”

“I know that. I want to come.”

Even smiled at him, and he saw that Isak smiled behind Lucas back too, tightening his grip around Lucas and kissed his cheeks. Lucas rolled his eyes, but leaned back against Isak’s chest. 

“I’m very glad you want to come, Luc. It means a lot to both dad and me that you want to!

“Really?” 

“Really. You being a part of all this is very important to us, you know. We don’t want you to feel left out. And if you – at any time – feel that way, you have to tell us. Promise?

“I will!” Lucas tucked himself even closer to Isak’s chest, and smiled. “Promise!” 

Even moved towards them and put his arms around them both and hugged them. 

“But boys, we got to get this place cleaned up. Grandma and grandpa will be here soon, and this room looks like a total mess!”

“Grandma and grandpa’s coming?” Lucas grinned. “Cool!”

“Yeah. We’ve got to tell them about the little girl, they don’t know yet. Maybe you want to tell them?”

“I’d like that. At once they’re here?”

“Maybe you could wait until we’re at the table?”

“Sure. I can do that!” Lucas smiled, jumped out of Isak’s lap and started to pick things up from the floor. “I can do that!” 

So when they sat around the dinner table a little more than an hour later, Lucas was clearly excited. He flicked his glance from Liv to Isak to Anders to Even, and Even smiled to himself and was wondering how long he would be able to hold his tongue. But he didn’t want to prolong it anymore, so he just nodded at Lucas and Lucas nodded back and he drew his breath.

“Grandma? Grandpa?” he started.

“Yes, sweetie?” Liv answered and Anders looked at him. 

“I’m going to be a big brother.”

The room went all silent. Even looked at Isak who grinned widely, and he saw his parent’s faces turning from looking like fishes out of water to the biggest smiles on the both of them. 

“Oh, that’s fantastic news!” Liv said. 

“Fantastic! That’s awesome!” Anders said. 

“Yes. She’s kind of little though. She’s only two weeks old, so she can’t do much, but she’ll learn and I’ll help teaching her stuff.”

“I’m sure you will, sweetie!” Liv said. “And if it gets too much, you can always come to me and grandad and get a break!”

Even smiled at his mum, loved that she said it like Lucas could decide it himself. 

“We’re going to see her tomorrow!” Lucas continued. 

“Oh!” Anders said “That’s kind of fast, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Even said “but because she’s so little, the process is going to be fast, and we might actually have her home with us next weekend.”

Liv stared at him and so did Anders too. “Next weekend? As in a week?” Liv managed to say. “That was very soon!”

“Yes. It’s for her best, not settling to much in her temporary foster care before she moves again, at least Anna said.” 

“Sounds reasonable,” Anders said, drew his breath “but that means that you don’t have much time to settle things?” 

“No, not much, but somethings already settled.” Isak said “I talked to my boss today, and I’ll get paternity leave as from next Monday. That’s the most important thing, and it was good talking to my boss and he was very helpful. I also want to apply to a research-project which I can do from home, and then maybe prolong the paternity leave up to two years.”

“Oh, that sounds great!” Liv said. “I’m so happy for you guys. And you too, Lucas. A big brother, you think that would be nice?” 

Lucas looked at them, and Even saw both happiness and a bit of unsecurity in his face, it was a strange combination.

“Yeah, I think it’s gonna be nice. But I guess I can’t play with her at once.”

“No, not the first time, you can’t” Liv confirmed, “but when she gets older you can play with her, and teach her stuff, you know. Maybe you can teach her about science just like dad has taught you?”

“Yeah, that would be cool!”

“Oh, no! We’re going to get another science-geek in the family!” Even laughed. 

“I’ll make sure of that!” Lucas said. “Right dad?” he looked at Isak, and Isak smiled. 

“If she want’s too. But she might be an art-geek too, you know. We don’t know about that yet.” Isak smiled, and Even could actually picture himself drawing and painting with Mari already. 

“We’ll just have to see. Maybe she won’t be interested in any of those. Maybe she’ll be into sports or music or something all different than we are.” Even smiled at them. “But anyway, I can’t wait to get to see her tomorrow. And I’m so glad you want to come with us Luc!”

“Me to” Lucas said, smiling at them crawling into his lap and hugged him tight, and Even was sure everything was going to be just fine!


	7. The seventh step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting Mari for the first time

Saturday morning came with a pale sun and blue sky. It was cold, as it often was in November, and this day, the 10th of November was a cold and clear day. The city was preparing for Christmas, decorations were already up in most of the stores and streets. They were on their way to the temporary foster home. Even was driving, Isak beside him, he twisted his fingers a bit nervous for what to expect. Isak wasn’t comfortable with meeting new people in private, he was always overthinking what other people thought about him – about them – about his family. He had a conversation with himself about that, and repeated to himself that the people in the temporary foster care wasn’t the one to decide if they would have the girl or not. That had been settled with Anna, but still – he was nervous. Lucas was in the back seat, smiling and singing along with the music Even had put on. He looked very happy, and Isak couldn’t help but smile too. It would be fine. They would just meet their little girl and talk to her foster parents. 

Even turned into a parking lot, and Isak could see Anna standing there waiting for them by her car. They parked and got out of the car, walking towards Anna. 

“Hi!” Anna smiled. “Nice to see you, and Lucas, very good to see you too. It’s been a long time. How are you?”

“Fine” Lucas answered, searching for Isak’s hand, and found it. Isak squeezed it a bit as for to reassure Lucas that this was going to be good. 

“Are you ready to meet Mari?” she asked, and looked both to Even and him. 

“Yeah.” Isak said. “A bit nervous, but we’re ready!”

“Let’s go!” Anna said, and started walking, across the road and up to a white house. It looked a bit like their own. Two floors, a garden and a big driveway, garage, three large windows, where he presumed the living room was, and two smaller, who looked like the kitchen. Anna walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. After a little while the door was opened and a woman appeared. 

“Hello! Welcome,” she smiled “I’m Emilie, nice to meet you!”

Anna greeted her and shook her hand, Even took a step forward and introduced himself and so it was Isak turn. 

“Hi. I’m Isak, nice to meet you. And this is Lucas” he nodded down to Lucas who still held his hand tight.

“Hi Isak, Lucas. Nice to meet you. I’m Emilie” Lucas put his hand out and greeted Emilie. “How old are you, Lucas? I’ve got a boy too, he’s inside, and he’s eight.”

“I’m eight too.” Lucas said, a bit shy. 

“Maybe you two want to play a bit when we get inside and you’ve met the baby?”

Lucas nodded hesitantly. Isak knew that Lucas wasn’t the one who jumped in and played with kids he didn’t know, but it didn’t usually take a lot of time to get him going. 

“Come in, please!” Emilie said, and opened the door wide and moved to the side to give them space. 

They walked into the hall, it was bright and tidy, not like their own hallway which was a bit messy, Isak grinned to himself. They took off their shoes and jackets, and Emilie guided them into the living room. 

And there, by the wall was the crib. Isak wanted to walk over right away and look into it, and he looked up at Even and saw that he wanted it too. Even grabbed his hand and squeezed it hard. 

“Go ahead” Emilie said. “She’s asleep, but will probably wake up any minute now.”

Isak felt a shiver through his body as he slowly approached the crib, holding Evens hand and Lucas in front. When they came closer they saw her little head, she was peacefully asleep, tiny little nose, soft cheeks, small ears and pink filled lips. Her little arms lay up beside her head, the rest of her body was covered in a light purple blanket and a pacifier lay beside her head. She had a white rabbit beside her in the crib. 

“Oh, she’s beautiful, Even!” Isak burst out. 

“Yeah, isn’t she?” Even whispered, putting an arm around his waist, and Isak leaned into him. “Gorgeous!” 

“She’s kind of tiny.” Lucas said, looking up at them, “does she break if we touch her?”

Isak smiled and shook his head “No, Luc. She won’t break if we touch her. But she is tiny. She’s barley three weeks old.” 

Her little head moved a bit, and her lips separated and she was making a tiny sound. Her eyelids started to tremble and soon she opened them, and then they saw her eyes, tiny blue eyes who looked up in the air. Isak didn’t manage to stand anymore – the crib was to far away from his arms and head, so he kneeled down beside the crib to watch her closer. Even followed him and pulled Lucas into his lap for him to see. They just sat there and admired the tiny little human being laying there, and Isak felt his heart being filled with so much love for this little girl. 

“We’ll be in the kitchen if you need us,” Emilia said, almost a whisper. “You can pick her up if you want to.” She and Anna walked out of the living room, Isak looked at Even, and he could see a tear in the crock of his eye, and fuck, he felt one in his own too. Smiled, and looked over to Lucas. 

“Should we pick her up, Luc? 

“Yeah,” Lucas said. “You can do it, dad.”

Even nodded, and Isak reached into the crib and scooted the little body into his arms. She didn’t make a sound, but looked up to him and he felt like she stared him into his eyes, and then the tears just dropped out of his eyes. He couldn’t control it, she was so beautiful, so tiny, so adorable, so perfect. They were still on their knees on the floor, didn’t bother to stand up yet, just cherishing the moment, their first meeting. Isak held her tight in his arms, and Even lifted his hand and caressed her cheek softly

“Hey there little girl. We’re so excited to meet you. I’m going to be your dad and this one is going to be your other dad, and this beautiful boy is going to be your big brother. And we can’t wait for you to live with us.” Even’s voice was trembling a bit, but he manage to speak.

Lucas looked at him, shook his head, closed his eyes and said dryly; “You know dad, she doesn’t understand what you’re saying?” 

Even smiled at him and ruffled his hair with the hand not touching Mari’s cheek; “I know, Luc. But I understand, and dad do, and you do, and she can recognize voices you know, and when she recognizes ours, they will sooth her down once they’re familiar go her. You should talk to her too, so she will recognizes your voice.”

“Oh” Lucas said, got closer to Isak, put his index finger into her hand and said “Hi, Mari. I’m going to be your big brother, and I’m going to teach you everything you need to know!” While he spoke, Mari gripped his finger and held it tight. Lucas looked at Even and burst out; “She’s holding on to my finger, dad. Look!” Even saw it, didn’t want to ruin the moment by explaining about reflexes, so he just nodded

“I think she likes you, Lucas.” 

“I kind of like her too, even if she’s very tiny.”

Isak looked at Lucas and saw the sparkle in his eyes, and it felt good. He got up on his feet, still holding Mari tight into his chest; 

“I think we can sit in the sofa?” he said, and Even nodded and followed him to the sofa, where he sat on one side of Isak and Lucas on the other. Isak put Mari on his thighs, her head up against his knees, her face towards him and her tiny feet to his stomach, so they could watch her all three of them. They just sat in silence and stared at her. 

“Doesn’t she do like…… anything?” Lucas asked after some minutes of silence. 

Isak smiled at him, “Nothing much yet. She probably cries when she’s hungry or tired or annoyed or something, and she wet herself, and she eats – no drinks – milk from a bottle. That’s pretty much it yet. But soon she’s starting to smile, and move a bit around.”

“A bit boring.” Lucas said, but still couldn’t take his eyes of her.

“To you, I suppose. But I think she’ll keep us occupied. She might eat maybe 6-7 times a day, and she has to change her diapers equally many times, and she needs to be cuddled, held and comforted a lot.”

“You have to get up at night to give her food?” Lucas asked, disbelief in his voice. 

“Yeah. Babies are used to get food 24/7 when they’re in their mother’s womb, so when they’re this small, they’ve not learned how to not eat at nights. She probably has to eat at nights till she’s five-six months. Maybe longer.”

“Oh.” Lucas got lost in his thoughts, his hand played with Mari’s fingers who gripped his index finger and let it go, gripped it again and let it go. 

“What’s on your mind, Luc?” Even asked. 

“Who’s going to feed her at nights?” he asked, hesitantly. 

“I’m going to take most of the nights.” Isak said. 

“Because dad needs to sleep, right? So he won’t get ill?”

All the things that boy thought of. Isak was moved by Lucas’ concern and care for them, and Isak hadn’t thought that he would think of that. 

“Yeah, that’s right. But I’ll get to sleep in the mornings when you and dad get up, right?”

“Yeah, so you won’t get grumpy!” Lucas smiled at him, and Even laughed, and Isak laughed too. Couldn’t help it, “Spot on, Luc!” Even said, and laughed a bit more. 

Emilie came out of the kitchen with a bottle in her hand. 

“Someone wants to feed her?” she asked. 

Isak looked at Even, and Even nodded. Isak lifted the little bundle over in his arms, and he carefully put her on his arm and got comfortable. Emilie handed him the bottle and a cloth. 

“You might need this, she kinds of regurgitates a bit when she eats. She eats kind of fast, and then some of the milk comes up again, fast. It’s quite normal, but it’s good to be prepared with a cloth. Lots of them actually, because they get kind of smelly.” 

Even nodded, and took the bottle and put the tip to her lips, and she opened her mouth at once and started to ea. Isak moved so he could watch her closer, and he saw her eyes looking up at Even, and Evens face was all consumed in that little face and all the movements she did, small twitches with her eyes, chin, mouth, nose; it was fascinating and beautiful at once. Fascinating to look at Maris facial expression, and beautiful to look at Even feeding their daughter and the look in his face.

Lucas scooted closer to Even too, and watched Mari eat from the bottle. He grabbed the cloth and carefully whipped some milk of her chin, and he let her play with her index finger again. 

“Hey, Lucas?” Emilie asked. “If you want, there are some Lego in the room over here, and Fredrik is also here if you want to get to know him, and play with him.”

“Is Fredrik your son?” Lucas asked. 

“Yeah, like you are to Even and Isak,” she smiled at him, and Lucas nodded, he understood. 

Lucas smiled. “I can say hello to him.” 

Isak raised his eyebrows at Even, and Even looked surprised back at him. That’s something new from Lucas, going to say hello without asking one of them to come with him. But Isak smiled at him “Go ahead, Luc. we’ll be here in the living room.”

Lucas got up and walked over to Emilie who followed him into a room in the direction of the kitchen. Isak could hear them talk, and he heard a boy’s voice and some laughter and after a short while Emilie came back. She sat down in a chair and looked at them. 

“Is she eating ok?” 

“I think so” Even said, “The bottle is soon empty, and the speed has kind of eased down a bit.”

“That’s how she do it.” Emilie smiled. “When the bottle is empty, you have to lift her up to your shoulder so she can get the air she’s swallowed out – or; she has to burp – or else her stomach is going to hurt. And you really don’t want that!”

Isak watched Even as he put the bottle down and lifted Mari up on his shoulder. She was so tiny in his big arms, but it fitted. She looked like she belonged there. 

Emilie came and put the cloth on Even’s shoulder under Mari’s head; “Just in case some of the milk comes up with the burp,” she smiled, “you can tap her back a bit, or rub her back in small movements”, Emilie said, and Even did and Mari burped. Like a man. Isak had to grin and Even smiled too. 

“That’s a good girl!” Even said. “Is that enough, or does she need another burp?” he looked at Emilie. 

“That should do it, but she kind of likes lying like that, on someone’s shoulder, so she can just stay if you’d like.”

Anna came over to them and drew her breath to speak.

“So, this is the first meeting, and I can see you’re enjoying it?” 

“Yeah” Isak said, “we are. She’s adorable, and I don’t think we are any less sure about our decision, more the other way around. I would take her home today if I could, but we have some things to sort out before we can welcome her home.”

Even nodded as he spoke, so he was agreeing, carefully stroking Mari’s back, and Isak could see his nose touching her head, he rubbed it carefully over her tiny forehead, probably sniffed a bit, and his cheeks were also touching hers, and they looked beautiful – the both of them. 

“I think it’s wise not to take her home today!” Anna smiled. “But you should come over and see her a couple of times before you take her home with you next weekend.”

“We can?” Even smiled. “But that must be a lot to you?” he looked at Emilie. 

“It’s my job, Even,” she smiled. “Being a temporary foster home means making sure that the kids staying with us gets to know their new foster parents, and that means a lot of people coming to our house. But it’s ok. I kind of like it.”

“Ok.” Isak smiled. “But Fredrik isn’t in temporary foster care?” he just had to ask. Lucas had been in his room for about 20 minutes now, and Isak was kind of impressed.

“No. He came for temporary foster care five years ago and was about to move to another foster home, but then things happened – the family he was about to move to got severe illness to handle, and Fredrik grew more and more into our family and he kind of fit with us, so he stayed. We’ve got two children that’s our own – biologically – they’re 18 and 23, and the three of them fit together.”

Isak watched Emilie while she was talking. Thinking about Lucas. He did fit. And when he looked at Mari and Even, he was absolutely sure that Mari would too. 

“So, for the visits; just pick a couple of days and times, and we’ll arrange it!” Emilie said with a grin. 

“Oh. Monday at 1700?” Isak suggested, “I think that’s the earliest we’ll manage on Monday, because of the drive over here.”

“That’s fine with me,” Emilie said. “Then you can join our bath-time-routine. Have you ever bathed an infant before?” 

“Eh… no?” Even said looking at Isak, and Isak shook his head. “We would like you to show us, please!”

Emilie laughed – “Will do!” Next day?”

“Wednesday we both can get off early if we need, so how about 1500?” Even suggested. 

“That’s fine too!”

“I think those two will do it” Anna said “and then we can arrange the pick up at Saturday. Do you want me to come?” She looked at Emilie, Isak and Even. 

“You don’t have to come”, Emilie said. “I’ve done this several times, I think we’ll manage.”

“That’s fine by me,” Anna said, “then you and Even has to come by mine at Friday to get the paper works for Mari to take to yours. 0900 ok?” she nodded at Isak.

“Yeah, we can do that” Isak said, and Even nodded. 

“Then it’s all settled. I’m so glad it turned out so well for all parts!” Anna said, and smiled at them. 

Isak looked at Even. He looked so good and confident where he sat with their little girl on his chest, nuzzling, holding her safe in his arms, stroking her back, and he loved the sight. It was just a week and then they would have this little girl with them all the time. They could take her home, they could cuddle, feed her, change her diapers, bath her…. They had to do everything. And he knew they could do it. Together. Isak felt an enormous happiness thinking about it, and he smiled, looked at Even and Mari and smiled again. 

“Yeah, me to!” Isak said and kept smiling


	8. The eight step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner at Jonas and Eva's

Driving over to Jonas and Eva later that afternoon, with Even and Lucas, Isak felt like something was missing. He knew it was Mari he was missing, and he also knew that it wasn’t possible to take her home yet – they hadn’t got all the stuff they needed yet, but they would get there before next weekend. They had to.  

They had just been at a hardware-store and bought paint so Lucas and Even could start painting the next day, and now they were going to have dinner with Jonas and Eva before they drove back home with all the things after Bea that Jonas had promised them. Some furniture, a lot of clothes and other baby stuff.

It had been hard to say goodbye to Mari even if they knew they were going to see her again Monday. Isak had bent over her crib and kissed her several times, and in the end Even had dragged him out  of the living room and through the hall and told him that she would be ok until they came back. 

Lucas didn’t really want to go either. He’d played with Fredrik and had a very good time, and seemed to like the boy a lot. It wasn’t before they told him they were going to Marcus’ he’d come voluntarily, but he asked if he could come and see Fredrik again, and when they told him that they would come back on Monday, he smiled happily. 

“Did you have a nice time with Fredrik today, Luc?” Isak asked while driving to Jonas and Eva. 

“Yeah. Fredrik was very nice, and we kind of liked the same stuff. Almost like me, Marcus and Kerim.”

“That’s nice. And I think it’s nice that you look forward to see him again on Monday.”

“Yeah, I really do,” Lucas drew his breath “but what about after Mari’s moved in with us, can I visit him again?”

Isak looked over at Even who was driving, and he looked  briefly back before he answered; “We’ve got to talk to Emilie about that, sweetie. I don’t know what they think.”

“Ok” Lucas bowed his head, and looked kind of sad. 

“You really like him, don’t you?” Isak asked quietly.

“Yeah.” Lucas was silent for a while before he spoke again; “He was kind of like me, you know, not like Marcus and Kerim who live with their real parents…...” he turned silent again.

Isak drew his breath and asked the question he was kind of afraid of asking. “Do you think about it a lot, Luc? That we’re not your real parents?”

“No, not really.” Lucas said, and Isak could hear him smile. “I love you and dad a very much and don’t want to be with anyone else in the whole world. It’s just…” he drew his breath, “it’s just….. when Fredrik and I talked about it earlier today….. he doesn’t really think about it a lot either, that Emilie's not his real mother…. but he understood that I wasn’t your biologically son because of you both being men,” he laughed – andEven couldn’t help it but laugh too – and Lucas continued“wejust  kind of talked about it a bit. And it was nice.”

“It would be a miracle if you were our biologically son” Even continued smiling. 

“Yeah, and it’s not that we talked about it like it is a bad thing, because it isn’t, it’s just that it’s something we have in common, and it was kind of good to talk to someone who was just like me.” 

“I think I can understand what you’re saying, Luc.” Even said.“And we can talk to Emilia about it, and maybe Fredrik feels the same and wants to get to know you better too? Maybe he can come to ours too?”

“Yeah”, Lucas said. “That would be awesome! Thanks dad! 

“No problem, Luc!” Even smiled at him through the rear-view-mirror, “no problem at all!”

They parked the car outside Jonas and Eva’s apartment and Lucas jumped out of the car immediately, run up to their apartment door, it flung open in the second he got there, and they could see Lucas get inside and the door was shut close. Isak shook his head, smiled at Even and asked hesitantly; 

“What do you think all that was about?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe it was just about having someone like him in his life? You know, when I first got diagnosed with bipolar, I felt kind of alone in the world too, but when Kriss introduced me to some other teenagers with bipolar, it helped. Even if it was just having bipolar we got in common, it helped talking to them. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. It’s not the same, but it’s similar anyway. Maybe he just needs someone to talk to that knows what he talks about – someone that’s not us?”

“Yeah, I guess. And Fredrik seemed like a good boy. And Emilie was just awesome!”

“Yeah. Agree. I’ll talk to her,” Even said “I’ll talk to her about it Monday. Ok?” 

“Ok!” Isak leaned over the mid-console to give Even a kiss, and Even bend over and met him. And the kiss lasted for a while – it was hours since the last, way too long ago on a Saturday for the both of them. Saturday was the cuddle day, and they’d hardly kissed since that morning. They broke apart when there was a knock on the window, and Jonas grinned widely. They opened their doors and got out

“I really thought you would be too old to sit in the car making out?” Jonas said, teasing and smiling. 

“We’ve been busy all day, hardly had any time to cuddle or kiss at all. It was the first kiss since this morning, I’m kiss-starved” Even smiled and laughed, and Isak couldn’t help laughing either – both because of Even's and Jonas' faces. 

“You’re unbelievable. You’ve been together for nearly thirteen years, married for more than half of them, get some grip boys!” he snorted. 

“Never!” Even said, pulled Isak to his chest and kissed him again. 

“What he says!” Isak smiled, and kissed Even back!

Jonas shook his head, and laughed. “You’re hopeless! The both of you! Get inside now, dinner’s almost ready, and Bea’s waiting for her crazy “uncles”. 

“Must be you she’s waiting for, Ev,” Isak smiled. 

“Sure” Even smiled back, “I can be the crazy one, as long as it’s with you!”

That was the last drop for Jonas, his eyes rolled back, and he sighed “Oh, please!Even, Isak; You’re over thirty, not teenagers anymore!” but he laughed, and Isak knew he really didn’t mind. 

All seated by the table, the conversation quickly turned to be about Mari. Isak and Even had pictures of her which they let Jonas and Eva see, and they talked about both the meeting and the plans ahead. Lucas and Marcus didn’t really have time for a long dinner, so they asked if they could be excused after cleaning their plates. Bea curled her self up in Even’s lap, a bit tired, but mostly delighted of having Even all to herself. Isak watched them, and could clearly picture Mari in his lap too, and was looking forward to get a lot more of those pictures in both his head, on his phone and not at least; on their wall. They sat around the table, chatted and laughed and had a good time until Bea fell asleep and Eva scooped her up in her arms to carry her to bed, leaving the boys to clean the table and the kitchen. 

After cleaning together, Jonas took Isak and Even to the garage to look at the stuff he and Eva had gathered for them, there was a lot of the stuff they needed. A crib, suitable for their bedroom, a changing table  who just needed a bit of paint, a dresser - also in need for some paint - a rocker chair, a high-chair and two big bags of clothes. 

  
“The clothes are just stuffed in to these bags, there are clothes from new-born up to one year. You have to sort them yourself.” Jonas said. “And I’m sorry, but we threw away all the bottles and sip-cups and that sort of things. They were not suitable for use anymore.”

Isak looked at the bags, and couldn’t wait to start. He had to wash the clothes, he thought to himself. Bea was five, and clothes lying in bags for four-five years might need washing. It was his job, he knew that, but it didn’t bother him at all; he could sort out the clothes tomorrow while Even and Lucas painted her room. 

“We don’t get all these stuff into our car.” Even said, looking at all the stuff “I’ll call dad and ask if he can come over with their neighbour’s pick-up. He uses that sometimes at work too.”

“Ok” Isak said. “He doesn’t have to come now though, let him know that we can do it tomorrow.” 

“I’ll tell him”. 

Isak looked at all the stuff and smiled while he heard Even talking to Anders. 

“You’re all good?” Jonas came up behind him and touched his shoulder. 

“Yeah, I am. We are!” Isak smiled at him. “It feels so right, you know, for all three of us,” Isak turned serious for a while and looked Jonas straight in his eyes. “Did you feel that when Eva was pregnant with Bea? That everything was right? That everything fitted?”

“Yeah, I did. It was like the last piece of the family-puzzle was found and it was all complete.”

“Yeah. It’s kind of amazing.”

“I know”. 

They stood in silence a bit, Jonas picked out a few of the clothes after Bea and looked at them, smiled at Isak, and put them back. “I’m so happy for you, and so glad you can use some of this stuff after Bea.” 

Even came over to them and shook his head while smiling. 

“You should try to stop him; he was almost at their neighbour’s door asking to borrow their car before I had asked the question. He’ll be here in about half an hour.” 

Isak smiled too. He kind of knew it. Anders would get here and he could kind of bet everything he owned that Liv would come too. 

“Let’s go inside for a coffee while we wait for Anders”, Jonas said and walked out of the garage. Isak grabbed Evens hand and walked after Jonas, thought that coffee sounded just perfect. 

“We’ve got to make a list, Ev.” Isak said while walking up to their front door, looking at the lights streaming from the apartments. And he hoped that Eva and Jonas had looked at the house down their own street. He had to remember to ask them about it.

“A list?” 

“Yes. A list. Of what we need to buy. Like a car seat, a stroller, more feeding bottles – I think one doesn’t cover her need for bottles – beddings, cloths, duvet, maybe a new mattress, maybe a bathtub for babies – one of those we can put on top of our own tub. I’ve seen them displayed.”

“Ok, sweetie” Even hummed. “We’ll make a list. But we don’t need to do it right now, because we can’t buy those things today or tomorrow anyway.”

“No, but lists are always good to have, Ev.”

“I know, I know and we’ll make a list, Is. Tonight – or tomorrow night. I promise. When we’ve got all the stuff from Jonas and Eva’s home and sorted we can see what we need to get. Ok?”

“Ok. It’s just… it’s so much we have to get, and it kind of stresses me, and I just want everything to be perfect when she comes.” Isak put his arms around Evens waist and stopped him from walking after Jonas into the apartment, pulled him in and held him tight. 

“Hey, Is. It’s going to be perfect even if we don’t have everything at once. Because it’s her. And us, and that’s fucking perfect. Ok?” Even put his arms around him and hugged him tight. “You’re fucking perfect!”

Isak smiled and tilted his head up to get a kiss before Jonas came out looking for them “Ok. But stop the swearing, please?” 

“I only swear when I’m alone with you! And especially in bed with you, I can’t help it,” he whispered the last words into Isak’s ear with a low and kind of rusty voice, and Isak felt it down to his toes, and couldn’t help but smile a bit.

“When we’re alone.”

“You just wait for later tonight. I’m going to swear!” Even continued whispering, kissed him, slipped his tongue into Isak’s mouth, licking his bottom lip and pushed himself closer. Isak felt the shivers through his whole body from the promise Even just made to him, and he would like to turn around and drive home on the spot – but of course they couldn’t.

“Can’t wait!” Isak just whispered back, and he could see it in Even’s eyes too. The want to get out of there, but they had to get themselves together and walk inside. Just one more hug and kiss, Isak leaned in and met Even’s lips…. but of course – there Jonas was, in the door. 

“What are you….” Jonas looked at them, rolled his eyes, but smiling “For God’s sake, can you please get your hands of each other?” 

“Sorry, Jonas!” Isak said, “he’s just too handsome!” Even laughed at him, and smiled to Jonas too.

“Sorry, Jonas! It’s hard…..”

“I can see that” he said dryly and looked down at the bulges in their pants.

“….to keep my hands of him!” I was going to say, “But, yeah, sorry! We’ll stop.” His face had turned red, and Isak could feel his own face being a bit on the red side too. 

Standing in front of Jonas and Eva’s front door with a half hard cock wasn’t his thoughts of a nice Saturday evening, but he blamed Even. 

“It’s your fault!” he whispered to Even when Jonas turned around and walked in to their hall. 

“My fault?” Even snorted “Look who’s talking. Standing there talking about lists and looking all gorgeous!”

Isak laughed “So me talking about lists turns you on?” 

Even shook his head. “No, you looking all gorgeous turns me on!” And he smiled, walking in to Jonas and Evas apartment again, and Isak walked behind him, shook his head and smiled, looking forward to the evening Even just had promised him.  

Anders arrived about 30 minutes later, and as Isak had predicted – Liv was with him. They loaded the cars with all the stuff and said good bye to Jonas and Eva. Lucas was already in the car, and Marcus had just said good bye. 

“See you soon” Eva said, “Give us a call if you need something. Anything!”

“I will,” Isak said. “And thank you so much for all this stuff!”

They hugged, got into the car and drove home.


	9. Ninth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas gets a sleepover at Liv and Anders'.

Ninth step

Back home they carried all the stuff into their house with help from Liv and Anders. Lucas helped with the small stuff, and chatted **_non stop_** about this and that. Isak just smiled, so happy to get all the stuff placed into their house and he was looking forward to sorting it out tomorrow.

When the last item was carried in and placed in the living room, he looked around and then he looked to Even and smiled;

“Got some work to do tomorrow to, sweetie!”

“Yes, we do, but we’ve got all day. We’ll manage.”

“Sure we will, we always do!” Isak walked over to him and put his arms around his waist and leaned into his chest. Lucas spun into the living room from outside, a bit out of breath;

“Dads? Can I go with grandma and grandpa to theirs and sleep there tonight?” He looked up at the both of them. “Please, pretty-please?”

“But we are supposed to paint Mari’s bedroom tomorrow? I thought you wanted to help me?” Even said smiling, but a bit confused.

“Oh, I am. Grandpa said he’s going to drive me over tomorrow morning, because he’s coming to help you. Grandma too, by the way.”

“They are?” Isak smiles at Even. Of course they’re coming to help, and Isak and Even won’t say no. Not at all. There are a lot of things that needs to be done.

“If grandpa says it’s ok, it’s fine with us.” Even smiled at Lucas and he run upstairs to get his stuff.

“He’s not been nagging you about sleepover?” Even asked Anders when he walked into the living room.

“Not at all,” Anders says, “It was your mother who asked him. She’s got some stuff she wants him to look at. We’re bringing it over tomorrow and you can look at it to. Keep what you want. It’s some stuff after you, Even.”

“Ok,” Even smiled at Isak and Isak smiled back. Isak loved getting stuff Liv had saved from Even’s childhood. They’d got plenty when Lucas came to them, but the baby-stuff was still untouched, so he was kind of excited for what they got to get now. He bet it was cute, because everything Even had as a child was cute to Isak.

“We’ll come over around 1100 I guess. I’ll help you move that big bed down to the office, and I can help you paint too, if you want me to?”

“Sure dad. That would be awesome. We need to paint the changing table and the dresser, that’s a job for you!” he smiled, “and you can have breakfast with us at 1100 when you come?”

“That would be lunch for us, but it’s ok. Lunch at 1100,” he smiled.

“I guess tomorrow will be the last morning for ages we’ll be able to sleep in, so yeah. Breakfast for us, lunch for you guys.” Isak smiled.

Lucas came bouncing down the stairs as Liv came into the living room too,

“Grandma! I’m coming with you. Got my stuff here!” he held out a bag and gave it to her.

“Good, Luc!”

“Brunch here at 1100 tomorrow” Isak said to Liv. “And I’m looking forward to see all the tiny babystuff Even had when he was little.” Isak smiled, and Liv smiled back to him. “I bet it’s adorable!”

“Yes, it is. I can’t wait for you to see it!”

“Please, mum. Can’t something stay in the past?” Even hid his head in his hands.

“Sorry, no!”

“Grandpa? Grandma? Can we please go?” Lucas pulled on Anders sleeve, eager to get going.

“Sure, Luc. We’re going now!” Anders said. “Come on, Liv! See you tomorrow boys!”

“Yeah, thanks again dad. See you tomorrow!” Isak smiled, and Even raised his hand to wave “Bye dad! Thanks!”

Lucas came over to them and hugged them both. “By dad, love you!” he said, first to Even and then to Isak.

“Love you too, Luc. Be good!” Isak said back, and hugged him tight. “See you tomorrow!”

 

 

They left, and Isak and Even were all by themselves. Isak slid his arms around Evens waist and pulled him in to a hug, put his head into the crock of Evens neck and whispered;

“It’s been a while since we had the whole evening and night to us self, and I’m sure it will be a while until we get that again.” His lips kissed Evens neck and his hands tugged the shirt out of Even’s pants to feel the warm skin under his hands when he strokes up and down Evens back.

“I guess I promised you some swearing too” Even said, tugging on Isak’s shirt too, so he could get some skin under his hands. His large hands up and down his back made Isak’s breath shiver, and he pressed his hardening cock into Evens body. Even kissed Isak’s chin, jaws, down his throat, under his ear and Isak moaned silently into Even’s shoulder. Stretching his neck to let Even get access to more skin to kiss, while he slid one hand down on the inside of Even’s pants and cupped his ass and squeezed it. Even moaned into his throat and presses himself toward Isak and Isak could feel him through their jeans and it made his toes curl.

Isak squeezed his ass more and slide the other hand down and pulled him in. One finger slid down his crack and teased Even’s rim, and Isak could feel Even’s leg’s shivering.

“Sho… shower or bedroom?” Even stuttered.

“Kitchen table” Isak answered. “It’s been ages. Then shower and then bedroom” Even pulled back and looked at him with wide open eyes, grabbed his waist with one hand and the other behind his neck, kissed him, deep, before he pulled back again and looked at him smiling and said;

“Kitchen table it is. And shower and bedroom!” Even smiled and pulled him into his chest.


	10. The tenth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting the house ready

Waking up Sunday morning, Isak was sore in almost every muscle he had, but it was so worth it. The night before had been amazing, Even had been amazing, he felt amazing… But he wondered if Even maybe was a bit sore too, it had been a long time since their acrobatic skills had been used in so many ways in one night. He turned on his side and looked at Even. He was still asleep, face all relaxed and beautiful. Almost like he was when they first started seeing each other. Ok, a couple of wrinkles was added to his face, but Isak loved them – they were mostly where his face wrinkled when he smiled –  as long as the wrinkles were caused by smiles and not to many worries, Isak was happy about that.

He kissed Even’s forehead carefully, turned around and tried to sneak out of bed when he felt an arm around his waist.

“Where you think you’re going?” Even said, low, raspy morning voice. So sexy it made Isak shiver all the way to his toes.

Isak leaned back into their bed, being pulled into Even’s chest and held while Even kisses his neck and shoulder. Isak smiled.

“I was going downstairs to start the breakfast. We’re having guests at 1100, our son, mum and dad, remember?”

“Oh, I love it when you call Lucas our son!”

“He is.” Isak said. “Even if he doesn’t share our genes or name, he is.”

“I would like him to have our name to, you know. That’s actually one of my dreams.”

“Yeah, me too. Maybe in the future.” Isak said, turning around in Even’s arms so he could face him. “You know, with Anita saying she doesn’t want him to visit her anymore, it might actually become true.”

“I’ve thought about it. Not letting it go.”

“Me neither. I was planning to talk to Anna about it, but something came up…..” he didn’t get to finish before Even interrupted him;

“Oh?” Even teasing, stroking down his hip barely touching his half hard cock. “Something surely came up several times last night.” Isak giggled, and pushed Even’s hand off,

“I think there was two of those who came up, but we have no time for that now, Ev. It’s 0945 already. Don’t want mum and dad – or Lucas – come bursting in and see something they shouldn’t!”

“We’ll manage a quickie in 15 minutes, Is.”

“No, Ev. That is; we could manage, but I don’t want to have a quickie now.”

“Shower?” Even asks.

“Shower.” Isak agrees, and they rush into their bathroom.

 

30 minutes later they’re both in the kitchen preparing breakfast/lunch and talking about how to organize the rest of the day. They agree that Lucas and Even paints the bedroom after they’ve carried the big guest bed down to the office. Anders could paint the changing table and the dresser, they didn’t want to paint the crib, it wasn’t that worn. Liv could reorganize the office to an office/guestroom and Isak would take care of the clothes and other stuff. If Liv was done early, she could cook them dinner. Isak smiled. He loved Liv’s cooking almost as much as Even’s.

The doorbell rang five minutes to 11, and Isak walked over to open. Lucas threw himself in Isak’s arms, and hugs him.

“I’ve missed you, dad!”

“And I’ve missed you. Had a nice time with grandma and granddad?”

“The best. I got to sleep in their bed, and I did get Nutella sandwich for breakfast!”

“Ouch…” Isak grinned. “Lucky us dad ate all the Nutella yesterday so you don’t have to get one here too!”

Lucas jumped out of his arms and headed to the kitchen and Even while Liv and Anders came in to the hall. Anders was carrying two big boxes labelled “Even 0-2 years”, and Isak could barely wait to open them.

“There are three more boxes in the car. We’ll get them later.” Anders said, taking of his coat and shoes following Liv who was already on her way to the kitchen.

Coming in to the kitchen Isak heard Even and Lucas discuss the Nutella-case

“Dad, come on. You didn’t eat all the Nutella yesterday. I know you didn’t.”

“Luc, listen to me. We emptied the glass together, you and me, remember. And we didn’t buy a new one yesterday. And besides, I guess you’ve got your Nutella-sandwich at grandmas today? Right?”

“Ok” Lucas sighed but smiled.

“Have a seat” Isak said as he walked into the kitchen. “I’m starving!”

 

After they are done eating, Even, Anders and Lucas started dismantling the large bed in the guestroom – Mari’s room to be - to bring it down to the office. Liv draged Isak out to the car to get the boxes with clothes and stuff after Even. They carried them into the living room and started going through all of them. There were clothes, toys, books, some beddings – one pale blue with stars which Isak thought was adorable, and one pale red – almost pink – which Liv loved. Isak decided he wanted to keep them both and threw them in the pile of clothes that was going to be washed. Liv also picked out a small sleepingbag which she told Isak that Even used when he slept outside in the stroller during the winter, Isak kept that one too. Liv also had a lot of woollen clothes for babies, and while Isak thought about Lucas and how itchy he thought woollen clothes were, he threw it in the “to-wash”-pile.

After sorting all the boxes from Even, and listening to Liv telling him story after story about Even as a baby, Liv walked over to the office and started to put the bed Even and Anders had moved down together again. Isak put clothes in the washing machine and started going through the bags after Bea. There were a lot of clothes that were perfectly fine to use, some of them actually brand new. A lot of clothes to wash, but Isak kind of enjoyed it, he run the washer on short programs, and after some hours he had clothes hanging everywhere to dry, and he had a lot of clothes in a basket – dried in the dryer – to fold.

He walked upstairs to see how Even and Lucas were doing.

Walking in to the former guestroom, he kind of gasped. One of the walls were now light turquois and the three others were light purple. On the turquois wall there were painted a pale moon, and over the moon it was written _“Sleep well, princess”_. In the middle of the room Anders stood by the dresser and the changing table painted in light purple and white. The doors on the double closet in the room were also painted turquois, and on one of the doors it was painted “HOME” and on the other “FAMILY” and under the word “family” it said “Even-Isak-Lucas-Mari” in a heart.

“Oh, it’s beautiful!” Isak exclaimed.

Even spun around and looked at Isak; “Hey there. Glad you liked it. It was Lucas’ idea!”

Lucas blushed a bit, but smiled widely. “I thought it would be nice.”

“It’s beautiful, Lucas. You’re so clever” Isak walked over to him and hugged him. “Do you want to paint your own closet-doors like that too?”

“Yeah, I do. I actually want to have the doors turquois too. I think it will go nice with the light blue walls I’ve got.”

“I think so too, Luc.” Even said, smiling at him. Anders just looked at them, smiled, and walked into Lucas’ room, they heard some sounds and all of the sudden he stood in Mari’s room with one of the doors belonging to Lucas’ closet and said;

“GO ahead, Luc, start painting!” before he walked out again and got the other door.

Lucas grinned and started painting while Even looked over at Isak and smiled. Isak walked over to him and gave him a peck on the cheek.

“You done with all the clothes and stuff from my childhood?” Even asked.

“Not done yet, but got a lot of it washed, and more to go, I’m getting there. Actually got some beddings from your mother, so we can cross that of our list” Isak smiled and winked at him, and Even smiled back.

“Good. We’ll make the list later, and we’ll go shopping at Tuesday.” Even leaned in and kissed him and Isak saw Lucas rolling his eyes while painting, but he didn’t mind and kissed him back.

“Nice. Mum has started dinner; it will be ready in about 45 minutes. You guys finished here?” Isak asks.

“Yeah, sort of. Just have to clean up after Lucas done with his doors. It was good the walls were white and the painting dried fast. We’ve actually painted two layers. It looks nice.”

“It looks better than nice. It looks amazin. You’re amazing, Ev.” Isak kissed him once more, walked over and ruffled Lucas’ hair “And you’ve done a very good job too, Luc. Maybe you’ll get paid for the job as well?” Isak smiled at him, and Lucas turned his head around and smiled back.

“How much?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Haven’t discussed it with dad yet. We’ll get back to it.” He smiled again, and so did Lucas.


	11. The eleventh step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even makes the list  
> Lucas wants to play a song

Later that evening, after Liv and Anders had left and some more clothes had gone through the washer, Even and Isak laid on the coach, scrolling through their phones with the TV playing in the background. Lucas had gone to his room to play with his toys. Isak looked up at Even and smiled;

“Ready to make a list?”

Even looked at him, furrowed his brows but his face soon turned into a big smile.

“Sure,” he hesitated a bit "kitchen….. table?” he asked smiling widely.

“Kitchen…” Isak nodded, smiled back, knew that Even thought about what they did on that kitchen table last evening, he shook his head as he walked after Even into the kitchen.

 Even poured them a cup of coffee each, Isak got the notebook out from the drawer which contained everything you possible needed and lots of stuff they possible never ever were going to need again, grabbed a pen and sat down.

“So, gorgeous list-freak, what do we need – and what do we have?”

Isak smiled at Even, bend over and gave him a kiss; “You should be happy I’m making lists, or else our life would be a total mess.”

“I know,” Even smiled “Just teasing you. I love your lists, and in fact it wasn’t just you being gorgeous that turned me on at Jonas’ yesterday, it was also you talking about lists, so keep talking.” Even grinned even wider, and Isak could actually feel a bit of a blush.

“Shut up!” he mumbled and took a sip of his coffee.

“I love that I still can make you blush” Even continued and leaned over and kissed him. “But the list?”

“Yeah, the list. We need to buy a stroller – big enough that we can use it for her to sleep in outside, mum said. And we need a car seat, or else we can’t bring her home with us on Saturday. We also need at least 10 bottles and we need to get infant formula milk. Maybe we can ask Emilie which one to get tomorrow?”

“Yeah, clever” Even smiled “And we need a tub for her, you talked about tub’s that could be placed on top of the ordinary tubs?”

“I saw a picture of that somewhere, they probably have those in one of the baby-stores downtown.”

“Does she need more clothes?” Even asks.

“I don’t think so. When all the clothes I’ve washed and sorted out today are folded, I’ll go through it and look, but I don’t think so. Besides; I suppose she has some clothes at Emilie’s which we will get, and I suppose people around us will greet her with presents.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“Do we need a steamer?”

“For what?” Even asks, doesn’t get the need.

“For cleaning the bottles?”

“Why would we need a steamer?”

“To get them disinfected?”

“But isn’t cleaning and boiling doing the job?”

“I suppose so. I just saw an ad for a bottle steamer.”

“I really don’t think we need one.”

“I suppose not – what about a bottle heater?”

“Is that a thing, really?”

“Yeah, you put the bottle in it and it heats up to perfect 37 degrees”

Even laughs, and Isak smiles too.

“We can heat the bottle in warm water, I don’t think we need a bottle heater either. I remember Sana used a big mug with hot water to heat the bottles for Ayla."

“Yeah, you’re right. We don’t need it. Then the list is kind of short; stroller, car-seat, a bathtub, bottles and infant formula milk.”

“That’s not much. I think we’ll be doing good as dads to an infant.”

“Yeah?” Isak smiled but felt kind of uncertain but wanted to hide it from Even at that moment. “I can’t wait to get her home. And I really look forward to seeing her tomorrow. Emilie was going to show us how to bath her. Have you ever given a baby a bath?”

“No. The youngest kid I’ve given a bath is Lucas, and he was three.” Even smiled. “It’s a bit terrifying actually”

Isak sighed and was relieved that Even felt the uncertainty too. “I know. But we’ll manage. And we can always ask mum!” Isak smiles.

“Yeah, we can ask mum.” Even smiled lovingly at him.

The sound of Lucas running down the stairs got them both out of the baby-bubble. He run into the kitchen, clearly something on his mind.

“Dad?! You have to show me A minor and E minor on the guitar. I’ve found a song I want to play for Mari, but I don’t remember those chords.” Lucas looked at Even, a little bit of desperation in his eyes.

“What song?”

“What do I know? Ed Sheeran. Please, I have to sing that to her, I remember you singing that song for me when I was supposed to move to mum, and I want to sing it to Mari. Please!”

Isak’s heart jumped a beat when Lucas spoke about his mum, but it wasn’t the moving part he remembered, it was Even singing to him. It felt kind of good in a strange way. He looked at Even and he looked at Lucas smiled and nodded to Even.

“Seriously, Luc? Ed Sheeran?” Even grinned.

“It’s a nice song, dad! Love and stuff, you know!” Lucas continued. “Please. I know the lyrics and all the other chords, I just need you to show me A and E minor. I want to play it to Mari. Please, dad!”

Even smiled widely at him. “Sure, sweetie. I’m just teasing you. Get your guitar – and mine – and we’ll play it together. Maybe dad can sing along too?” Even looked at Isak as Lucas went upstairs to get their guitars. They’d sung together quite a lot when Lucas was younger, and especially that autumn. They’d bought Lucas a guitar and Even had thought him to play quite a few songs, and he was kind of good at it. And Lucas did actually have a beautiful voice.

Lucas came back down and gave Even his guitar and put the sheet with the cords and lyrics on the table.

“Show me what you got so far,” Even said, and Lucas started playing and singing. He stopped playing when he got to the chords he didn’t remember, but didn’t stop singing, just continued and played along when he got to the chords he knew. Even stopped him after a little while, and showed him the A minor and the E minor and the switch from the chord before and to the one after. It didn’t take long before Lucas managed it, and him and Even played together and they all sang. Isak felt exactly what the lyrics said; _“Love can change the world in a moment.”_


	12. The twelfth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak's at work and can't wait for the day to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real life got the first priority again for a while, but another Chapter will come soon. 
> 
> Thank you for Reading!

The working hours Monday went  slow. Very slow. It wasn’t like Isak had nothing to do at work, quite the contrary, but he couldn’t help looking at his watch every 15 minute, and it seemed like the numbers on his watch hardly changed. He just wanted to get back home to Even and Lucas and go to see Mari. He felt like he was in love – like when he first fell in love with Even and couldn’t wait for Even to get to kollektivet after school or for him to leave school and go to Even. He smiled at himself and shook his head. Sana dropped by when he sat there smiling and shaking his head.

“Hey there. What are you smiling and shaking your head at?”

“Oh, just realizing what a dork I am!”

“Oh, nothing’s new then?” Sana grinned, and Isak – childish as he could be – put his tongue out at her. “Oh, dr. Bech Næsheim, that’s kind of rude!”

“I know. Sorry. Just can’t wait to get the working hours to an end.”

“What’s going on?”

“We’re going to visit Mari this evening.”

“Mari? Your little girl?”

“Yeah. We saw her on Saturday, and we’re going over to visit her again after work,” Isak smiled widely, “do you want to see a picture of her?”

“Sure,” Sana said, sitting down at his desk.

Isak pulled out his phone and showed Sana the pictures. She smiled at the pictures and smiled at Isak. “She looks adorable!”

“Yeah, she is,” Isak smiled at the pictures too. There was a bit of silence before Isak spoke again;

“You know Sana, her mother is giving her up for adoption. And the child services have asked us if we want to adopt her when all is settled.”

“And?” Sana asked, grinning widely at him.

“We said ‘yes’ of course. She’s going to be Mari Bech Næsheim when papers and legally stuff are sorted out.”

“Oh!” Sana’s face turned into a big smile “That’s great!”

“Yeah, it’s kind of scary too. She’s so little. We haven’t got any knowledge about how to take care of a little baby. What if we mess up? What if we don’t know what to do, what if we hurt her, what if…

“Hey, hey, Isak!” Sana interrupted “Slow down. You’ve taken excellent care of Lucas for five years, our kids adore both Even and you, the same goes for Jonas’ kids, why would you mess up?”

“I don’t know. I kind of don’t know much about babies except for how to perform surgery on them – and I sure hope I don’t have to do that!”

“You’ll be alright, Isak. What did you know about three-year-old when Lucas came to you?”

“Eh… nothing much, we knew they were nagging and whining a lot – because of Kerim and Marcus” he grinned at Sana

“Rude – again!” she tried to look firm at him, but smiled instead. “But see – you managed that, and you will manage this. And I’ll be a phone call away, so will everybody else around you. You’ll be fine!”

“Ok, Thanks, Sana!” Isak got up, walked around the desk and pulled Sana in for a hug. “Thank you best bud!” he whispered in her ear, and she giggled a bit.

“No problem best bud! I’m here for you, you know!”

The hug was interrupted by a sound from Isak’s phone. He picked it up and smiled. It was Even.

**< 3 MY HANDSOM HUSBAND <3 (14:45)**

_“Hey handsome!”_

_“I’m picking up Lucas at school now.”_

_“When are you done?”_

_“Hey handsomer!”_

_“I’m done 1530, will be home at 1600, ready to go!”_

_“Do you want something to eat before we leave?”_

_“Just a sandwich or something easy.”_

_“Surprise me!”_

_“Your wish is my command!”_

_“See you soon!”_

_“ <3”   _

_“Love you!”_

_“ <3”_

_“Love you too, baby!”_

 

Sana looked at him while he texted.

“Even?” she asked.

“Yeah.” Isak said, smiling. “How did you know?”

“It’s only when you text Even you got that dorky smile on your face. And almost hearts in your eyes – you know the kind of heart that’s on cartoons?”

Isak shook his head at her, but he knew. He was a dork when it came to Even, but he couldn’t help it.

“I know! And proud of it!” he smiled. “Sorry, I’ve got to finish this reports before I leave, and I’m not going to work later than I have to!”

“Ok,” Sana smiled “Enjoy the visit, and feel free text me how it was!”

“I will! Thanks again Sana!”

“No problem, Isak! Take care!”

She walked out of his office, and he managed actually to write the report and file it before his day ended.


	13. The thirteenth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monday afternoon and evening.

They parked outside Emilie’s house just before 1700. They were excited, looking forward to the meeting all three of them. Lucas most to see Fredrik again, but also see Mari. He had talked a lot on their way – a lot of question regarding their new life as a family of four, how it would affect him.Who would tuck him to bed, who would help him with his homework, who would pick him up after school, could he still bring his friends home, could Isak and Even still come to his football matches when the season started again, could they come and watch him practice as they used too… many questions. 

Isak and Even answered as best they could. They would both tuck him to bed – every night if they were home, they would both help him with his homework. Isak would mostly pick him up after school together with Mari, but Even would also do it the afternoons he worked from home, his friends were always welcome, they would definitely come to watch him play football – both matches and practise, but maybe not every practice, and maybe not the both of them at the same time. Lucas seemed satisfied with their answers, and leaned back and enjoyed the last minutes of the drive. 

When the front door opened, it wasn’t Emilie that came out, it was a man. He smiled at them and put his hand out; 

“Hi. I’m Dag, Emilie’s husband. Welcome, you must be Mari’s foster parents to be?” he smiled widely to them, and Isak took his hand and greeted him. 

“Yes,” he said, “I’m Isak. This is my husband Even, and this is Lucas” he nodded to Even and put Lucas in front of him. “Very nice to meet you!”

“Come in, come in!” Dag said, shook Even’s hand and ruffled Lucas’ hair “Fredrik has told me a lot about you Lucas, and he wonders if you want to play with him today too. He had a really good time when you were here Saturday!”

“Oh” Lucas said surprised, but happy “I had a very good time too!” he smiled, and looked up at both Even and Isak, and Isak smiled back to him and nodded. They remembered the question they were going to ask Emilie – and now Dag. 

In the living room, Mari was lying in Emilie’s lap, eyes wide open and her arms moved as she tried to get her hands into her mouth, but didn’t manage it. She was so cute, adorable, perfect. Isak felt like his heart was bursting with love for the little girl. 

“Hey” Emilie greeted “nice to see you again! Come, have a seat!” and she turned her head to the baby in her lap; “Mari, your dads have arrived. Want to go to your dad” She lifted Mari up and gave her to Even who more than willing took her in his arms and sat down on the couch. “What do you prefer we call you when we talk to her about you – we do that you know – even if she doesn’t understand the words. Dad? Father? Daddy?”

“Oh” Isak wasn’t prepared for that question, so he was a bit hesitant, but Lucas did not wait for him to speak so he answered in his place. 

“They’re both dad. And when they don’t listen they’re daddy Isak and daddy Even!” 

Isak smiled at him, and Even couldn’t hold back a laugh. “Yeah, that’s how it works. Dad for the both of us. Lucas’ decision.”

“Of course.” Emilie hiding a little laugh. “We’ll leave you alone for a while, and then you can give her a bath? In about an hour?”

“Ok…” Isak was a bit hesitant, while he sat down beside Even, “eh… Emilie, I have a couple of questions I want to ask you first. A couple of practical questions.”

“Sure” Emilie said and sat down again. 

“You know, Lucas came to us when he was three, so we don’t have that much experience with a new-born. Could you write down some essential stuff for us – like how many meals a day does she eat? How much? How do we know she eats enough? Which type of instant formula milk does she drink? How many times a day does she sleep, and for how long, and when? How many times do we give her a bath? Can she sleep outside? When do we take her to the health clinic? When does babies start to eat regular food and what kind?”

“Of course” Emilie smiled. “I’ll write it down, but you must be aware that things change rapid with the smallest babies, but you’ll soon know what she needs. I understand that you feel nervous about this, but think about it; when parents get their first kids, they don’t have any practice either – they’re mostly clueless – and you have to get to know her and she has to get to know you. OK?”

“Ok” Isak nodded.

“And in the matter of the health clinic, you will get an appointment when she’s registered at your address. And really; don’t feel bad for asking questions, that’s how we learn, all of us!”

“Thanks” Even said, looking down at Mari. “We haven’t thought about it that way. We’ve just talked about everything we do not know!”

“But you DO know a lot. Because you ask questions.” Emilie smiled again, and it struck Isak that yes, they did know a lot, and that they’d probably manage just fine. Like any other parents getting a baby for the first time. 

“I’ll leave you alone for a bit ok? Lucas? Fredrik is in his room if you want to play with him?”

Lucas looked at her and smiled, and he looked at Isak, Even and Mari. “Yeah, I want to play with him. Just want to say hello to Mari first!”

“OK. I’ll tell him you’re coming later.” Emilie smiled at him and he nodded. Lucas sat down in Isak’s lap just beside Even and they looked at Mari – all three of them. 

“Hey Mari!” Lucas said with his lowest and most soothing voice. “I’ve a surprise for you back home. I’ve been practising a song I want to play for you. It’s one of my favourites. Dad taught me how to play it. Maybe he can teach you too when you’ve grown a bit?” Lucas touched Mari’s hands and just as the last time, she gripped his index finger with her little hand and held it tight. Isak smiled at him and patted his back, swallowed the lump he felt in his throat; he was so proud of Lucas, the words he used, how he behaved, how he replied to Emilie and Dag when they asked him questions and how tender and caring he acted towards Mari.

“She’s so lucky to have you as a big brother, Lucas, and I’m so proud of you,” Isak said, still swallowing that lump. “I think she’ll love the song too.” Isak leaned over and kissed Lucas temple, and for once, he didn’t wince or wipe the kiss away. He just kept smiling at Mari and caressing her little hand with his fingers. 

“Can I hold her?” he looked at Even and Even smiled his widest smile to him. 

“Of course you can. Sit back on the couch, and I’ll put her in your lap. You just have to remember to support her head. She can’t hold it herself yet.” 

Lucas sat back in the sofa and Even put Mari in his lap. Lucas face turned soft and Mari seemed to look up at him too. “I can’t wait for Saturday to come!” Lucas said after a little while. Not to Even or Isak, but to Mari. It seemed like he’d forgot they were beside him 

“I’m gonna be the best big brother in the world,” he continued “And we’re so lucky, because we also have the best dads in the world. Even if they nag a bit, even if we DON’T get Nutella every day, even if we don’t get to stay up late, and even if we don’t get to watch as much TV as we want, they’re the best dads. Because they love us and take care of us, and cuddle us A LOT, and they kiss both each other and me, and probably you – all the time.” Lucas was talking and talking, telling Mari more about how it was at their place, and as Isak raised his eyes to look at Even, he could feel the damn water in his eyes again, everything made him cry these days. Watching Even he could tell it wasn’t just him, because Even’s eyes were all watery too. He smiled, and nodded, they knew they were doing the right thing. 

“Hey dad? Can you take her now? Wanna go play with Fredrik.” Lucas voice towards him ripped him out of his thoughts, and he smiled. Apparently, Lucas was all of the sudden done holding Mari, and lifted her carefully up so Isak could take her. He did, and Lucas went out of the living room and Isak could hear him say “hi” to Fredrik. 

Mari curled herself up in Isak’s arms, and Isak couldn’t help but to hold her even tighter. Even snuck an arm around Isak’s shoulder and pulled him a bit closer. 

“We apparently are the best dads in the world,” he whispered into Isak’s ear. “We’d better try to keep that position.”

“Yeah – and to me you’ll always be the best dad – and husband – in the world. No matter what!”

“You too, baby. You too!”

Even kissed his temple and got up from the couch. “I’m going to ask Emilie if she thinks it will be ok if Fredrik and Lucas keep in touch after Saturday.”

“Ok” Isak said, leaned back in the sofa and looked into their little girls face. He could feel the her even breath and the small sounds that came from her throat. It sounded like happy sounds, as if she was enjoying herself. She looked up at him, her tiny blue eyes made him almost shiver, and Isak started talking to her. Told her about her beautiful room which Lucas and Even had painted, told her about her fabulous grandparents who always was there. Told her about their friends, and about Lucas friends. Told her how much they already loved her and how much they loved that she was going to be theirs. He was so gone in the “conversation” that he didn’t notice Even coming into the living room again before he sat down beside him. 

“Oh, hi,” he said surprised “didn’t notice you coming back from the kitchen. I’ve just told her about everyone we’ve got that’s waiting to meet her.”

“I could hear you” Even said, smiling and brushing his arm tenderly. “Emilie wants us to come with her to the bathroom. You can give her the bath if you want to?”

“Me? But I don’t have a clue what to do?” 

Even giggled a bit, kissed his temple and caressed Mari’s cheek with his index finger; “That’s why Emilie’s going to be there to teach us.”

Isak smiled and nodded, got up, and carried Mari over to the bathroom. Emilie was already there, had laid out a big towel on the changing table, put out a PJ, a diaper, and was filling the tub. She told them to be careful to get the right temperature on the water, showing them how to use their elbow to make sure the water wasn’t too hot or cold. 

Isak put Mari down and carefully undressed her. Maris hands and feet wiggled a bit and it seemed that she enjoyed losing her clothes. When she was naked, Emilie showed Isak how to hold Mari in a one-hand-grip, which both steadied her head but also made Isak have full control over her. Isak kind of enjoyed it and felt that this was something he could easily manage on his own. He looked at Mari and up to Even who stood beside him with the widest grin on his face. Phone up and snapped pictures of them. Emilie gave him a washing cloth and guided him through washing her hair, face, neck, arms and fingers, body and feet. Mari enjoyed the bath. She laid there on Isak’s arm and looked at him, calm and satisfied, he could swear that he saw a little smile, but didn’t say anything, because he knew that babies didn’t smile that young. But still, maybe she did – just for him? 

When she was all done, Emilie told Isak to lift her over to the changing table and just wrap her in the towel and pat her dry. Mari wasn’t too satisfied to get out of the water so she started crying and Isak thought that he’d done something wrong before Emilie reassured him that she always cried a bit when she got out of the bath, but soon settled when the towel was safe around her body, and she did. Isak looked up to Even and asked him if he wanted to dress her, and he nodded. Isak stepped aside and Even was in charge. He patted her skin carefully, talked to Mari with his soft voice, smiled at her and Isak just watched, smiled and thought about how lucky he was.

Even got her diapers on and Emilie guided him through the art of dressing a baby. He struggled a bit because Mari’s arms and feet weren’t cooperating as Lucas’ was when they dressed him when he was little, but he managed well. 

“You wanna feed her before putting her to bed?” Emilie asked. 

“Sure” Even smiled, lifted Mari up in his arms and just stood there, admiring her. 

“Maybe you want to come and prepare the bottle, Isak?” Emilie asked. 

Isak didn’t get the question at once, he was too occupied watching Even and Mari, but he eventually answered; “Yeah, sure,” and followed Emilie to the kitchen. 

“It’s not that hard, because it says on the package how much formula and how much water. You just put it in the bottle and shake it. Be careful to have the right temperature on the water when you give it to her. If it gets too hot, she can burn her mouth and if it gets too cold she don’t want to eat. However, it’s easy to heat or cool – just put the bottle in a mug of either hot or cold water. 

“No bottle heater?” he asked and grinned to Even who had followed them with Mari safe in his arms. 

Emilie laughed, “You’ve done some research I understand? No, no bottle heater. Waste of money if you ask me. A big mug of water does the trick.”

Isak got the bottle ready and handed it to Even who walked out to the living room to feed her. Isak and Emilie followed him and sat down. 

“So,” Emilie started “Even tells me that Lucas enjoyed Fredrik’s company a lot”

“Yeah, he felt like they were at the same level – both being in foster care and being at the same age.”

Emilie nodded “As I told Even, Fredrik said the same thing. He’s got no contact with his mother either, and felt it was nice to have someone like Lucas to talk to.”

Isak nodded. “I know. Lucas doesn’t talk much about it, but we could see it was nice for him to talk to someone that had a similar background.”

“We” Emilie nodded to Dag who entered the room “would love to let the boys keep in touch if you – and they want.”

Isak smiled. “I know a boy that will be very happy about that!” 

“We know one too” Dag smiled. “Fredrik hasn’t stopped talking about Lucas since Saturday.”

“We’ll keep in touch. Soon they’ll be able to take the bus across the city to visit each other.” Emilie smiled. 

Isak startled by the thought of Lucas taking the bus alone across the city. He didn’t think he was ready to let Lucas do that in quite a few years. The look on his face must have given him away, because Dag looked at him and asked

“Not comfortable with Lucas riding the bus alone?”

“Eh, no. Not so much, no” Isak stuttered “You see, his mother abandoned him in her flat when he was six, he was all alone for quite a while, so he – and we – are kind of scared to let him go around for himself.” He looked at Even who’d manage to take his eyes away from Mari and he nodded in agreement to Isak’s words. “He’s kind of terrified to be left alone and to be on his own outside too. It’s possible it wasn’t the first time his mother abandoned him, but we don’t know that for sure.”

“Oh, I see. Well, our mission as parents are being the taxi-drivers anyway, so I’m sure we’ll work that out. But nice knowing about his fear of being left alone if he comes here without you.” Emilie smiled and added, “There’s a lot of hidden history in our boys past. And we just have to help them getting through it.”

“Yeah,” Even said, “Can I ask what Fredrik’s background is?”

“Sure.” Dag said, looking over his shoulder to see if the boys were about to come in. “Drugs and violence. His mother and father were together but not able to take proper care of him, his grandmother was in the picture for a while, but she died when he was two and a half and the family went down the drain after that. The services found him in the apartment with his mother – she was so high she couldn’t tell them where he was or what condition he was in, so they just removed him from his home and he’s not been there since.”

“Oh, tragic” Isak said, actually he could feel the tears pound behind his eyelids.

“Yes it was.” Emilie said. “He was so scared and closed when he came to us; we used about two weeks before he spoke to us.”

Isak looked at Even and he shook his head. “Just like Lucas. We used about that amount of time too. But he’s talked ever since.” Isak smiled, and Emilie and Dag nodded to him and each other. It was nice to talk to them, they were in the same situation too, and their boys had similar experiences. “It’s very nice to be able to talk to someone that understand what we’ve been through.” Isak continued, “Our friends and family are amazing, but they’re not able to fully understand how it was when Lucas came to us, and the process that’s been going on since to get him to feel safe, loved and secure in our family.”

“I know” Dag said. “We’re fortunate to have a family close who’s also being temporary foster care like us, so we talk a lot about the kids that we’ve got her – and when we deliver them to a new foster home – but we don’t have any permanent foster parents like you we could talk to either.” 

Even looked at Isak and at Emilie and silently whispered; “Hate to disturb the conversation, but this princess has fallen asleep. Do I put her in her crib?”

Emilie got up; “Yeah, you can put her down.”

Even got up, carried Mari over to the crib, kissed her forehead tenderly and put her down. Isak walked over too, looked at her, felt Evens arm over his shoulders, and leaned in. The feeling of being petrified for this unknown future they were heading into was replaced by a new feeling, a feeling of safety and love – not because he knew everything and was confident in being a dad to an infant – no, because he knew they could manage anything as long as they tried and weren’t afraid to ask for help. Moreover, because – as long as they loved this little girl – they couldn’t mess it up, because they did it together. 

“Wanna have supper with us?” Dag asked, ripping Isak out of his thoughts. He looked at Even and at his watch. 

“What do you say?” Isak asked him, “What time is it?” 

“It’s five to seven, I guess that would be nice. Lucas will fall asleep in the car anyway, so it might be good for him to eat before we leave?” 

“Yeah, you’re right.” Isak turned his head to Dag “Yes, that would be nice, but please, let us help to set the table and prepare the food.”

Even laughed, “I can help with the food, and Isak can help setting the table”. Isak pushed his shoulder, but laughed. 

They all enjoyed the prolonged stay and the boys were thrilled to have some more time together. The conversation flew easily, and Isak felt that these people could easily become their friends. When they finally came home that evening, it was way past Lucas’ bedtime – he had of course fallen asleep in the car. Isak carried him up to his living room, skipping bathroom and toothbrush, pulled his clothes of and tucked him in. Leaning over to give him a goodnight kiss, Lucas opened his eyes – still half-asleep – but managed to put his arms around Isak’s neck and pulled him down for a hug. 

“Night dad. I love you.”

“Love you too, Lucas! Sleep tight!”


	14. The fourteenth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The week up to the big day  
> Lucas have some thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the nice comments on the chapters so far. 
> 
> I've not been able to feply to all of them so far, but I'll get to it.  
> It means a lot!
> 
> <3

The week up to Saturday took forever to get through. They went shopping with Lucas on Tuesday, got all the stuff they needed – and a lot more. There were far too much cute clothes and stuff at the stores for them to leave it behind. They bought some clothes, a couple of blankets, some toys, a beautiful picture Lucas wanted Mari to have in her room, and he also found a white rabbit – similar to the one she already had – ‘So she always has one, in case one is missing’. Isak smiled at him, and thought about Teddy who always followed Lucas. 

At Wednesday, they went to visit Mari again, and Isak cherished every second of the time they spent there. Emilie and Dag offered them to have all Mari’s stuff and they accepted it gratefully. There were a lot of cuddling, except from Lucas who only wanted to play with Fredrik this time. Isak held Mari tight to his chest and whispered into her ear how much he was looking forward to bringing her home with them. Even sat by his side in the sofa, and snuck his arm around his waist and pulled him in, placing his other hand over both Isak’s hand and Mari, and Isak again got this feeling of completeness. His life would now be complete; a husband which he loved more than life itself, a son who was their sun, their star, their everything and now a daughter who was the most beautiful and precious thing in the world. What else could Isak desire? 

At work Thursday and Friday Isak spent most of his time preparing for the paternity leave. He greeted the doctor who would take his job while he was on leave, and got him settled in. Friday morning they went to Anna’s office to get the papers they needed. It was a short meeting, only paper works and “good lucks”, and Isak was relieved that everything was ok.

His colleagues threw him a farewell-gathering Friday afternoon, and he got some presents – all to Mari of course. He was looking forward to the leave, spending so much time with Mari, but also spending more time with Lucas. He wouldn’t have to attend the after school program so much now – if he didn’t really want to – and he could bring his friends home more, and – the biggest bonus Isak thought – he got to see Even more, because Even would do much of his work from home just as he did when they got Lucas. Everybody was in a winning position Isak thought to himself while packing up his stuff at the office, ready to head home. 

At home, Lucas greeted Isak in the hall, stretching his arms up to him, and Isak lifted him up in his arms, giving him a big hug. The smell of dinner hit him as he walked through the hall, with Lucas in his arms. Even if he could feel a bit nervous because of the day to come, he also felt kind of calm and ready. Ready to face their new life as a family of four. He greeted Even with a kiss when he entered the kitchen, and Lucas rolled his eyes as usual. Isak put him down and ruffled his hair and smiled.

“We’ve made lasagne,” Lucas said, knowing it was one of Isak’s favourites. 

“Sounds delicious!” Isak smiled, and started setting the table “Wanna help me?” he asked Lucas. 

“Sure, but can I get my guitar first, I wanna play something for you!”

“Go ahead!” Isak said, and Lucas went upstairs to his room, as Isak snuck over to Even, wrapping his arms around his waist and rubbed his face in Evens back, sniffing in the smell of him. “You ready for tomorrow, baby?” 

Even turned around and held Isak in his arms “As ready as I can be, nervous, happy, anxious… Lots of feelings. I don’t really know how to wait for tomorrow.” 

“I’ve got an idea of how we can make the time fly” Isak whispered to Evens ear, licked his earlobe, and kissed his neck down from the ear and to his collarbone. 

“Oh, I bet you do!” Even laughed, pushing him slightly away. “You’d better wait till Lucas has gone to sleep” 

“Oh, I will. But not a minute longer” he pulled out of Evens arms as he heard Lucas steps down the stairs. 

“Hey there, sweetie” he said to Lucas “Want to play the song now, before we eat?”

“Yeah,” Lucas said, “I’ve been practising with dad after school. I hope you like it!”

“I’m sure I will” Isak said, and sat down with Lucas and he started playing. 

It was – of course – the song he’d practised with Even earlier that week, and now he played it with both compassion and honesty and Isak felt the words punch him in his stomach. It was beautiful, flawless and Lucas’ voice was so smooth and clear, and he didn’t hesitate on one chord or one tone. Isak was amazed, and looked at him with tears in his eyes as he finished. 

“That was… that was… that was amazing, Luc.” Isak couldn’t stop smiling. 

“You liked it?” Lucas asked, smiling shyly. 

“Liked it? You might make me love Ed Sheeran if you keep playing like that!”

Lucas smiled a tiny smile, but all of a sudden a worrying glance went over his face. He put his guitar down, walked over to Isak, climbed into his lap, put his arms around Isak’s neck and held him tight, and Isak could feel the little body shiver. 

“Hey sweetie, what happened now? What’s wrong?”

Lucas pushed his head even tighter to Isak’s neck and Isak could feel the little body still shiver, slightly more. He shook his head as to say that he didn’t want to talk, Isak put one of his arms tight around his back and stroke his back with the other one. 

“Luc? What’s wrong. You know you can talk to dad and me about everything?”

“It’s just…” Lucas started whispering, and Isak didn’t say anything, just kept stroking his back as to give him time to speak. Isak looked up at Even who stood by the countertop and watched them, worry in his eyes.

After a little while, Lucas spoke again, “It’s just that…. When Mari gets here… what if… what if…” he went silent again, and Even came over to them, sat down on his knees beside them and put one arm on Lucas head and run his fingers through his hair. 

Lucas drew his breath and spoke rapidly: “Whatifhermothersaysshewantstohaveherback?”

Isak looked up at Even and Evens hand stopped ruffling in Lucas’ hair. Isak put both his hands on Lucas’ chins and made him look up. 

“Lucas. That won’t happen. Mari’s mother don’t want Mari back. She wants someone to adopt her, and dad and I want to do that.”

“Oh” Lucas said, but there was no smile on his face. “Adopt her – like she’s going to stay forever?” 

“We really hope so.” Even said and smiled. 

The reaction wasn’t what neither Isak nor Even expected. Isak saw tears filling up in Lucas eyes, and suddenly he teared himself out of Isak’s lap and jumped down on the floor and run upstairs to his room. 

Even looked at him, eyes crinkling as he shook his head. “Didn’t see that one coming?”

“No, out of the blue. We’d better follow him and get him to talk.” Isak said rubbing his face with his hands. It was hard sometimes, understanding an eight-year-old’s thoughts. 

“Yeah,” Even said, getting on his feet, and they walked upstairs. Isak could hear Lucas sobbing from his room. The door wasn’t closed, so they just walked in. Lucas laid on the bed, facing the wall with his back towards them. Isak could see that he was holding Teddy in a firm grip, burying his face into the worn fur. Even sat down on his knees beside the bed and Isak sat down on the bed, carefully rubbing Lucas’ back. 

“Hey sweetie. What’s going on in your little head now?” Even spoke, low and loving. 

There was no reaction. Lucas just held his Teddy even tighter. 

“Lucas, you know we can’t help you if you don’t speak to us?” Isak pleaded. 

“I was first,” Lucas mumbled. “It’s not fair.”

Isak looked at Even, and something started to clear the picture in his head – about the reaction of Lucas. 

“What do you mean sweetie?”

Lucas turned around in his bed, his eyes were red from crying and his face had traces of tears all over. 

“It’s not fair that she’s going to be adopted first, I came to you first!” he yelled at them, he rarely did, but it was clear that this upset him a lot. He was devastated and hurt. 

Isak felt his face drop, and his heart hurt because of the devastation in Lucas eyes. He looked at Even as for him to speak, and he did. He put his hand on Lucas cheek and caressed it with his thumb before he rinsed his voice. 

“Hey Luc. Mari being adopted by us doesn’t mean that we love or want you to be our son any less than before. It’s just the laws that makes it possible to adopt her and impossible to adopt you just now. However, I swear, the minute we get to know that we can adopt you, we will and you will become Lucas Bech Næsheim. If you want to.”

Lucas just started at him, and the devastation and anger turned into a small, hopeful smile in his eyes.

“You sure?”

“I’ve never been so sure of anything in my whole life, Luc. Except for marrying your dad.”

Lucas crawled over, reached for Even, and he took him in his lap, hugged him and held him. Isak smiled and thought that they should have seen that one coming. Lucas had said many times that he wanted to be named Bech Næsheim too, and he’d said numerous times that they were his dads and he was their son. However, he didn’t think that talking about adopting Mari would make him feel that way. There were certainly many things too learn when they got two children, and jealousy apparently was one of them. The signs, the outburst, the anger and the frustration. They’d better get used to it, Isak thought.

Isak leaned over and ruffled Lucas hair. “We love you so much, Luc, and that will never change because of Mari moving in tomorrow or ten other kids is moving in with us later. We’ll always love you as much as we do now and maybe even more. Promise!” Isak leaned in and hugged him too.

They stayed like that for a while, Lucas in the middle and both Even and him holding him, until his stomach started to growl.

“Hey, I’m kind of starving now. Can we please go downstairs and eat that lasagne you and dad has made?”

Lucas looked up at him and smiled “I’m kind of starving too. I’ll race you downstairs!” He spun out of their embrace and run downstairs, reached the kitchen long before they got on their feet. Isak smiled, and put his arms around Evens waist and mumbled into his neck:

“That’s the first jealousy-outburst we’ve got, but I’m sure it won’t be the last.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. But we nailed that one, didn’t we?”

“You did,” Isak whispered, “You’re probably the master of dealing with jealous brothers.” He smiled and Even leaned down and kissed him. 

“Of course I am!”


	15. The fifteenth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saturday morning - laughs and conversations.

Saturday came, and Isak woke early, but not earlier than Even who was staring at him when he opened his eyes. 

“Have you been watching me sleep again?” Isak smiled at him, struggling to hold his eyes open.

“Of course. You’re so beautiful when you sleep. So relaxed, perfect, with a little drool on your cheek.”

Isak wiped his cheek and pushed Even’s shoulder “I’m not drooling in my sleep, thank you very much!”

Even just laughed, and pulled him into his chest and held his arms tight on his back “Oh, yes you are! But it’s cute, adoring and perfect.”

Isak hid his head into Even’s chest and giggled, “At least I don’t snore.” 

“You wish” Even said, kissing his hair, his cheek, his nose, his lips, letting his arms wander down Isak’s back and under the waistline of his boxers to cup his ass. “Hmm… wonder if…”

“Even, stop. I don’t think we’ve got time for that now. Besides, after last night, I don’t think I can…”

“Oh, you’re getting old? Don’t manage two times in 12 hours?”

“Shut up! Remember last Saturday?” Isak smiled at the thought, “It’s just that I’m a bit sore after last night..”

“Oh, my poor boy,” Even buried his head in Isak’s hair. “Causing you so much pain,” he giggled, and Isak giggled too, it wasn’t like he complained about the pain. It had been amazing; he just didn’t think he’d manage just now. “I don’t need to fuck you; you’re more than welcome to….” Even got interrupted by a loud “bang” and the sound of footsteps outside their room and a thump on the door. Even pulled his hand out of Isak’s boxer as the door opened and a very awake and excited Lucas came into their room. 

“Dad? Dad? You have to wake up. It’s Saturday. We’re going to bring Mari home today. Wake up, wake up!” 

“Hey there sweetie!” Isak smiled, covering his lower body with the duvet “Yes, we’re going to bring Mari home today. Excited?”

“Yes!” Lucas smiled, and crawled into their bed, placing himself between them and snuggled into Evens chest. “I just want to lay here for a bit first; it’s so warm, safe, nice and comfy in your bed.”

“It is,” Even smiled “and even nicer when you’re here.”

“Really?” Lucas looked at him and smiled. 

“Really.” Even put his arms around him and pulled him into his chest, and Lucas sighed. 

“It will be different, won’t it?” Lucas asked silent.

“What do you mean?” Isak moved closer and put his arm around both Lucas and Even. 

“When Mari gets here. It will be different.”

“I suppose so,” Isak said “In a good way I think, don’t you?”

“I guess” Lucas sighed, “It’s just going to be a bit strange too.”

“What do you mean?” Isak heard Even’s voice being a little bit worried. 

Lucas turned around in bed, facing Even. “When she lives her,” Lucas hesitated a bit and drew his breath “She’s so little, and needs help to everything, you will be busy taking care of her, and I have to be a big boy all the time. I…”

“Hey, Luc, please listen,” Even smiled a tiny smile “You are eight, no-one expect you to be a big boy all the time. You can sit in our laps, cuddle on the couch, come into our bed and sleep with us whenever you need to, get hugs and kisses, hold our hands when we walk outside, get help with whatever you need us to help you with.” Isak nodded along when Even spoke. 

“Mari moving in will make a lot of things different, but it would never change the fact that you are our wonderful boy, and we will be here for you whenever you need us. Always.” Isak run his fingers through Lucas’ hair, and it soothed him, as always. “And we love you very much. Don’t forget that?”

Lucas turned around again and looked at Isak. “I won’t. But everything is going to change, isn’t it?”

“A lot of things will change, but changes aren’t always bad. It can be really nice too. You moving in with us turned the world up-side-down for dad and me, but it was the best change in our lives.” Even said, caressing his cheek. “And Mari moving here will probably be that too. For all of us.”

Lucas turned around again and watched Even while he spoke. He smiled and nodded. And when Even was done speaking he crawled closer again and put his arms around Evens neck and hugged him. “She’s really cute isn’t she?”

“Yes, she is. Just as cute as you are!” Isak smiled, knew that Lucas hated they calling him cute. He turned around abruptly and looked stern at Isak.

“I’m NOT cute!” 

“Yes you are” Even teased, and Lucas turned his head to Even.

“No, I’m not! Girls are cute. Boys are handsome!”

“Oh, then you’re very handsome!” Isak giggled, and couldn’t help himself, he just had to tickle Lucas a bit after teasing him, and it started a tickle-fight in the bed who turned into three boys laughing and fighting in bed until Isak surrendered under the two others

“Please, please! I surrender. I’ll never, ever tickle you again!!” he screamed and laughed while Even held him down and Lucas tickled him. 

“You’re lying, dad! I know it. You’ll have to pay – you started!” Lucas laughed and laughed and did NOT stop tickling Isak, Isak twisted himself out of Evens grip and jumped out of the bed, run downstairs and into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and couldn’t stop laughing. He could hear Even and Lucas coming down the stairs, still giggling and laughing, heading towards the bathroom. They stumbled through the door, both almost in tears because they’d laughed so hard. Isak looked pleading on them, raising his arms over his head, “Please, no more tickling. We’ve got to get ready!”

“Ok, but you have to admit; you started!” Even still couldn’t stop laughing, and Isak thought it was the most beautiful sight he could have; Even laughing. 

“Yeah, dad. You started!” Lucas could barely speak because of the big grin on his face. 

“Ok, ok. I started. But please! No more. My stomach hurts!” he was almost out of breath.

Even came over and put his arms around his waist – still giggling; “Poor you,” the tone in his voice was quite ironic, but the touch wasn’t, and Isak leaned into him. 

“I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in weeks.” Isak giggled. “Lucas, wanna hit the shower first?”

“Sure, dad.”He stepped out of his boxer and walked into the shower. 

Isak turned around in Evens arms and whispered, smile still on his face, but a serious tone in his voice; “Changes…” 

“Yeah,” Even whispered back “changes.” He drew his breath and whispered again “We have to keep a close eye on him, I can’t stand the thought of him thinking that we want him any less because of Mari.”

“Me neither” Isak whispered back. “Good thing the exams at UNI are over for now, so you can work more from home and be here with us.”

“Yeah. The upcoming weeks will be easy, not many lectures and the rest I can do from home. I think I’ve only got early lectures Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays.” 

“Good.” Isak continued to whisper. “We’ll manage, won’t we?”

“As always.” Even whispered “together….”

“Hey dad?” Lucas’ voice interrupted them, and Isak realized that the sound of the shower was gone.

They both turned around and answered simultaneously “yes?”

Lucas giggled at them and continued, “I’m done. Can one of you please pass me a towel?”

“Sure” Isak stepped out of Evens arms grabbed a towel, held it out, Lucas walked into it, Isak wrapped it around him, sat down on his knees and rubbed him dry. 

“Dad?” Lucas said quietly, and Isak hummed in response. “Why don’t Mari’s mother want to have her?”

Isak stopped his movements and looked to Even, but he had already walked into the shower and turned it on and wasn’t able to help him answer.

“Ehm… You know, Lucas. I don’t really know.”

“Is she sick in her head…. Eh……like my mum?”

“No, I don’t think so. She’s using drugs and she don’t want to stop doing that, and then she can’t take care of Mari, and won’t take care of Mari.” Isak wasn’t sure how much to tell him, but thought; honesty – always the best. 

“Oh” Lucas said, looked at Isak, sat down in his lap and put his head against Isak’s chest. Isak thought maybe he wanted to talk about his mum, but he didn’t. “Why does she want to use drugs instead of being with Mari?”

“I don’t know, Luc. Do you know what drugs are?”

“Yeah, we’ve talked about it in school. It makes you dull and if you get advicted you just have to have more.”

“Addicted,” Isak corrected him “and yes, that’s right, it makes you dull. But it’s not the only thing. When you get addicted to some drugs, it will become the most important thing in your life, all you think of is getting more drugs. And then you can’t take care of neither yourself nor a kid.”

“I’m never going to use drugs!” Lucas stated. 

“I sure hope you never will. It’s dangerous. It damages both your body and your brain.”

“Then why do some people do it?” 

“Oh, it’s a lot of reasons. Someone uses drugs to escape from reality, someone uses drugs because they’re in pain and some of the drugs takes their pain away, and others uses it because of other reasons.”

Lucas lifted his head, looked at him, and smiled. “I’m glad you and dad don’t use drugs!”

Isak smiled, thinking of their youth when he and Even had smoked weed more than once, and he was happy that they’d stopped that too, and he was certainly not going to tell Lucas about it. “Me too, Lucas. Me too!” He wrapped his arms tighter around the little boy. 

“Hey, no hugs for me?  Again?” Evens voice sounded from above as he stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel.

“Nah, not now. It’s ‘Lucas and dad’-time now” Isak smiled at him, Even rolled his eyes as he wrapped the towel around his waist – a shame Isak thought – and walked over to the drawer to get some clothes. 

“You’d better get dressed, Luc. We can make dad breakfast while he’s in the shower.” Even smiled, and nodded towards the shower to get Isak on his feet.

“Sure” Lucas said, got up, walked to his drawer and picked out some clothes. Isak got on his feet, pulled of his clothes and got in the shower. He could see Lucas was still thinking about what they’d talked about, but he also saw a tiny smile on his face. That was all he needed, both his boys to smile this important day. The thought about they getting Mari home to day had been away for some minutes, but now it struck him again. At the end of this day, they would be a family of four. Four. His heart jumped a beat as the water hit his head, and he smiled too. 


	16. The sixteenth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big day is finaly here. 
> 
>  
> 
> Part 1

When they pulled in to the parking lot outside Emilie and Dag’s house, Even felt his heart beat hard in his chest. He was both happy, nervous, eager, scared and excited all at once. The drive there had been in silence. He’d noticed Isak’s leg bumping up and down, and had tried to sooth him by putting his hand on Isak’s thigh, but it didn’t help much. Isak had looked at him and smiled several times, and he recognized the same feelings in Isak’s fac as he had himself. Even Lucas had been silence for the whole ride, something that was rare. He always chatted.

They got out of the car and Even opened the back-door and checked the base for the seat they’d bought for Mari one last time.

“You sure we’ve put it in right?” he asked Isak. “You sure it’s safe?”

“Hey, baby,” Isak put his arm on Even’s shoulder “We’ve checked it at least ten times, and you even got both Jonas and Sana to check it, and they’ve confirmed that it’s installed correctly.” He took the seat off it’s base and held out for him to take it, and Even did.

“Yeah, just nervous, sorry!”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m nervous too. But we’re going to be fine.” Lucas came up to them and snuck his hand into Even’s free hand, and grabbed Isak’s too. “We’re three handsome boys; we’ll manage a cute little girl, don’t we?” Isak looked at both of them and Even couldn’t do anything but laugh at Isak’s words and leaned into a kiss, Lucas of course rolled his eyes and said impatiently “Are we going inside, or are you two going to stay out here kissing?”

“We’re going inside” Even giggled, and pulled Lucas’ hand. Together they walked up to the house and rang the doorbell. Fredrik opened the door.

“Hey, Lucas! Hey Even, hey Isak! Lucas, wanna play a bit before you go?”

“Sure!” Lucas said, and went inside before Even managed to say anything. The boys left them in the hallway, Even put the car seat down and got his coat and shoes of before Emilie greeted them.

“Hey! Nice to see you again. All good?”

“Nice to see you too, we’re good,” Isak said “we’re a bit nervous, but I guess that’s normal.”

“Imagine a father in the delivery room in the hospital – you’re not that nervous, I’ll assure you. I was a complete mess when our oldest were born!” Dag’s voice came from inside, after some seconds he appeared in the doorway with Mari in his arms. In that moment, all of Even’s nervousness just disappeared and he knew that this would be an amazing journey. That little girl was going to be – no she was – their daughter, and they should take her home with them. Today.  

“Oh, there you are!” Isak burst out and walked towards Dag, and Even could see he was both proud and excited at the same time. “Our little girl,” he reached his arms out to get her, and Dag was about to hand her but hesitated a bit and said to Mari with a little grin;

“Hey, Mari. Your dad wants you now. It’s been nice having you around, but your dads are so eager to get you, that I don’t dare to push it.”

Even grinned widely, and so did Isak, taking Mari in his arms and just looked at her. Even got beside him and carefully caressed her cheek and looked into her pale blue eyes. They were wide open, as she understood what was happening, even if he knew that she didn’t. He placed a kiss on Isak’s chin, bent down and placed one on Mari’s forehead too, and whispered; “You ready to come home with us today, sweetie? We’re so excited for you coming home with us.” She lifted her hand while he spoke and touched his cheek with her tiny fingertips, and he couldn’t help himself but grin even wider.

“You wanna have a coffee before we start loading your car with Mari’s stuff?” Emilie asked, and Even managed to rip himself out of his little bubble with Mari and Isak.

“Yes, that would be very nice!” Even answered and Isak nodded too, Even could see that he wasn’t able to speak, his eyes were watery, and he was busy swallowing a lump that must have gotten caught in his throat. Even rubbed his back and smiled at him, didn’t need to speak. Knew that Isak had to get through this rush of emotions by himself. They walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. Dag put down a mug of coffee for each of them and sat down too.

“So, this is the change of your lives?” he smiled and looked at Isak and Even first, and then at Emilie.

Even looked at Isak, and his eyes pleaded him to answer.

“Yeah it certainly is. It’s all set at home, it’s just the fathering-thing for a baby we’re worried about.” He grinned.

“You’ll nail it, I’m sure. Lucas is a handsome, polite, nice and clever boy, so why shouldn’t you manage it once more?”

“Oh, thank you,” Even smiled “I don’t know. It’s just the fact that she’s so little. However, as you’ve told us several times; most people being parents for the first time and manages very well. We’ll manage, even if we might be a bit tens and anxious.”

“Sure you will. As I said before, you should have seen me when we got our oldest. A wreck.” He laughed “And he turned out quite well.”

“That’s a relief,” Even said smiling at him, and putting his arm around Isak’s shoulders. “What do you say, Is?”

“I can’t say anything right now” he said, his voice was tick, and tears was filling his eyes. “I’m just so fucking happy!” he whispered to him.

“You can’t swear in front of her, Is!” Even bumped his shoulder, smiling, “and I’m happy to. So happy!”

Both Emilie and Dag smiled at them, and Dag shook his head; “You look just like me the first time I held my son, Isak. When he was born, I wasn’t able to speak for an hour. Emilie here had to tear him out of my arms to feed him. I was totally gone!” Dag smiled to Emilie who nodded.

“He was all gone, but he came through it and Kristian got both food and new diapers eventually,” she laughed. “You see, he wasn’t just gone, he was clueless too. Didn’t know how to change a diaper nor to dress an infant. So you see you’re way ahead of him!”

Dag smiled at them, and Even felt reassured, again, and grateful for the new friendship they were developing with this wonderful family. He really hoped that they would stay in touch, not being just polite words and phrases. He thought a bit, and then he just jumped in.

“Would it be awkward if I asked you to come to ours for dinner Saturday in two weeks?”

Isak managed to tear his eyes from Mari and looked at him, and Even was for a minute worried that he’d overstepped, but then Isak smiled at him and nodded.

“Oh, that would be very nice” Emilie said “to see Mari again, for the boys to play, and of course to see you too!”

“Yeah, thank you,” Dag said “We’ll be happy to come to yours.”

Even smiled, and sighed. He hadn’t misread them, they wanted to stay in touch.

The conversation went smoothly over the coffee, and he and Isak switched holding Mari. When she started to wiggle and make some sounds, Isak was the one who held her, and he asked, a bit uncertain:

“She’s getting hungry, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, probably” Emilie said.

“Can I make her a bottle?” Isak asked, and Emilie smiled

“Of course you can. Want me to join you?”

“It’s your kitchen, so please, but I want to make it myself, if that’s ok with you?”

“Certainly. I’ll find the formula, and you’ll manage just fine!” she smiled.

Isak let Even have Mari and followed Emilie into the kitchen, and Even looked at Mari. She whined a bit and Even rocked her in his arms.”Shhh, sweetie. Dad’s making you a bottle now. He’ll soon be her. Shhh….” He lifted her a bit and placed a kiss on her forehead. She smelled so good, she was so beautiful, their little daughter.

“She tend to be a bit whiny both when she’s hungry and tired.” Dag smiled at them.

“Fits perfectly in the family.” Even grinned “Both Lucas and Isak get grumpy when hungry. And tired.” Dag smiled at him and nodded. Even rocked Mari and peppered her face with small kisses.

“You’ve been together for how long?” Dag suddenly asked out of the blue.

“Isak and I? Since he was 17 and I was 19, so yes, 15 years.”

“I can tell. You fit.” Dag looked at him and smiled.

“Thank you. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s never been any doubt in our minds. It’s us.”

“Kind of like Emilie and I. We’ve been together since highschool too. Never a doubt.”

“But you’re a bit older than us? No offence.” Even smiled, a bit nervous because of what he just said.

“Non taken, and yes, I’m 44 and Emilie’s 43. We got Kristian kind of early, but doesn’t regret it a bit.”

“Who could regret getting a kid?” Even asked, couldn’t understand people who did, but he knew there was. Looked down at Mari and thought he would never ever regret to get either her nor Lucas. Not ever.

“You’d be surprised” Dag smiled at him “But I see your point.”

“Your husband now is officially approved as a milk-maker, Even.” Emilie smiled as she and Isak walked into the living room. Isak looked at him and grinned, and Even couldn’t help himself, but giggled;

“I bet he’s the master of making milk” he tried to wink at Isak, and Isak laughed.

“Of course I am,” he sat down beside Even, and patted his shoulders. “You’re married to the master of many things, I thought you knew that.”

Even just laughed at him, and thought of all the things Isak had said he was master of during the years, but this time he probably was right!

When Mari had finished the bottle, Even looked at Isak he nodded -  it was time to leave.

“She probably needs a new diaper before we get in the car. I can get Lucas, if you want to take her to the bathroom?” he asked Isak. And Isak nodded, took her and went off with Dag. Even got on his feet, walked over to Fredrik’s room, and knocked the door. The boys shouted “yes” simultaneous and Even opened the door.

“Hey Lucas? We’re about to pack up and leave now.”

“OH, dad. Not now! We’re in the middle of a big accident here.”

“You can play a bit more while we pack the car, but it’s only going to be about 10 minutes.”

“Ok” Lucas bowed his head, and Even sensed that he wasn’t happy about them leaving.

“Luc, you know what. We’ve invited Fredrik and his parents over for dinner in two weeks. What do you think about that?”

“Oh, that’s awesome!” Lucas raised his head again and grinned wide, and Fredrik’s face turned into a big wide smile to. “Then we can play in my room, Fredrik. And you get to see where I live!”

“Great!” Fredrik said. “In two weeks?” he asked Even.

“Yes. Not next Saturday, but the one after!”

“Oh, can’t wait.” He said, and the boy played along, ignoring Even totally, and he didn’t mind. Not at all. He walked out to Emilie again, she was carrying Mari’s stuff from their bedroom, and it wasn’t just a few items. There were two big bags, loaded with clothes, some bottles and formula milk in a bag, there were a bag of diapers, soothers, cloths, and on top of it, Emilie put her duvet, pillow and the white rabbit.    


“It might be wise if you let her have the duvet and pillow she’s used to the first days. It will smell familiar, and she will easier settle in her new bed. We can have those and the empty bags back when we come to you. We might need it if we get another infant in care.” Emilie explained. “And her rabbit also is very important.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” Even said, “Even Lucas noticed that. He insisted to buy her another one, so she always would have one if one went missing.”

“He’s such a good kid, your Lucas.”

“Yeah he is.” Even smiled, as he heard footsteps behind him.

“Hey dad, you sure we have room for all of it in our car?” Lucas nodded to the pile of stuff on the floor.

“I hope so. Or else you have to sit on the roof on our way home!” Even smiled at him and Lucas eyes widened and a grin came on his face.

“Can I?”

“No, of course you can’t sit on the roof,” Even giggled and ruffled his hair “We’ll get the stuff in our trunk. No worries. You and Mari will be in the back seat, all buckled up.”

“Oh” Lucas grinned “Would have been fun though!”

“I bet it would. But sorry, laws and stuff, you know.” Even patted his shoulder. “Please, help me carry this stuff out?”

“Sure, I can take the beddings and the rabbit. Should I put it in the backseat beside her car seat?”

“Yeah, that would be fine. Thanks Luc.” Even looked at the boy picking up the duvet, pillow and the rabbit, folding it together, the rabbit safe inside as he held it tight to his chest. “I’ll get the door for you. Just hold on a sec when you get out and I’ll come with you and unlock the car.”

Lucas walked out and Even followed him with one bag on each shoulder, unlocking the car and dumped the heavy bags in the trunk. He opened the back door for Lucas, and Lucas climbed in and lay the duvet, pillow, rabbit neatly between his own and Mari’s car seat. The rabbit on top, “That way I can easily give it to her if she needs it when we drive” he said, and smiled to Even.

“You’re such a nice big brother, Lucas.” Even said and pulled Lucas in for a hug, and Lucas put his arms around his legs, didn’t reach him more than up to his waist, but it didn’t seem to  bother Lucas, who leaned into him.

“I just want her to feel as safe as you and dad always make me feel” he mumbled into Even’s body, and Even wasn’t sure that he was supposed to hear those words, but he did, and they went straight to his heart.

“Thank you Lucas,” he whispered, couldn’t say anything else because his throat was too thick and he knew he would start to cry if he said anything else right now. The smallest things made him cry these days, but he guessed it was the process and all the emotions it made. He’d noticed Isak was in that kind of state too. His beautiful husband, now changing their daughter’s diapers and dressed her to come home with them. With their amazing son. Even sighed, closed his eyes, ruffled Lucas hair, lifted him up in his arms to hug him – placing a kiss on his cheek – and mumbled another “thank you” – not to anyone specific – just to this universe.


	17. The seventeenth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally at home.

Even parked the car in their driveway and Isak heard Lucas unbuckling in the backseat, soon his head appeared between their seats and he whispered:

“Mari’s asleep. She’s been sleeping for about ten minutes.”

Isak turned his head and couldn’t help smiling, raised his hand and caressed his cheek,

“It’s fine, Luc. We just carry her in her seat and carefully move her over to her cradle in the living room. Just don’t slam the door when you get out of the car!” 

Liv and Anders had been over with Even’s old cradle and they decided that it could be in the living room or in the office slash guestroom so she could sleep downstairs during the day and just sleep in her bed in their bedroom at nights. It was Liv that suggested to make a difference between day-naps and nights at once. They thought it sounded sensible, so they went for it. 

“I won’t. Want me to carry her duvet and stuff?”

“Yes, please!”

They got out of the car; all three of them, and Isak carefully loosened the seat from the base and carried Mari into their house. It was a strange feeling putting the seat on the floor. It was for real. She was theirs, and should live with them and they were going to be – no, they were – her fathers, they were her family and she was going to stay. Lucas was quick to put her duvet and pillow in the cradle, and Isak carefully loosened Mari from her seatbelt, carried her over, put her down in the cradle, carefully undressed her from her outdoor clothes and put the duvet over her. Lucas was on his knees on the side of the cradle, tucked her rabbit beside her head and started rocking the cradle when she moved a bit. He looked up at Isak, stars and love in his eyes and Isak ruffled his hair, whispering: 

“Do you mind watching her while I help dad carry the rest of the stuff from the car?” 

Lucas shook his head, smiled and whispered back:“I’ll watch her” and Isak walked out to the car again and got one of the bags from Even. 

“Did she wake up?” Even asked.

“No, still sleeping. Lucas is watching her; he’s on his knees beside the cradle. I took her out of the car seat, undressed her and put her down in it.”

Even smiled; “Perfect.” 

They walked inside and dumped the bags in the hall, kicked of their shoes, hung their jackets up and walked into the living room, but stopped in the middle of the floor, just watched Lucas and Mari. Lucas was still on the floor, one of his arms hanging over the edge of the cradle, his fingers carefully caressing her forehead just as they used to do to him when he was having trouble sleeping. He hummed a song, Isak didn’t hear any words, but he knew the tune. It was one of the songs they had sung to him when he came to them, Isak didn’t know he remembered it anymore, but he obviously did. He looked up at Even and Even looked at him and back at Lucas and Mari again. The colour in his eyes were so intense blue – Isak wasn’t sure he’d seen his eyes so blue for a long time. It was as if they were full of everything. Happiness, love, fondness, devotion, every good feelings that wonderful man could contain. Isak grabbed his hand and squeezed it, and Even looked at him again and Isak could see the tears filling up his eyes while he smiled. Even let go of his hand and instead put both his arms around Isak’s waist from behind and held him tight, putting his head on his shoulder and sighed, and Isak could feel he did it with a big smile on his face. 

“What have I done to deserve this?” he whispered so Lucas wouldn’t hear it. “I’m so fucking happy right now; I don’t know what to do with myself.”

Isak tilted his head back and whispered back in Even’s ear, “You deserve all the happiness in the world, Ev. Because you’re the best person I know, the best dad, the best boyfriend, the best teacher, the best husband, the best lover, simply the best!” Isak whispered back, put his hands over Even’s and their hands rested together on Isak’s stomach. 

“I can say all that to you too, except for the teacher – have to say doctor – but thank you, Is.”

“No, thank you!” Isak said, and tilted his head for a kiss, which he got. 

Lucas eventually looked up at them and smiled “She’s still asleep. I stroke her forehead with my fingers, because that’s what you do when I can’t sleep, and I thought maybe she would like that, being moved to a strange house and a strange cradle and all. Maybe she felt that she knew me and then she was safe?” he drew his breath “was it ok?”

Isak stepped forward and got down on his knees beside Lucas, giving him a hug “That’s more than ok, Luc. It’s fantastic. I’m so proud of you, we’re so proud of you. All you said is right, and you know what? That song you hummed was the song dad and I used to sing to you when you came to us. We did sing that song from the first day you lived here, before you started to speak to us. And you still remember.”

Lucas looked at him with a surprised face; “I didn’t know it was that song. The tune just came in to my head. I really thought I just made up a new song,” he smiled, and again it struck Isak what the subconsciousness could both hide and bring out. 

“Oh, I’m sorry to disappoint you, Luc, but that was our first and our favourite song to sing to you, because you settled down by it, from the day you came her. It made you relax, calm down, feel safe and fall asleep.” Even had also sat down on his knees beside Isak, Lucas and the cradle. 

“What are the words?” Lucas asked. 

Isak looked at Even and smiled; “The words we song aren’t the exact same as the words for the original song, we changed it a bit, but not much. It goes like this in our version.” Isak turned to Even “Wanna help me sing, please?”

Even smiled at him “Of course”

Daddy's home  
Now you can open your door  
Don` be afraid now, not anymore  
Daddy's Home  
I`ve brought only for you  
Strawberry coated with honeydew   
  
Only you and I can sing this song as no-one knows  
Listen to each little word carefully  
And before you come running quickly to the door  
Be sure the only one you open to is me   
  
Daddy's home  
Now you can open your door  
Don` be afraid now, not anymore

Lucas looked at them, at Mari and back at them again. He didn’t say a word. It looked like he was playing a film of some distant memories in his head and he smiled.

“In the original song it says mommy, but we thought daddy soothed us better” Even said quietly. 

“Who’s song is it?” Lucas asked – not the question Isak had expected. 

“It’s from the musical Rock’n’Roll Wolf.” Even said. “It’s an old musical. It used to be on TV for Christmas when I was a kid. I loved it, and especially that song, I used to sing it in bed when I was sad or mad or felt bad.” 

Lucas smiled “Did it make you feel better?”

“Every time.” Even smiled at him.

“Can we watch it sometime?” 

“The film? Sure, if I can find it.”

Lucas seemed to get lost in his thoughts again; he climbed up in Isak’s lap and curled himself together to a ball. “Why don’t I remember the song?” 

“You did remember it, Luc. You hummed it for Mari when we came in.”

“Yeah, but I mean, why don’t I remember the words?”

“I don’t really know. However, after you’d been here for about half a year, you wanted to choose the songs for us to sing, and you didn’t choose that song. But we did sing it – or maybe we just hummed it, I really can’t remember – to you when you had nightmares or when you couldn’t sleep for other reasons.”

“It comforted me?”

“Always” Isak smiled and kissed his hair and held him tight. 

“But boys,” Even said after a little while, barley being able to tear his eyes away from Mari. “We’ve got lots of stuff to unpack, we’d better start and maybe we get it all sorted out before Mari wakes?”

“Yeah, dad’s right Luc,” Isak sighed. “we’d better get on our feet. Would you mind unpacking the bag with the soothers, cloths, bottles, diapers and that stuff in the kitchen and bathroom, dad and I will take the clothes to her bedroom?”

“Sure” Lucas said, grabbed the bag and walked out of the living room. 

Isak got on his feet and smiled. It felt so good, having Mari here, sleeping in their living room and she was going to stay. Until she was all grown up. Even was on his feet too and grabbed the bags, handing one of them over to him and walked towards the stairs; “You coming?” 

“Yeah” he sighed, barely able to let Mari out of his sight. He walked upstairs with the bag and dumped it in her room. There were so many clothes, different sizes and functions. He sorted them and put them in the drawers that soothed the size. There were some winter clothes too and he asked Even to put them in the wardrobe in the hall while he sorted the rest of the clothes. When Even had walked down and he heard that he was in the hall, Isak snuck down after him and walked silently into the living room. He just had to watch Mari a bit. What if she was awake and they couldn’t hear her? He couldn’t bare that thought. 

He stood by the cradle a little while, watched her sleep, and when he turned around to go upstairs again, he bumped straight into Even. “Oh, I just thought I heard…” he didn’t manage to say anything else because of the widest grin on Evens face.

“You’re getting me and Lucas to do the job while you sneak down to watch her?” he whispered

“No, I just… I thought….” Isak could feel he was flushing because Even was right. It was exactly what he’d done. Not planned it, but done it. 

“Isak, it’s fine. I was about to do the same thing myself, and when I got downstairs with the winter clothes, I saw Lucas sneaking out here too. We’re so gone for her all three of us!”

“I guess…. And you’re right.” Isak drew his breath, smiled, “If you’re done with the winter clothes in the hall, you can stay here and I’ll go upstairs and sort out the rest. OK? I can’t calm down knowing she is here all by herself.”

“I can stay here.” Even said, pulling him into his chest and gave him a soft kiss. Isak leaned into him and sighed. Even pushed him slightly away and grinned “You won’t get the clothes sorted out if you stay here. Now, shush!” 

Isak smiled when he walked upstairs to her bedroom. She would probably not sleep there for a while; Isak couldn’t possibly put her down to sleep in a big room all by herself. They had placed her bed in their bedroom, on his side of the bed, as he would be the one to get up at nights. 

However, her bedroom was full of clothes and other babystuff, and toys. She already had so many toys. They had toys from Jonas and Eva, from Yousef and Sana, from his colleagues at work, from Even’s colleagues, and even some of Lucas old toys were there. Isak shook his head a bit and started  to pick the last clothes out of the bag from Emilie and Dag. Those last clothes probably would fit right now, so Isak grabbed a basked and decided to take it down to the bathroom and put it in the drawer under the changing table. Easy access. 

When he walked downstairs with the basked under his arm, he could hear Evens low voice from their living room. He was singing – no humming – and when Isak peaked in, he saw that Mari was in his arms. He swayed her back and forth; she was probably awake but all silent in Even’s large, safe arms. Isak smiled and walked into the bathroom whit the clothes. He found Lucas on the floor, clearly upset with something, and with cloths, towels and diapers all around him. 

“Hey, what happened?” Isak asked. 

“I was trying to get it all into one drawer, but then it just exploded and all went on the floor.” Lucas was clearly irritated and frustrated, and all of a sudden, Isak remembered that they hadn’t had lunch yet, and Lucas tended to get grumpy when hungry.

“It exploded?” Isak asked “Big bang?”

“Dad! Not funny!”

“Yes, it is.” Isak smiled and put his hand on Lucas shoulder “Look, Luc. Put all the diapers in this basket.” Isak handed him the basket after he emptied it on the changing table, and he started placing the clothes into the drawers. “And we put the towels back in the cabinet, and all those cloths, we put in this.” Isak smiled at Lucas, showed him another basked he had on a shelf, and he started picking up the towels. “Should we have something to eat now Luc? I think we’ve forgotten all about eating today.”

“Yeah, I’m really hungry.” Lucas said putting the last cloth into the basket while Isak took the last towel. 

“Well come on then!” Isak said, grabbing Lucas’ shoulders with both his hands and squeezed them a bit. “What do you want?” 

“Nutella-sandwich?” Lucas grinned. 

“Nice try, but you got one for breakfast.” Isak smiled. 

“Come on dad! Please!”

“No-oh” Isak shook his head, “Sorry, no special treatment because of your first day as a big brother – at least not with a Nutella sandwich.”

“Then what?”

“What what?”

“What special treatment? You said no special treatment with a Nutella sandwich, and it sounded like I would get something else?” 

“How about a kiss?” Isak grinned. 

“That’s not special, that’s ordinary” Lucas rolled his eyes. 

“Then you’ll have to wait and see, but what do you want for lunch?” 

“Ham and cheese sandwich. Can I have hot coco too? Please?”

“Sure. Can you get me milk, ham and cheese from the fridge, and go ask dad what he wants? Please?” Isak suddenly remembered that Even hadn’t eaten since that morning either, and it was past two. Was it going to be like this, they would forget to eat? It was jeopardizing with Evens bipolar; he knew it. Not that one day without regular meals would have any affect, but if it was the standard and not the exceptions, it could. Regular meals, sleep and medications was the most important thing. He hadn’t had an manic episode in years, sure he’d got hypomanic a couple of times, but no full manic episode, and no heavy depression. 

IIsak made sandwich and hot coco while his thoughts driftet. He didn’t know what he really feared the most. - manic episode or  depression. When Even was manic he was so happy, beaming and full of energy and he had that wonderful bright smile on his face all the time, it was beautiful but also scary. The scary part was not knowing what he would do. He had to be close to him all the time. Following every step, prevent him from doing stuff he didn’t see the consequences of, prevent him from acting like he was invulnerable, keeping him safe. And being that close wouldn’t be easy with two children to take care of.

Then it was the depression. When he just laid there. At least Isak knew where he was, but it was a battle. Get him to eat, drink, to stop thinking all those bad thoughts. It hurt when he turned away, didn’t want Isak, didn’t want him to kiss, hug, touch. Didn’t want him in the same room, didn’t even want him in his life. And what about the kids? 

Isak shook it off; didn’t want those thoughts to get in the way of the pure happiness he’d felt just some moments ago. They had to manage it. They always did, didn’t they? As he put Lucas ham and cheese-sandwich on a plate and poured coco in a cup, his family came in to the kitchen, Even with Mari in his arms. 

“She’s awake, dad!” Lucas beamed. 

“I can see that,” he walked over and kissed the little head tucked between Evens arm and chest, raised his head, smiled to Even, brushed some hairs from his forehead and stroke his cheek; “You have to eat something, Ev. What do you want?” 

“Oh, yeah. I’ve forgot all about lunch today. Can I have a ham and cheese-sandwich too? And a coffee would be great!” 

Isak smiled to himself, made two more ham and cheese sandwiches, two cups of coffee, and placed it on the table. He then remembered that Mari probably was getting hungry too, and he switched on the water boiler and got a bottle out. Measured up the formula, poured both water and formula in the bottle, shook it, put it in a mug of cold water and placed it on the table in front of Even. 

“The master of formula milk” Even smiled at him. “Thank you!”

“You’d better watch and learn!” Isak smiled back as he tugged into the sandwich. He was hungry, and he could see that both Lucas and Even had been too, because they were both almost done. “Want another one?” he asked. Lucas shook his head. 

“Do you mind making me one more?” Even smiled at him as Isak was about to get on his feet, and Isak heard Even whisper to Mari: “Do you think your wonderful dad would make dad another sandwich? I bet he does, because he’s the best man in the whole world, and he’s the best dad, and when he gets here with the sandwich I’m gonna give him a big kiss….”

“Dad!” Lucas voice came from across the table “Please!”

“What?” Even startled and Isak couldn’t help but giggle a bit, his back turned to them so Lucas wouldn't see his face.

“It’s just…”

“What?” Even giggled. “It’s the kissing?”

“Yeah.”

“It embarrasses you?” 

“Kind of.”

“You said earlier it didn’t. What happened?”

“I don’t know. It just does. Sometimes.”

“Ok. But I can’t stop kissing dad, and I don’t think he can stop kissing me either, or at least I hope not. And I can’t stop kissing you or Mari either, kiss you good night, good morning, good bye… I just can’t.”

“Yeah, I know and I don’t want you to stop either. But maybe not all the time and maybe you don’t have to talk about it?”

“Talk about kissing dad?” Even asked smiling, “I can do that. As long as I can kiss him, and you can roll your eyes as much as you want to, but I’m not stopping!”

Lucas smiled at him and looked down on his hands; “It’s ok, dad.” He walked over and put his arms around Evens neck and hugged him and Even was about to place a kiss on his temple, but Lucas managed to hold up his hand first; “Don’t even think about it. It’s not morning, night or goodbye now!”

Isak couldn’t help himself but laugh, and Lucas turned his head towards him. “It goes for you too dad!” Isak still laughed and nodded. “I get it, Luc. No worries, I get it!” Bent down and hugged him. Lucas walked around Evens back and bent over Mari and place a big, wet kiss on her forehead “But you, you will get a lot of kisses, that’s for sure!” he giggled, and looked up at both Isak and Even and the biggest grin spread on his face. Isak found him irresistible cute, but couldn’t help but act a bit offended;

“So this is how it’s gonna be? She gets all the kisses but not dad and me?”

“She’s a lot cuter than you too.” Lucas giggled and walked passed them. “I’ll be in my room playing with my Lego,” and he was out of the room. 

Isak looked at Even and laughed; “I hate to say it, but he’s right. She’s a lot cuter than the both of us.”

“Yeah, but then again, according to Lucas boys aren’t cute. They are handsome. And still, you’re the most handsome man in the world.”

“Nah, doubt it. I know another man who has that title.”

“Oh you do?”

“Oh, yes.” Isak said and kissed Even tenderly before he put his sandwich down on the table. “But you got to eat; I can give this little princess her bottle.” He took Mari from Evens arms, sat down, and put the bottle to her mouth and she immediate opened up and started to suck on the teat. He looked at her, eyes wide open, her mouth and tongue working to get the milk out, her tiny, cute sounds when she swallowed, her arms and legs moving a bit and again, her eyes. Pale blue, beautiful, big, pale blue. Her little nose, ears, cheeks. She was perfect. Just like the rest of his family. Perfect. 


	18. The eighteenth step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks after Mari moved home with Even, Isak and Lucas. 
> 
> Emilie, Dag and Fredrik come over for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I thought I would end this fic with the eighteenth chapter, but then I changed my mind. Because of some very nice comments from you. <3
> 
> I don't know how many chapters there will be, but at least two more after this one. :-)

Two weeks later, their house looked like the mess they’d expected it to look like with a soon to be nine year old boy, a six week old baby, two fathers who was so overwhelmed and happy about their kids that cleaning and tidying wasn’t a task they had on their top priority. In addition; Christmas was coming up in three weeks, and there were traces of newly bought and made decorations, presents and other handcrafts all over. Still, Emilie, Dan and Fredrik were coming over to dinner despite the chaos. Even was out shopping for groceries, Lucas was in his room, he’d been asked to tidy it a bit before Fredrik came, Isak just hoped he was doing what he was supposed to do and not playing. 

The two weeks after Mari came to them had been like a dream. They’d established good routines and Mari was a kid who slept a lot, ate her food and loved cuddling. She was more than happy to sleep in their laps, and they were more than happy to let her. ‘You’re spoiling her’ their friends said. Isak just shook his head; spoiling a six-week-old baby wasn’t possible. She needed to be close to someone. Being comforted, being held, being rocked. And it wasn’t like she didn’t sleep in her cradle or bed. She did that too. She didn’t sleep through the night, but she was satisfied with a bottle twice a night and went back to sleep, so they couldn’t complain, not even Isak complained (that much) about being up at nights feeding her, but of course, he was tired some days. Some of the days more tired than the others. So far, Even hadn’t needed to get up at nights either and Isak was happy about it. 

He walked around in their living room and picked up this and that, tried to make the house at least a little presentable before their guests arrived. Mari was fast asleep in the cradle, just being fed and changed. He heard Lucas coming up from behind, 

“Dad?” his voice was weak, and he could hear the shiver in it.

“Yeah?” Isak turned around, and looking at Lucas, he knew something was up; he had that uncertain, nervous look in his eyes.

“Mari is staying, isn’t she?” Isak saw the tears forming in his eyes.

“Huh?” Isak didn’t get it at once, the question was so out of the blue, but Lucas’ concern was for real, a tear slipped his eye and run down his cheek.

“Mari? She’s not leaving with Emilie and Dag?”

Isak sat down on the floor, at the spot he just had been standing, pulling Lucas down on his lap. 

“Lucas, sweetie. Mari isnt’t leaving with Emilie and Dag or anyone else. Mari lives here. Mari is our daughter, your sister, and she’s staying here, this is her home. Her home with us. Emilie and Dag are coming over just to visit us, have dinner, for you to play with Fredrik and to pick up the empty bags we brought Mari’s stuff in.”

“Oh” Lucas sighed and Isak brushed his tear away with his thumb. 

“Why did you think Mari was going to leave?” Isak carded his fingers through Lucas’ way to long hair. They all loved it. The dark hair curled around his face, and the curls were the same shape as Isak’s, the haircut – or the lack it – made them look a bit alike. Isak liked it, Lucas looking a bit like him. It was just the colour that was different from him, Lucas dark and Isak blond. 

“I just heard you and dad talking. And you said that you had to remember to give them Mari’s pillow and duvet.”

“Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry you got worried. Remember when Mari came here? We got the duvet and pillow with us, but it wasn’t for us to keep. It was for Mari to have some familiar smells to be tucked into when she came here. The first days. Babies need that, but now, all the smells here are familiar to her. Even your bed is a place she loves to cuddle into, so Emilie and Dag can have their stuff back. In case they get another little baby into their care.”

Lucas nodded, and Isak could see his brain was working fast. 

“I was so scared she was leaving.” Lucas’ voice cracked and his eyes were full of water again, and he pushed his head into the crock of Isak’s neck and Isak could feel his shirt being wet. Isak held him tight to his chest and rubbed his back.

“I’m so sorry you’ve been scared. For how long have you been thinking about this?”

“Since I heard you and dad talk about it yesterday.”

“Oh, sweetie. Why didn’t you ask yesterday?”

“I didn’t dare to. I was afraid what the answer would be. But when I was about to tidy my room, I found her second white rabbit in my bed, and I had to ask.”

“Luc, listen to me.” Isak’s voice shivered a bit too now, thinking about how scared Lucas must have been, “Mari’s staying here with us. With you, dad and me until you’re all grown up. Ok? No-one is going to take her – or you – away from us as long as you don’t want it yourself, when you’re grown up that is. In your thirties or something.” 

The last sentence made Lucas grin. 

“Emilie, Dag and Fredrik are our friends, and they’re coming over for dinner, just like when Jonas or Sana and their families come over. Ok?”

“Ok” Lucas whispered, curled himself into Isak’s lap and let Isak hold him tight. “I love you, dad. And Mari too. I love her. And dad.”

“And I love you, Luc. So much.” Isak kissed the top of his head, and smiled “Sorry about the kiss, I know it’s not morning, night or good bye, I just had to.”

“It’s ok, dad.” Lucas curled himself even tighter to Isak’s chest. 

After sitting there for a while, Lucas started untangling himself from Isak’s embrace and he looked up and smiled, “I’m so excited to see Fredrik again. I hope he’ll like my Lego.”

“I’m sure he will. Are you done tidying your room?”

“Almost…” 

“Almost? Like almost done or almost started?” Isak smiled at him, and Lucas grinned back, 

“Like in between those.”

“Then you’d better get upstairs and finish your job.” Isak gave him one more hug and pushed him of his chest while Lucas giggled. “And when you’re done, you’re more than welcome to help me down here.”

Lucas looked at him; “It’s not like it’s a five minute job upstairs, dad.”

“Oh, I know Luc. I know," and he smiled and maybe he rolled his eyes too. 

Lucas jumped out of his lap and headed upstairs, and Isak continued tidying the living room, the hallway and the kitchen. He was heading for the bathroom when he heard the sound of the front door opening. He turned around, walked to the hallway, and greeted his husband with a kiss.

“Hey, got everything you need? MasterChef.”

“I think so.” Even smiled “I like the MasterChef-title. Maybe I should get one of those aprons they use.”

“Maybe you should. And maybe you should wear just the apron when you cook? Not tonight though, but another night, when the kid’s are at mum and dads?”

“Maybe I should?” Even grinned widely, leaned in and kissed him lovingly and deep, and Isak regretted what he’d said immediately, because he could feel the tingling in his stomach and a starting boner in his pants, and that was not what he needed now. Even probably sensed it, and giggled “I’ll take care of that tonight after the kids are asleep.” He leaned in and kissed him again, and Isak blushed – of all things – he blushed in front of the man who had been his for 15 years. “You’re so cute when blush” Even chuckled, grabbed the grocery bags and walked into the kitchen. 

When the doorbell rang, the whole house smelled of Evens homemade lasagne, and Mari was awake in Isak’s arms as he walked to open the front door, but he didn’t make it there before Lucas came running from behind, slipped by his side and opened the door. 

“Hi!” he grinned, looking at Fredrik who grinned just as wide. 

“Hi, Lucas!” Emilie said, “Nice to see you too.”

“Yeah, you to” he answered hasty, “Fredrik, wanna come and play in my room. I’ve made a Lego village”

“Sure!” Fredrik answered and the boys were off immediately, Fredrik handing his jacket over to Dag and his shoes were kicked off as he walked past Isak and into their house. 

“Boys!” Isak giggled, “Nice to see you again, come in and welcome to the house of chaos!” Isak leaned in and gave Emilie and Dag a hug each, careful because he still had Mari in his arms. He showed them into their hall, and further to their living room. 

“So, how’s things going?” Dag smiled, stroke Mari on her cheek and patted Isak’s shoulder. 

“Awesome!” Isak said. “It’s just awesome. We’re not managing the “tidy house” thing, but we’re doing well on the father-thing….”

Dag laughed; “Sounds pretty normal to me!” 

Even came into the living room, greeted them too, showed them into the kitchen, and got them to sit down. 

“Oh, this might be the greatest kitchen I’ve ever been in!” Emilie sighed, when she sat by their table. “The space, the countertops, the decorations, the windows and did I mention the space?” she smiled. “Maybe we have to renovate, Dag?” 

“Yeah, we love it!” Even said. “It’s our best room, we’re using it for all purposes, - dinnerparties, homework, work, handcraft, playing, and we’ve even put up a tent and camped here with Lucas. He was five.”

Dag looked at him and smiled. “And this table, it’s huge and just…. Awesome.”

“I know. Dad – I mean Evens dad – got it for us. It’s just perfect to the kitchen and house.” Isak looked at Emilie and saw her brows furrow when he’d said ‘dad – I mean Evens dad’. 

“You call Evens dad, dad?”

Isak hesitated, “Yes, I don’t.. I mean….” He took a deep breath, “I have not seen or talked to my own parents in 15 years. Have no desire to either see them or talk to them ever again. So yes, I call Even’s parents mum and dad.”

Dag looked at him thoroughly, and a little smile came in his eyes. “It’s amazing how our lives are equal.” He drew his breath “I haven’t talked to my parents either, for twenty-four years actually. I broke with their religions rules and they banned me. I was in love with Emilie and that was not what my father had planned. They had picked a girl for me to marry, and I refused. Ran away with Emilie. And at that moment I was no son of theirs.”

Isak felt a knot building in his stomach, but the hand – Evens – that landed on his shoulder made it loosen up again, “My parents didn’t tolerate me being gay and living with Even.” Isak said, looking at Even and Even put his arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer. 

“Religion?” Dag asked. 

“Yeah. Religion.”Isak nodded. “It’s not that I’ve anything against religion – my best bud is religious – but when religion judge people for who they love…. I just don’t get their God in that religion.”

“I agree” Dag said, smiling at him, turning his head towards Emilie “Maybe I should start calling your parents mum and dad?” 

Emilie laughed “Mum would have loved it, dad would have fainted”, she put her hand on his hand and squeezed it. “But this got very emotional; can I please hold your little princess? She’s grown so much this past two weeks, I hardly recognize her.”

“Yeah, she’s gained a lot of weigh and actually grown one and a half inches.” Even smiled as Isak handed Mari over to Emilie. 

About two hours later, they still were at the kitchen table, but now with a cup of coffee each and Mari fast asleep in the cradle. The boys were in Lucas’ room again, playing, never being tired of Lego. 

“So how’s Lucas coping with the ‘big brother’-thing?” Emilie asked “jealous?”

“No, we’ve not noticed anything yet.” Even looked at Isak that shook his head in agreement to what Even said “He’s very good with her, very patient, very loving and worries all the time. It’s like we have to tell him that she’s our responsibility, and not his. Then again, his carefulness for her is kind of touching too.”

“He’s a very good kid,” Dag smiled. 

“He is. But very uncertain, and he’s a thinker. He thinks a bit too much. You know, he actually asked me if you were going to take Mari home with you today, because Even and I had talked about giving back the duvet and pillow. He was devastated, but almost didn’t dare to ask.” Isak said sad. 

“Oh, that must have been so awful for him to believe. So scared.”

“Yeah, I had to have a really good talk before he was confident in her staying. At least he’s not dreading that he has to leave anymore. He did for about a year after the autumn he was supposed to go back to his mother.” Emilie and Dag nodded; Isak and Even had told them that story earlier.

“Has he been seeing her lately?” Emilie asked. “His mother I mean.”

“He visited her the Saturday before we were asked to take Mari into foster care. So about five weeks ago. However, his mother don’t want to see him again now. She’s told the child services and the staff in the hospital she lives that she don’t want him to come over again.” Isak continued. 

“Wow.” Dag said. “That’s a tough one. Does he know?”

“No, not yet.” Even said. “We probably have to tell him, but it’s difficult. He doesn’t really want to be with her, but then again she is his mother, and he’s struggling with that thought too. It’s just difficult.”

“I agree. Sometimes I’m just glad Fredrik’s parents isn’t in his life, but then again, they probably should be.” Dag said. “Like, they’re his parents, and he probably should know about them.”

“Yeah, know what you mean.” Even sighed. 

Emilie sighed too; “Despite the difficulties of being a foster parent, it’s very good to have you guys to talk to. I didn’t know I needed it and missed it. Thank you very much for inviting us over and let us get to know each other even better.”

“No, thank you!” Isak smiled back. “We’re really appreciate your company too!”

Isak was about to continue, but were interrupted by a cry from the cradle in the living room, and Even got on his feet in a second. 

“I’ll say your reaction is quite impressing” Dag grinned as Even left the room.

Even grinned when he came back with Mari in his arms; “We’re kind of fighting for her yet”. Isak watched him and he couldn’t really get enough of the sight of Even with their daughter in his arms. He shushed her, kissed her forehead, rocked her and she went silent. 

“She’s probably getting hungry soon,” Isak said. “I can make her a bottle; maybe you could bath her and get her into her nighties?” 

Even looked at the little girl and whispered, “You want to take a bath, won’t you. You still love to bath?” 

“Can I join you?” Emilie asked Even, and he nodded. 

Isak looked at Dag when Even and Emilie had left for the bathrom; “The boys should probably have something to eat too. It’s been a while since the lasagne. Lucas probably wants oatmeal – he fucking loves that shit.”

“You’re kidding me?” Dag burst out, laughing.

“What?”

“Lucas loves oatmeal? Fredrik too. I hate it, makes me wanna puke.” 

Isak laughed, “You’re kidding me? But yes, he loves oatmeal. Especially Evens, but mine is accepted now, after some years of practising.”

“Fredrik loves mine; I wouldn’t mind making it if you show me where to find stuff.”

“Oh, be my guest. Even’s the chef around here, I’m just good with formula milk and sandwiches. And coco!” Isak grinned widely before he turned on the water boiler on, and showed Dag where to find the ingredients. He then walked upstairs to get the boys, knocked on Lucas’ door.

“COME IN!” their voices sounded and Isak opened the door and looked into Lucas’ room. There were Lego on the floor, in the bed, on the desk, on the nightstand and Isak was sure that if he’d opened the doors to his closet, it would be Lego in there too. But that’s not all; Lucas was seated on a stool on top of his desk, with one of Even’s snapback and one of his own (or Even’s) white t-shirts. Fredrik’s on a stool on the bed (wiggly, but he managed to maintain balance) with one of his own snapback and one of Even’s red t-shirts. The t-shirts being so big for the boys, they looked like dresses. 

“Hi dad! We’re playing.”

Isak defeated a chuckle “I can see that. May I ask what you’re playing?”

“We’re having a Lego disaster here, and I’m the great doctor who can heal everyone’s wounds and Fredrik is the superhero who takes all the bad guys!” Lucas said, dead serious. 

“A superhero with my snapback and Even’s t-shirt?”

“How do you know it’s dad’s t-shirt?” Lucas asked “You always wear each other’s clothes anyway.” 

“Because I bought it for him.” Isak smiled. “Like the doctor’s outfit though. Maybe I should start wearing snapback in surgery when I go back to work.” 

“You’re not allowed, dad. Seriously.” Lucas rolled his eyes. 

“I know. Would have been nice though! But boys, Dag’s making you some oatmeal; you’d better tidy some of that Lego and come down.”

“Yesssss!!” Both the boys yelled, “Oatmeal!” They jumped down from their stools and started collecting Lego. 

Isak shook his head, smiled and walked out of there and downstairs to Dag again. When he entered the kitchen, he could smell the oatmeal, and he smiled. 

“Two boys really excited for oatmeal coming down soon.” He said, and started preparing the bottle for Mari. 

“I bet they are. Did they still play with Lego?”

“Yeah, Fredrik was on a stool in the bed, wearing one of Even’s t-shirts and my snapback, being a superhero, and Lucas was on stool on his desk, wearing a t-shirt of mine and one of Even’s snapbacks and was a famous doctor who could heal all wounds in the world.”

Dag laughed, “sounds awesome.” He drew his breath “Do you think Lucas would like to come to ours and stay until tomorrow?”

“Like a sleep over?” Isak asked, thinking about if or if not Lucas would be comfortable with that. 

“Yes, only if he wants. Fredrik asked us in the car, and I promised him I’d talk to you first. I know he’s got some agony about staying away from you, but I had to ask.”

“Yeah, he’s not slept away from us except at mum and dads – sorry, Even’s mum and dad’s – since the autumn he was supposed to move to his mum.”

“Don’t apologize for calling your in-laws mum and dad, Isak. I wish I’d been that brave too. And about Lucas, I understand.”

“Feel free to ask him. But I can’t tell you what the answer will be.”

“That’s ok. Fredrik gets it. And so do we.” Dag smiled and put a hand on his shoulder “Fredrik’s not stayed over at anyone else that Emilie’s parents either.”

They heard the boys laughing and talking as they came down the stair, and when they entered the kitchen, they were still dressed in the “superhero”- and “doctor”-outfit. 

“Hey, I smell oatmeal” Lucas grinned, “It smells like dads!”

“Oh, I take that as a compliment” Dag said, “Your dad told me you’re picky on the oatmeal.”

“Yeah, but that’s because dad makes the best in the world.”

“It’s confusing when you call them both dad, Lucas.” Fredrik interrupted “I don’t know who you’re talking about sometimes.” 

“It’s daddy Even that makes the best oatmeal. Daddy Isak…” Lucas grinned at Isak “isn’t a very good cook.” 

Isak laughed and ruffled Lucas’ hair. “That’s actually quite correct, and I’m not offended by it. Now take seat boys, and eat!”

They sat down, got a bowl each, and ate. Even came into the kitchen with a bathed and dressed Mari, and Isak took her out of his arms and kissed her. 

“So, princess. Wanna have some delicious milk?” She looked at him, and he could swear that she smiled. “She smiled,” he said. “She actually smiled at me. She can do that now, can’t she?” 

Emilie nodded, “She can”. 

Isak sighed and sat down with the baby in his arms, gave her the bottle and smiled. Even sat down beside him and caressed her cheek. Isak leaned into him and whispered, “They’re going to ask Lucas if he wants to come to them for a sleepover tonight. I said it was ok to ask, but couldn’t guarantee the answer to be yes.” 

Even nodded as he spoke, turned his head and smiled. “We’ll just have to see.” Isak leaned in and whispered again “You think it’s ok?” Even put his arm around his shoulder, pulled him a bit closer, and whispered back “Yeah. Probably won’t sleep tonight if he says yes, but I’m ok with it” he smiled and Isak got a kiss on his cheek. 

“DAD!” Lucas said with a firm and a bit loud voice.

“What?” Even startled, and Isak knew right away that it was Even Lucas was speaking to.

“DON’T!!” 

“What?” Even giggled and Isak smiled widely, knew that it was Even’s kiss he meant. 

“You know what, dad.” Lucas mumbled, looking into his oatmeal, as it was something very, very interesting 

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Even laughed and let go of Isak’s shoulder. 

“How did you know it was you Lucas spoke to?” Fredrik asked, “He just said ‘dad’.” 

“Yeah, he did, but I know because of the tone in his voice. Isak does too. We hardly get it wrong.” 

“It confuses me” Fredrik smiled. 

“I understand, but it works for us” Isak smiled at him, and Fredrik nodded. 

The boys continued eating their food while their parents chatted about this and that, and when they were done, had put their dishes in the dishwasher, Fredrik asked the question to Lucas. 

“Hey Lucas. Would you like to come home with us, and stay until tomorrow?”

Lucas froze as the question popped, and Isak saw his face change colour from roses in his cheeks to almost white, with a tone of grey, his eyes flicked from Fredrik to Even to Fredrik and they landed on him. Dag was the saviour:

“You don’t have to if you don’t want. Fredrik just wanted to ask you if you would like to. And it’s ok if you don’t, you can come around another time, and maybe not for a sleepover, but just for a visit?”

Lucas sighed, took the steps over to Even, pushed himself in between his thighs and Even lifted him up in his lap.

“I’m not that good at sleepovers,” Lucas whispered, and a tear fell down his cheek. Even put his arms around him and held him. “But I would like to try it. Some other time.”

“It’s fine, Lucas.” Fredrik said. “I’m not good at sleepovers either. Haven’t slept over at anyone else then granny and nonn.”

“Nonn?” Lucas asked. 

“Grandpa – I call him ‘nonn’, because he always hum when he’s walking around the house and he hums like ‘nonn-nonn-nonn’.”

Lucas smiled a bit and looked at Fredrik. “I’m sorry, Fredrik, but I don’t think I want to sleep over at yours tonight.”

“It’s ok Lucas. We can do it some other time. Ok?”

“And you can sleep here some other time too? Right dad?” Isak nodded, he just knew the question was at him, even if he was in Even’s lap.

“I think I can do that if you can sleep at mine.” Fredrik said, and looked at Dag who nodded at him, looking proud at Fredrik for being brave. 

“We’ll arrange that later, boys. But I think we have to head home now” Emilie said, “It’s been a really nice afternoon and evening, and I hope we can see you again, really soon.”

“Maybe you guys can come over one of the days after Christmas Eve?” Dag asked. 

“We’d love to,” Even smiled, “We’ve got no plans other than Christmas Eve with mum and dad.”

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll text you!” Dag said and got on his feet, and Emilie and Fredrik followed. 

“I’m sorry I can’t see you out, but this little princesse is still eating” Isak said smiling at them. “But thank you so much for coming over, nice company and chats. Really appreciate it.”

Emilie leaned down to him and gave him a hug “Thank you, Isak. It’s been wonderful!” Dag gave him a hug too, and Fredrik came up to him, looked at him and asked quietly; 

“Can I give Mari a hug?” 

“Sure you can” Isak said, and Fredrik leaned over and carefully hugged the little head. When he lifted his head, he looked at Isak and gave him a hug too. “Thank you,” he whispered into Isak’s ear, and even if Isak didn’t know exactly what he thanked him for, he whispered “You’re welcome, and thank you for being Lucas’ friend already” back to him, and he saw the widest smile spread on Fredrik’s face as he walked after his parent, Even and Lucas down the hall. 

When Isak walked into Lucas bedroom later that evening, it was actually kind of tidy, and Lucas was tucked under his duvet with a book in his hand, reading. 

“Hey there big boy, what are you reading?” 

“Fantastic facts about the universe” Lucas said, not tearing his eyes away from the book. 

“Oh, sounds nice. Can I read with you?” Lucas nodded and shuffled into the wall so Isak got space beside him. 

Isak read a bit, and they talked a bit about the facts and about what they thought about it and how exciting it was. Finally Isak put the book down, and looked at Lucas and asked

“Had a nice day?”

“Yeah. It was awesome. I had the best time with Fredrik. I think maybe he’s my best friend after Marcus and Kerim.”

“You know you can have several best friends?”

“Yeah, I know. Like you have Jonas, Sana and Eva?” 

“Yeah, and dad’s got Yousef, Mikael and Mutta.” 

“You and dad were lucky that your best friends got married,” Lucas said. 

“You think?”

“Yeah, in that way you don’t have to choose between who to visit first or second.”

Isak giggled at that; “You’re right.” He card his fingers through Lucas’s hair, and his eyes started to get heavy. “Ready to sleep, Luc?” 

“I think so. It’s just… I just… “

“Yes?”

“Do you think I’m a coward who didn’t want to go with Fredrik today?”

Isak drew his breath and smiled “No, I think you were very brave who said ‘no’ to something you didn’t want to. I hope you do that every time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to.”

“But I really wanted to, but I didn’t dare.” 

“Still, it was brave”

“Sure?”

“Sure.”

“Ok. Can you please stay until I sleep?”

“Of course” Isak said, stroking his fingers over Lucas’ forehead and humming a tune he’d hummed a hundreds of times before, and they both fell asleep. 

Isak had no idea of how long he’d slept beside Lucas when he felt a big warm hand touching his shoulder, and a familiar breath in his ear whispering; 

“Isak, Isak, come to bed with me, please,” and he got a kiss on his cheek.

Isak turned around, looked into Even’s eyes, and smiled. “Hey, what a nice view. I’ll come.”

He struggled to get out of the bed, careful to not wake Lucas and padded over the floor behind Even, slipped out of his clothes, leaving them on the floor where he stood and dumped into bed with him. 

“What time is it?” Isak whispered when he was tucked into Evens side, head on his chest and Evens hand carding through his hair. 

“Not more than 22.10.”

“Oh, wonderful. Mari won’t wake for a couple of hours. I can sleep on you until then. I really do love you, you know.”

“So I’ve been told” he could hear Evens smile in the words. “I guess what I promised you earlier are off?”

“Sorry!” Isak kissed Evens chest “I’m so tired. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, Is. Please. Don’t be sorry. You’re up twice a night, you’ve been up every night for the last two weeks, it’s ok. It’s more than ok. I love you, and I feel bad for not being up at nights.”

“Don’t you dare start a discussion about that! We agreed, I’m the one who gets up and you’re the one who sleeps at nights, you promised.”

“We agreed, and I’m not going to break my promise. However, tomorrow morning, you will stay in bed until I say you can get up. Ok? And YOU will sleep. Sleep. Promise?”

“But…”

“No but’s. Promise!” 

“Ok. I promise. Sleep, tomorrow morning. I promise.” Isak drifted off while Evens right hand carded through his hair, stroke his back, the left one drew pattern on his arm who was holding Even tight.

“I love you so fucking much, Is.” Even kissed his head and pulled him a bit closer “Sleep tight.”

“I love you too, Ev. And I’m sleeping” he mumbled “now” and fell asleep. 


	19. The nineteenth step - stumbling over obstacles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mari's sick and Even's manic. 
> 
> Isak's dealing with it and of course gets help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo....
> 
> This was supposed to just be a happy story about getting Mari in their family. However, thinking about it; getting a baby isn't just easy. It means waking up at nights, whiny baby, sick baby, lack of sleep, lack of routines and hard work, so I thought why don't make it even harder for the family. 
> 
> That said; I've no experience with dealing with bipolar disorder so don't give me a hard time about it. I've done some research on the topic, and I’ll try to not exaggerate. And please remember: this is a FIC.
> 
>  
> 
> <3

 

It was late February, Wednesday afternoon, and it had snowed all day long. Isak had picked Lucas up from school and they just had come home. Lucas’ clothes were soaking from playing out in the wet snow, he had roses in his cheeks from all the fresh, cold air and he just had changed into dry, warm clothes and sat by the kitchen table with his homework.

Mari had been whiny all day; actually, she’d been whiny and clingy for almost two weeks. Now she was coughing, runny nose, a tiny fever. Isak was taking her to the doctor tomorrow. He was for sure a doctor himself, but did want a second opinion on the cold he was certain she had. Beside he was a bit worried about her breath, she seemed to struggle a bit breathing when she slept. He didn’t like it at all. Therefore, it was the right thing to do, seeing a doctor.

She had also been waking up several times at nights the last week and a half, and Isak was tired. So fucking tired. Even had been awake with in the nights too, for over a week, and that was far too many more nights than Isak liked and he was worried about him too. In addition Even had started to get up real early for almost a week too, and Isak didn’t really know when he had gone to bed the last Nights either, because Isak had fallen asleep with Mari for days now. He actually didn't know if Even had slept at all.

Moreover, because Mari’s been sick and they’ve had their hands full with comforting her and making sure Lucas wouldn’t feel left out, Isak didn’t know if Even had eaten proper the last days. Not that he was supposed to watch him, but he couldn’t help himself thinking he should when things got like this. He was worried about both Even and he was worried about Mari, and didn’t know who to worry about the most. He put his head in his palms and felt as if he would start to cry, but Mari beat him. She cried loud from the cradle in the living room and he walked over and picked her up. She’d been sleeping for barley 15 minutes, and it was far from enough.

“Shhh, sweetie. I know you’re not well, but you should sleep sweetie. Sleep is good for you.” He felt tears slip down his cheeks.

“Dad?” Lucas was suddenly in front of him. “Why are you crying?”

“Hey Luc. I’m just so tired. Mari’s been awake for so many nights, I’m just so tired. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok dad.” Lucas smiled at him and patted his arm. “Want me to make her a bottle?”

“Oh, please do, Lucas. You know the routine.”

Isak sat down on their couch, looked at the watch on his phone, it was almost 4 and Even was supposed to be home. Over an hour ago, Maybe the snow made the tram late, he thought – hoped – but deep down he knew it wouldn’t be that late. Beside, Even would have noticed him. He was never late home without telling Isak. He might be late for other appointments and parties, but he was never late home.

When his phone buzzed, he knew it was Even,

**< 3 My handsome husband <3 15:53**

_“Hey handsome.”_

_“I’ll be late. Have a surprise for you.”_

_“I’ll be home by five, half past the latest”_

_“Love you”_

_“So much”_

_“Don’t worry”_

_“Please”_

 

Isak looked at the messages. They kept coming in.

 

_“It’s the best surprise.”_

_“You will love it.”_

_“Can’t wait to show it to you and Lucas.”_

_“And Mari of course, but she wouldn’t understand much of it anyway. But that doesn’t matter.”_

_“You and Lucas will love it”_

_“Hey handsomer!”_

_“Wanna give me a hint?”_

_“I love you so much, Is.”_

_“I can’t give you a hint because it will ruin the surprise, but you will love it. I’m sure you will because you’re the best."_

_"And you’re much handsomer than I am so you can’t call me handsomer.”_

 

Isak knew the signs. His heart started to beat. Fast. The late nights, up at nights, the way too early mornings, the sloppy meals. It had been years since the last time. It was what Isak had feared. He was sure Even had been spiralling now, and he hadn’t seen the signs. What a shitty husband he was.

 

_“Sweetie.”_

_“You sure you’re alright?”_

_“I feel real good, Is. Don’t worry.”_

_“I’m so excited about the surprise.”_

_“I’m coming home soon.”_

_“Ev, where are you?”_

_“I’m in Oslo of course, silly”_

_“I’m getting you a big surprise. She’s so cute.”_

_“Who’s cute?”_

_“The surprise of course.”_

_“Fuck, I shouldn’t have wrote that.”_

_“Forget about that”_

_“Ev, please, you’re worrying me now.”_

_“Please, just come home. I don’t need a surprise.”_

_“Please, Ev.”_

_“You don’t have to worry Is. It’s a great surprise. I’m coming home soon. I love you.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“I love Lucas.”_

_“I love Mari.”_

_“I love our life.”_

_“But most of all I love you.”_

_“You.”_

The tears run down Isak’s cheeks now. He was so tired and he was certain that Even was manic. He remembered the last time and it was the same. The messages poured in. However, what should he do now? He had two kids who needed him. And Even. His Even. What was he doing and where was he?

Lucas came into the living room with the bottle in a mug of cold water, stopped in the middle of the floor, staring at Isak who had been staring at his phone, but looked up at Lucas when he entered the living room,  while the tears run from his eyes. Mari still in his arm, whining a bit, but not much since Isak was unconsciously rocking her back and forth. Lucas mouth went open and his eyes were full of worry, but he started to walk slowly towards him when Isak looked up at him.

“Dad?” he whispered, sat down beside him “What’s wrong?”

Isak turned his head and looked at Lucas. Saw the worry in his face, felt so badly worrying the boy, but what could he do. Lucas knew about Even’s bipolar, they’d talked about it several times.

“I think dad’s manic” he whispered, looking at Lucas and saw his eyes widen.

“We should call grandma and grandpa” Lucas said and took the phone out of Isak’s hand, closing the messages and found Liv’s number. He pushed the call-icon and put the phone on speaker. Isak didn’t say a word, just nodded. Of course they should call them. He should have thought about that himself.

Liv answered quickly.

_“Hey, Isak.”_

“Hey grandma, it’s Lucas.”

_“Hey Luc. How nice of you to call.”_

_“_ Grandma, can you come over please. And grandpa too.” Lucas said while his voice shivered.

_“Luc? Is everything alright?”_

Isak drew his breath and managed to speak, his voice trembling.

“Hey mum, it’s actually not. I think Even’s manic, and Mari’s sick and I’m so…” he couldn’t finish the sentence before the lump in his throat became so big he couldn’t speak so Lucas spoke for him;

“Dad’s so tired, grandma, because Mari’s sick and been awake for several nights. Can you come over, please?”

_"Of course I can come over, sweetie."_

Isak rinsed his voice, took a deep breath, and actually managed to speak again.

_“_ Mum? Can you please ask dad to call Even, find out where he is, and pick him up? And if you can come over to watch Lucas and Mari, it would be awesome.”

_“I’m already in the driveway getting into the car, sweetie. Be there in 10, and I’ll call dad. Don’t worry, Isak.”_

“Mum? Please tell dad NOT to tell Even I’ve asked him to call.”

_“I know, Isak. Don’t worry. Dad knows what to do.”_

“Thank you _”_ Isak whispered and he hung up.

 

“I’m so sorry, Luc. You shouldn’t have to see me like this.”

“It’s ok, dad. It’s not bad to cry when you feel bad.” He drew his breath and looked at the phone “I think dad’s sent you more messages”

He had. 20 messages. Isak scrolled through them. It was Even praising him, promising him that he was ok, that the surprise was awesome and that he loved both him and the kids. Isak knew that he did, and he knew that Even being manic didn’t change those feelings, it just made Even feel it more and he had to say it all the time.

“Luc, when dad comes home, he might be acting a bit weird. He might say some strange things, and do strange things like walk around and talk and talk, but it’s his brain working on high speed. He wants to do and say everything at once, and we know that it’s not possible, but he don’t get it right now. It’s ok to be scared, but it’s not dangerous, he’s just… he’s just…

“He’s manic, dad. We’ve talked about it several times. I know.”

“Yeah, but you don’t know how he is, Luc”

“He’s dad.” Lucas said, firm, stared at him and caressed his cheek. Lucas comforted him, it should have been the other way around, but right now, it wasn’t.  

“Yeah. He’s dad.” Tears filled Isak’s eyes again and he looked at Lucas. “And he loves you so much, but right now he’s not able to contain his feelings, and it might be a bit scary, ok?”

“Ok.” Lucas said. “Will he crash?”                                                                                             

“Yeah.”

“When?”

“I don’t know, Luc. Sometimes after a day, sometimes after two days, sometimes….

“Ok” Lucas interrupted him and stroke Mari’s cheek, the girl had stopped whining in Isak’s arms, and was sucking on her hand. “Can I give Mari her bottle?”

“Sure you can, sweetie.” Isak put Mari in Lucas’ lap and gave the bottle to him and he started to feed her.  

“You see Mari, dad’s brain works too much sometimes and he gets all wired up and do strange stuff. But it’s not dangerous. He’s still dad and he loves us so much. We just have to take good care of him and dad.” Tears started running down Isak’s face again when he heard Lucas’ words. He could not believe that boy.

He looked at his phone who buzzed and buzzed and there were 15 new messages from Even.

 

**< 3 My handsome husband <3 (16:15)**

_“Isak?”_

_“Isak?”_

_“Please, answer Isak.”_

_“Are you mad at me for being late?”_

_“The surprise is great, I promise!”_

_“Sweetie?”_

_“I love you so much.”_

_“Please answer me, sweetie.”_

_“I want to make love to you tonight.”_

_“I want you to feel good.”_

_“I want you.”_

_“Isak?”_

_“Where are you? Please answer me, sweetie.”_

_“I’ll be home soon. Just waiting to pay for the surprise”_

_“You’ll love it.”_

_“Hi, sweetie.”_

_“I’m not mad at you. Just had to give Mari her bottle”_

_“I love you too.”_

_“So much”_

_“Mari, Mari, Mari. Our beautiful daughter, Is.”_

_“And Lucas, the best boy in the whole wide world.”_

_“I’m so lucky, Is. To have all three of you in my life.”_

_“I love you all so much!”_

_“And we love you so much too, Ev.”_

_“Please come home!”_

_“Where are you, by the way?”_

_“Please stop asking where I am, Is. I’m getting you a surprise”_

_“I’ll come home soon.”_

_“I just miss you”_

_“I just want to hug you.”_

Isak knew that the “miss-you” might do the trick. Maybe.

_“Oh, I miss you too, sweetie.”_

_“I’ll be home soon.”_

 

Isak knew the word ‘soon’ was not as ensuring as it should be. Soon for Even now could be 10 minutes, an hour, three hours… Isak leaned back in the couch, watching Lucas feeding Mari and he looked so calm. Such a good boy, we’re lucky, Isak thought.

His phone buzzed again, and again - seven times.

_“Is?”_

_“Dad called me.”_

_“I’m going to theirs with the surprise.”_

_“Dad thought it was a wonderful surprise.”_

_“He’s picking me up in 20 minutes.”_

_“And he’ll drive me home after we’ve had a coffee.”_

_“Ok?”_

 

Isak breathed out. Dad. Wonderful, helpful, dad. He apparently had managed to think more straight than Isak had, and talked him into being picked up. Thank god. Isak stared at his phone, and wrote his answer.

 

_“Sure, sweetie.”_

_“Say hello to dad from us.”_

_“Can’t wait to see you.”_

_“And the surprise.”_

_“You’re the best, Is!”_

_“Love.”_

_“You.”_

_“So.”_

_“Fucking.”_

_“Much.”_

 

He stared at the words. Could picture Even in his head now. Smiling, excited, his eyes sparkling with expectation, joy, excitement, his smile so wide it almost didn’t stop, his hands waving as he spoke, and he was probably speaking non stop. Isak wondered where he was. What the surprise was. He’d wrote “she”. Then it struck him – he had bought them a dog. Lucas had been talking about that since Christmas when he watched a film about a boy getting a dog. OK, a dog wasn’t the end of the world. He just hoped it was a dog, and not a snake or a tarantella or something creepy like that.

The doorbell rang,  he heard the key turn and the front door opening followed by Liv’s voice.

“Hello?”

Lucas turned his head to the hall, sighed and smiled, and Isak got on his feet. Eyes still sore from all the crying and lack of sleep, but he couldn’t care less.

“In here, mum.” He said. She walked in and embraced him and he wrapped his arms around her before the tears started falling again.

“Hey sweetie. It’s gonna be ok.”

“I know, I’m just scared and so, so tired.”

“I can see that. Why haven’t you told us before? Mari being sick and all, we could have come over and had Mari for a night and you could’ve had some sleep?”

“I don’t know.” Isak shook his head.

 

Liv sat down beside Lucas who still was feeding Mari, she was almost done with her bottle.

“Hey sweetie,” she hugged Lucas and kissed his head, and he looked up at her and smiled.

“Hey grandma. Dad’s manic,” he just said it as it was the most common thing in the world.

“I know, love. But he’s gonna be ok.”

“He’s gonna crash.”

“I know, but he’s still gonna be ok after that. He always is. We just have to take care of him. I’m so glad you called, Luc. Helping dad out.”

“Dad’s talked about it before. He said that we had to remember to call you if something happened.” Lucas looked at her and looked at Isak, and Isak remembered the conversation Lucas and Even had one evening in bed some months earlier. Lucas had asked what would happen. Even had told him, and said to him that calling Liv and Anders was important, because Isak and Lucas shouldn’t be dealing with it alone.

“It was the right thing to do.” Liv looked at Isak and smiled, “let me take care of Mari now, and you boys can relax.” Liv lifted Mari up in her arms and rocked her, smiled at her and talked to her, walked over to the bathroom, probably to change her and Isak sighed thankfully for the help.

 

“Oh, mum?” Isak got up and walked after her into the bathroom, leaning on the doorframe as he spoke.  “Dad’s taking Even home to yours. Even just sent me like ten messages about it. They apparently should have a coffee before coming over with the surprise. Have you talked to dad?”

“No, but that’s nice, Isak. Dad knows what to do.” Liv smiled at him.

“I know. I think Even’s bought a dog.”

“Oh, that’s not the worst he could do?” Liv looked at him, and a tiny smile was on her lips.

Isak couldn’t help himself but smile at that too, it wasn’t the worst he could do. About two years after they’d moved in together he’d signed a contract on a penthouse apartment on Aker Brygge. That was a whole lot more than a dog. They got it cancelled, thank god. 30 million kroner. Isak hadn’t slept for two nights – worrying about it – while also worrying abut Even being down. But Anders had fixed the annulment. Isak had been so relieved when the annulment was done that he’d slept for 24 hours beside Even. However, he’d never ever in his whole life thought about leaving him because the stuff he did when he was manic, not even if they had to pay for that apartment for the rest of their lives. Never. Ever.  

“No. The penthouse apartment kind of tops that.” He actually managed to make a little laugh, and Liv did too.

“Look, Isak. Take Lucas to your bed, put on a movie and I’ll take care of Mari. Sleep if you can, I’ll wake you if somethings up. Ok? We’ve got you.”

“Ok” Isak said, padded into the living room and sat down by Lucas again. “Hey sweetie? Wanna watch a movie with me in dad and mines bed?”

“Sure. What movie?”

“Your pick.”

“Can we watch Rock’n’Roll Wolf?”

“Sure.” Isak smiled a tiny, exhausted smile. They’d watched it on Christmas Day, and Lucas had fallen in love in the movie. A movie from 1976  – an over 50 years old movie was now Lucas favourite. Even surely had rubbed off on him too. Not just Isak’s science stuff.

 

They made themselves comfortable in bed, Lucas crawled into Isak’s side and put his head on his chest and held on to him.

“Dad’s gonna be ok? Right?” he asked silently.

“Yes, sweetie. He is. Grandad is picking him up. Grandad has got him. Grandad’s good at this.”

“Grandad’s awesome.” Lucas said.

“He is. And so are you. Thank you for remembering to call grandma.”

“You would have remembered too, dad.”

“Yeah, but you did it first.” Isak smiled at him and pulled him closer to his chest. “I’m so proud of you, Luc. So proud.” He carded his fingers through Lucas hair, just as Even used to do to him, and he felt his stomach tighten.

Even. His wonderful husband, lover, father of their kids. Where was he? What did he do? He prayed to the God he didn’t believe in that Anders had found him already, brought him home, took care of him, made sure he was safe and didn’t hurt himself or didn’t come up with some brilliant – but dangerous – ideas of what to do. Isak closed his eyes and listened to Lucas even breath and the sounds from the movie. He wouldn’t be able to sleep, he was sure of that, but he could just lie here with his eyes shut, making his boy feel safe, thinking about Even. His Even. His love.


	20. The twentieth step -  still facing obstacles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even gets home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still a bit nervous to write and post this because of my limited knowledge on bipolar disorder, but as said earlier; It's a fic.
> 
> Thank you for staying with me. 
> 
> <3

“Dad?”

“Dad?”

Isak struggled to open his eyes, but then suddenly remembered what’s happened and was awake in ha second. He looked into Lucas’ brown, sad but still smiling eyes. He was standing beside the bed, and the room was dark, the only light was the bedside lamp on Even’s side.

“Yeah?” Isak answered and got up, turning his head around looking for his phone. It was on his nightstand, and there were 35 messages on it. All from Even.

“Dad’s with grandad and they’re coming over in about 20 minutes.” Lucas said silently.

 

He had  fallen asleep; it was 18:13 now, so he’d slept for over an hour. He was dizzy and felt that he’d failed, falling asleep when his husband was manic and his kids needed him.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep, Lucas,” he said to his son, and pulled him in for a hug.

“Don’t be, dad. I watched some of the movie but walked down to grandma half way. Grandma said I should let you sleep.”

“Oh.” Isak said, looking at Lucas and smiled. “Let’s go downstairs to her.”

Liv was in the kitchen cooking something and Isak could see Mari in the cradle in the living room. He walked over and watched her all relaxed and asleep for a second before walked over to Liv.

“They’re coming?” he asked.

Liv turned around, “Hey, there. Slept well? You needed it, that’s for sure.” She smiled at him, gave him a hug and continued, “They’re coming over in about twenty minutes. He’s still ‘up there’ and very excited about the surprise he’s got for you. Dad said you’d be surprised but happy about it.”

“You know what it is?”

“No, he wouldn’t tell me either. Had promised Even.”

“Has Even realised that he’s manic?” Isak asked hesitantly. Sometimes Even realised himself, and sometimes he did not. It was easier when he did.

“No, not yet, dad said.” Liv looked at him worrying.

“Oh” Isak said, and knew that he had to get him to realise it when he came home. “Maybe you should take Mari and Lucas with you and go to yours?” Isak said, whispering.

“I’ve thought about it, and it might be a good idea, but at the same time, if Mari and Lucas – and especially Lucas – aren’t here when he comes home, he’ll be so disappointed. I don’t know if that will make it easier.”

“I know. You’re probably right.”

“I want to stay here with you, dad.” Lucas suddenly stood beside them and he was determined in both his appearance and voice.

“You don’t know what it’s gonna be like, Luc.” Isak said searching for words to convince him it was a good idea to go with Liv.

“Doesn’t matter, dad. I want to be here. He’s my dad and I want to be here.”

“But he might do and say stuff you don’t like or understand.”

“I know that. I know he’s manic, say and do weird stuff. I still want to be here. With you and with him.”

“Lucas, you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Yes I do. I want to be with you and dad. I don’t care if he says some weird stuff or do weird stuff. I want to stay!" He was stumping his foot to the floor, not something he did very often, but Isak could sense him being both upset and scared. And maybe he could stay for a while, but there had to be some rules.

“OK, but on one condition, Luc. No, two conditions.” Isak said, sat down, took Lucas’ both hands in his and looked him in the eyes.

“Ok?” Lucas looked back at him.

“One. If I tell you to go with grandma, you do. No arguing, no but’s. Because if I tell you to go it will be for a very good reason, I might not be able to tell you the reason, but it will be. Ok?”

“Ok.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.

“Ok. Two: when he crash, you can’t talk to him without me being there.”

“Why?”

“Because when dad crashes, he often thinks he doesn’t deserve anything, not you, not Mari, not me not anything. He think he’s not good enough for anybody and he can say some pretty bad stuff to you.”

“But he doesn’t mean it?”

“No, he doesn’t, but it still hurts. Like a lot.”

“Has he said bad stuff to you? Before I mean.”

“Yes, he has. And to grandma and grandpa too.”

“Like what?”

“Like he want us to go away. That we should leave him and don’t come back. That he doesn’t deserve that we love him and we’d be better off without him.”

“But that’s not true!” Lucas raised his voice, clearly upset. “He’s the best dad in the world!”

“No, it’s not true. However, when he is in that bad place, those thoughts get into his head and becomes the truth to him, and he can’t help himself saying it. It’s his mind telling him the wrong things.”

“Oh” Lucas stared at him, apparently thinking about it and finally he said; “I’m not going to talk to him without you being there dad. I promise.” He flung his arms around Isak’s neck, and Isak wrapped him in a tight hug.

“Then you can stay. It might only be for a while though, ok?”

“Mari will stay too?”

“Mari will come with me after dad’s come home and given you the surprise.” Liv said firm. “Mari’s so little, and she’s not well.”

“But dad will miss her?”

“He will, but not at once. She’ll come home again soon.” Liv said, looking at Isak who nodded.

Lucas looked at Liv and then at Isak. “Can I sit in your lap, dad?” he whispered, and Isak took the boy in his lap, held him, Lucas put his arms around Isak’s neck and hugged him tight. Didn’t say a word, just hid his face in the crock of Isak’s neck and held on tight.

“It’s going to be ok, Luc. He’s going to be ok, and we’re going to be ok.” Isak whispered.

 

Isak’s phone buzzed, and he read the messages with Lucas tucked against his chest.

 

**_< 3 My handsome husband <3 18:25_ **

_“I’m on my way home no, sweetie.”_

_“I’m so sorry it took so long.”_

_“I can’t wait to give you the surprise; I hope you’ll be happy.”_

_“I’ll be so happy when you get here, love.”_

_“Don’t be sorry.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

_“Two minutes now.”_

_“Dad’s driving”_

_“We just have to stop to get some food.”_

_“You don’t have to stop, sweetie.”_

_“Mum’s here, and she’s cooked.”_

_“Just come home, sweetie.”_

_“Sure?”_

_“I can get some pizza? Burgers? Indian?”_

_“I’m sure”_

_“Please, don’t stop on your way.”_

_“Just come home.”_

_“I miss you.”_

_“Oh! I miss you too.”_

_“And want you.”_

_“I want you so bad.”_

_“Ev, that can’t happen now.”_

_“The kids and your mum and dad will be here.”_

_“Maybe the kids can go to mum and dad?”_

_“And I’ll do you really good tonight?”_

_“How about that?”_

_“You like that?”_

_“The man of my life”_

_“The man of my dreams.”_

_“The love of my life.”_

 

Isak shook his head of the messages. He was somewhat impressed With the speed Even managed to write and send messages.

_“I’d like that.”_

_“Just get home safe, please!”_

 

He had just sent the text when the front door flung open, and Even’s voice sounded from the hall:

“Honey, I’m home!”

Isak got on his feet – Lucas crawled over to Liv’s lap as he stood up – and he walked to the hall. There he was; his hair a mess, his eyes wide-open, sparkling, glowing, sent electric shots to Isak’s stomach – both of love and worry – his smile so wide it almost did not stop. He bounced up and down on his feet; his arms were holding a box, a big brown box, and some sounds came out of it. ‘A dog’ Isak thought and breathed out of relief.

“Hey handsome” Isak said, walking over to him and kissed him. “What have you got?”

“You have to bring Lucas here. He has to see this. It’s awesome. I’m so glad I made it, I’m so happy I got this, it’s fantastic.” Even was talking fast, just spilling words out. “I think you gonna love it. Both of you, at least I hope so. I think you will. And Lucas the most.”

“Ok” Isak said, smiling. “Lucas, come to the hall, please!”

Isak heard Lucas’ footsteps from the kitchen, he stopped in the doorway a second, looked at Even for a while, as for to see if he was any different, and then he looked at Isak and smiled.

“Hey dad!” he smiled widely at Even.

“Hey there, sweet, sweet boy. I’m so happy to see you. Wanna se what I got in this box. It’s for you, and us, but most for you because you’re the one who wished for it. I’m so happy I got this. Come over, please.”

Anders had come inside behind Even, and he looked at Isak and nodded. It meant that everything was ok. No harm done, no hazard plans, no extreme thoughts – so far.

Lucas walked over to Even, and Even put the box down, grabbed for Lucas’ arm and pulled him into a hug.

“I hope you’re going to like it.” He opened the box and a little yellow golden retriever pup looked up at Lucas, and Lucas’ eyes widened, and the widest smile you could see on the boy’s face appeared, and he yelled;

“It’s a PUPPY! You’ve bought us a dog dad!!” He flung himself around Even’s neck, and Even held him tight. “Thank you! You’re the best!” Lucas dove down and lifted the pup up. It was gorgeous Isak could see it too. Golden fur, brown eyes, big puppy-paws, cute face and the softest fur Isak could remember he’d touch, he thought when Lucas brought it over for him to pet it.

“Is it a she or a he?” Lucas asked.

“It’s a she” Even answered still bouncing on his feet, his eyes wide open and the smile, the smile was both beautiful and little bit scary, because he could almost see his brain buzzing and sparkling in his head, “she’s almost three months old. Isn’t she beautiful, Luc. I bought her because you said you wished for a dog so much, and I really wanted one too, and then we were two against dad.” Even looked at Isak, who just looked at him. He talked fast, very fast, he almost tripped on the words.

“I’ve never said no to a dog, Ev. We’ve just not discussed it.” Isak smiled at him. The dog was really adorable, he kneeled down and patted her head. “She’s adorable.” He added and looked up at Even and tried to catch his eyes, but didn't get the contact he used to.

Even couldn’t stand still. He walked into the living room, stood beside Mari’s cradle, looking at her for a bit and was about to bend down to pick her up, when Isak got to him, reached out, and grabbed his arm, said low and firm; “Please Ev, let her sleep. She’s been ill for over a week, remember, and she needs to sleep.” He looked over his shoulder and made sure that  Lucas and Anders still was on the floor in the hall with the pup.

Even turned around and grabbed his waist, pulled him in for a hug. Held him tight.

“I’m sorry, Is. I know we should have talked about it before I bought that dog, but she’s so cute, and I just wanted to make Lucas happy. And make you happy. You know what, Is? I’ve had so many thoughts, so many good ideas lately. I couldn’t sleep and then Mari was sick and I couldn’t stand the thought of you being awake and taking care of her all by yourself, and when I was awake at Nights I started to get even more ideas. I’ve written a script, I’ve written a fucking script, Is, that’s what I did when I was awake. A fucking script. I’m going to send it in.”

“It’s ok, sweetie,” Isak said. “It’s just… I’ve been so worried today.” He drew his breath and just had to say it, Liv and Anders were here to take care of the kids if it went bad. “Ev, I think you’re manic, sweetie.”

Even froze in his arms, the grip tightened and Isak could feel his breath heaving. He was waiting for Evens answer, held him tight. Didn’t want him to let go, couldn’t let him go.

Even loosened the grip for a bit and leaned his head back and looked up in the roof and then back at Isak, his eyes flicked back and forth, couldn’t hold them still. “Yeah,” he said and leaned in and kissed him, tenderly, loving with so much emotion that Isak almost lost his feet. And just in that second, Isak knew that this wouldn’t be like one of the worst episodes. Even wasn’t spiralling further, because had he, he would have denied being manic. He didn’t. Even leaned down and kissed him again, then pulled back and looked at him.

“I’m sorry Is.”

“No, don’t be sorry, Ev. It’s ok. You’re here now, and we’re going to be alright. Ok?” Isak knew it was the truth, it wasn’t something he just said, he knew. They’d done it before, and probably had to do it again some other time, and they would be ok.

“I’m going to crash.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.

“Yeah, probably.” Isak whispered into his ears. “But I’ll be here with you.”

“I want you” Even said, the tone in his voice had shifted. He didn't speak loud, but loud enough that someone close could hear him if they were in the same room, but nobody was. “I want you so bad, Is. I want to fuck you, I want to feel you, I want to make you squirm, I want you to feel sooo good.”

Even pulled him tighter to himself, buried his face into Isak’s neck, kissed him, sucked on his neck, his arms went under Isak’s shirt, and Isak couldn’t help himself but let out a moan. However, both their kids and Liv and Anders was there, so Isak pulled all his strength out and pushed Even slightly away and looked at him.

“Ev. The kids, mum and dad. They’re here.”

“Then we have to get them out.” Even said, a hint of irritation in his voice.

“I’ll sort it out” Isak said, and Even pulled him into his arms again. “I just can’t wait to get your clothes of and make you feel so good, make you cum all over yourself and me. I love you, Is.”

Isak felt a shiver through his body, but had to restrain himself. He pulled himself out of Evens arm, gripped his upper arms and looked at him, had to get Even's mind over to something else.

“Can you come to the kitchen with me and eat something, and I’ll talk to mum?” It would probably be a long time until his appetite came back, so something to eat was important, and if it could make Even think of something else for some minutes, it would be even better. And it worked.

“Yeah, I’m kind of hungry. I haven’t eaten since breakfast, I think. Or maybe it was last night. I don’t remember. I’ve been writing you know. On the script.” Even’s hands were still caressing Isak’s back under his shirt, and Isak felt the touch all the way to his toes.

“At work?”

“Yeah. I didn’t have class today so I sat in my office and wrote. It’s fucking amazing Is, you should read it. It’s a wonderful love story, you’d love it. Even if you don’t like the sappy love stories, you will love this. I know you will.” He pulled his hands away and instantly Isak missed the touch.

“I’m sure I will, Ev. Because you’ve written it.” He smiled, and that was the truth. He would actually love it because it was Evens script. It didn’t matter if someone would buy it or not. He would love it anyway.

Isak got Even into the kitchen, put him on a chair and Liv handed him a plate. Lucas was still in the hall with Anders and the dog. Even ate. A lot. He ate, talked, and waved his arms, Liv just said yes, and no at the right places. When Even was silent for a little while, Isak turned to Liv, looked at her and said, without hesitation.

“Hey mum? I think both the kids should go with you and dad.”  It wasn’t a question, and he knew the moment Liv nodded that she understood.

“Please, mum? I don’t think it’s a good idea that the kids are home just tonight.” Even said and continued to shovel food into his mouth, looked at Isak, and he could feel the damn blush in his face, Liv saw it and she smiled knowingly at them. Isak knew that she knew, but they didin’t have to say it.

“Sure, sweetie, the kids come with us.” She mouthed ‘take care’ to Isak, and Isak nodded. He knew Even could go on and on when he was manic, but at the same time; it was Even. The man of his life, the love of his life. He didn’t mind spending a night with him in bed, without sleep, with a lot of sex. He could sleep later. And the thing was, Even often got down after. Yes, he crashed, but it wasn’t always that bad.

 

 

Isak got on his feet and walked to the living room where Lucas now was on the floor with the pup in his lap, patting her head and smiling as if he had won the lottery, Anders was on the couch, watching him. Isak nodded and smiled to Anders, and it seemed like he understood what was going on without Isak saying it.

“Hey Luc. Nice surprise?” Isak sat down beside him on the floor, petting the dog.

“Yeah, the best. She’s so cute.” He said, looked at Isak “We’re keeping her, right?”

“I guess we are.” Isak smiled at him forming a soundless ‘yess’ with his lips. “Luc, remember we talked earlier? About the rules?”

Lucas nodded, hesitantly.

“I need you to go with grandma and grandpa now, ok? They will drive you back home tomorrow or the day after.”

Lucas looked at him and his smile disappeared. Isak could see that he didn’t like it.

“Why?” he whispered.

“Because I need to be alone with dad tonight. But I promise to call grandma or grandpa as soon as it’s ok for you to come home.”

“Ok.” He sighed. “Does she stay here?” he nodded towards the dog.

“That’s grandma and grandpa’s decision,” Isak said, looking at Anders.

“You can bring that cute little bundle, Luc. But we’d better get some stuff for you and Mari, and get going.” Anders said looking at Isak and Isak nodded, Anders seemed to understand that it was for the best if they left soon. Isak couldn’t be more grateful for Liv and Anders. They always were there for them, helping them, supporting them, knowing what to do at the exact right time. They were just awesome.

“I’ll get the stuff for Mari, Lucas; can you and grandad get you some clean clothes and what else you need from your room?”

“Sure” Lucas said, not happy, but doing as he was told, got on his feet, grabbed Anders’ hand and went upstairs.

 

About twenty minutes later, Liv, Anders and the kids were out of the house. Even had walked the house up and down while Isak got the kids ready. He was talking about redecorating; he was talking about tearing down the wall between the living room and the office to get a bigger living room. He was talking about expanding the bathroom to get them a bigger shower and a bigger bathtub, he was talking about building a playhouse in the garden, he talked about painting, he talked and walked, talked and walked. He got to the hall when they were ready to leave and lifted Lucas in his arms, hugged him and told him that he loved him very much, he kissed Mari’s head softly and he hugged his parents.

Finally, they were alone.

Isak walked over to him, put his arms around his neck, and pulled him down for a kiss. Knew that he was the one who could ground Even now, keep him safe, keep him here and get him down. He was the one who could make Even relax, he was the one who could make Even finally get some rest. And he didn’t mind at all. Not at all. Even sighed, put his arms around his waist, and pulled him in to his chest.

“I love you, Isak. I love you so fucking much.” He said

“I love you too, Ev. Don’t you dare to forget that!”

“I won’t” he said, kissing him deeply. But Isak knew that when he was in the darkest Place in his own mind, he did forget and Isak feared it. He knew it would come to that point, he dreaded it and could never, ever be ready for it.

Even suddenly broke the kiss and a wide smile came on his face, “I bought you something!” He turned around, got his bag, and pulled out a present. It was the size of a pillow, just thinner. Isak took it and looked at it.

“What is it?”

“Open it” Even said, bouncing on his feet again, smiled and drummed his hands to his thighs in excitement.

Isak teared the paper off and unfolded the white fabric that was inside. It was a MasterChef jacket. A fucking MasterChef jacket, just as the one they used on TV. He held it up, and read what was written on it: ‘I’m Isak’s naked chef’. Isak couldn’t hold back his laugh. It was Even’s handwriting, probably written with a permanent marker pen. It was uneven, it was sloppy, it was a mix of different sized letters, however, it was so genuine, adorable and not at least sexy.

“I bet this would fit you better than me” Isak smiled, and Even laughed, his eyes almost disappeared in his face.

“Yes, It’s for you; for me to use and for you to watch. I can put it on now, if you want. Can I cook you something?”

“Nah, not hungry, but you can put it on.” Isak smiled, and Even got his clothes off. In the middle of the hall, he just stripped right there. Isak snuck behind him and locked the door, and when he turned around, Even was all naked in front of him, all sexy, beautiful, handsome, muscles, skin, scent... Isak gave him the jacket and he put it on. It reached him high on the thigh, just covering what needed to be covered, as long as Even didn’t raise his arms.

Even buttoned it one by one with a smirk on his face, biting his bottom lip and the tip of his tongue came out occasionally. Isak could feel the anticipation rise in his body, and felt a tingling in his own stomach and trousers. Honestly, Isak was more than ready for the night, even if he knew he would be exhausted in the end. 

“You look so damn sexy in that” Isak said, walking over to him and stroke his upper arms, the fabric preventing him to feel Even’s skin, but still he felt his muscles through the white soft cotton. His hands wandered up to his neck, caressing it, his throat, underneath his ears, back to the nape of his neck and run his hand through Evens hair. “I love you” Isak whispered. “I love all of you, have always loved you, and always will. Always; 15 years ago, now and for the rest of my life. No matter what, no matter what you do, no matter what your mind tell you to do. It doesn’t matter. I love you!”

Even put his arms around Isak and kissed him. Put his arms under his upper thighs, lifted him up, held him under his ass as Isak locked his legs around Evens waist. Even walked them through the living room and into the kitchen, put him on the kitchen table and cupped his face, kissing him repeatedly. “I love you, Is. I love you so fucking much.” His voice was desperate, his hands were all over him, his hips grinded towards him and Isak moaned loud, thinking that this night, this night would be one of a kind – for better and for worse.


	21. The twenty-first step - the crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even crashes and Isak is there with him.

Isak lay in their bed, facing a sleeping Even. It was around five in the morning, and Even had been sleeping for about half an hour. His face were relaxed now, pale, dried sweat on his forehead and traces of tears on his cheek. Isak himself was sticky from sweat and cum – both his and Evens – under his shirt and boxer, and he really should take a shower, but not just yet. He’s body didn’t have the strength to get up just yet. He just had to lay still, let his exhausted body rest a little bit.

The night had actually been awesome, he thought, despite of – or because of – Even’s almost never ending desire. Isak couldn’t really understand his own body. He shouldn’t have made it through the night. He’d been tired for days, barely slept because of Mari, but still, he didn’t feel neither tired or exhausted before Even fell asleep. Didn’t feel the exhaustion in his body before he saw Even relax. Then it hit him as if he had run into a brick wall. He laid there, looking at Even and knew that he should probably sleep too, because the next days would be rough. Still, there were nowhere else in the world he would rather be than just right there.

He thought about Lucas and Mari, and even if he was a bit sad that they weren’t home, and he wouldn’t get the usual morning cuddle with Lucas and Mari in bed in about an hour and a half, he was happy they were at Liv and Anders’. He smiled a tiny, tired smile to himself.

Even shifted in bed, his eyelids shivered a bit as he probably tried to open them. Isak looked at him, waiting for his eyes to open, but they didn’t. Even grabbed for the duvet, pulled it up all the way to his ears, and buried himself underneath it. Closing the view Isak had had.

“I’m sorry, Is.” He whispered tired, barely audible with a shaking voice and turned his back towards Isak.

Isak scooted closer, feeling his heart clench and in his stomach, the little lump grew to a bigger one. He put his arm over the duvet that covered all of Evens body, patted it and pushed himself closer to Evens back before moving his hand away again, sensed Even didn’t want him to be that close now. However, he spooned him with the duvet between them, put his head near to what was visible of Evens back head and said low:

“No need to be, sweetie. I love you.”

He didn’t need to say anything else. Even sighed, curled himself together like a ball and Isak followed his body, wanted to make him feel safe, didn’t hold him, but stayed close, comforted him, wanted to reassure him that he wasn’t going anywhere. Even sighed again, his breath evened out, and he fell asleep. Isak closed his eyes and started to drift off as well, thinking that he should’ve texted Liv, but didn’t have the energy to do it. She knew how it was, and knew she would get a text when he could manage. The last thing he thought about before sleep got him, was keeping Even safe.

 

When he woke up, he couldn’t feel Even beside him and he flung his eyes open and looked to Even’s side in panic. He put his hand under the duvet and breathed out in relieve when it still was warm from Even’s body. It wasn’t long ago since he’d left bed. Isak got on his feet, walked slowly out of their bedroom, listened to the sounds in their house, maybe he could hear where Even was. But he couldn’t hear a sound. He walked fast downstairs and looked into their living room; it was empty. The bathroom was empty. Their kitchen; empty. He paused in the kitchen to get a glass of water before he rushed down the hall, their front door still locked and Evens clothes still on the floor. He picked them up and walked into their office. No Even. Isak’s heart started to beat rapidly. He tossed the clothes in the direction of the bathroom and walked fast upstairs again. When he took the final step up, he could hear the sob. Lucas’ room.

Isak walked over the floor, pushed the door open and there he was. In Lucas’ bed, sitting cross-legged, sobbing, clenching to Lucas’ duvet, rocked back and forth. Isak walked over to him, sat down, put his arms carefully around him, afraid of the rejection he could get, and held him.

“Sweetie” Isak said. “It’s gonna be ok.”

Even looked at him but it didn’t seem like he could see him, his eyes were full of tears and despair, they were pale, pale blue, almost transparent and then he closed them and bowed his head.

“I’ve ruined everything” he sobbed. “I’ve ruined everything for Lucas. I’m a failure, I’ve betrayed him, he trusted me and now I’ve ruined everything. I’m just like his mum.” Even twisted out of Isak’s arms, pulling his legs up, put his arms around his knees and his head between them and continued to rock his body back and forth. Back and forth.

Isak snapped his breath at those words. Knowing it wasn’t Even that spoke, it was the depression, but still, it hurt. So much.

“You’re nothing like his mother, Ev. You’re the best dad in the whole fucking world.”

Isak knew it probably was useless to try to talk to him right now, but he still had to try.

“He’d be better off without me. He….”

“No” Isak said firm, maybe a bit too loud, but it worked, Even lifted his head, opened his eyes and looked at him.

“I’m hurting him. And he’s gonna hate me.”

“No” Isak said again, a bit loud, and he saw Even’s eyes widen from the sound of his voice. “No” Isak continued, lower. “You’re not hurting Lucas and he’s not gonna hate you. Lucas loves you and he’s waiting for my call saying he can come home. So he can be with you.”

“He shouldn’t see me like this. He shouldn’t been burdened with a father like me.”

“You’re not a burden. You’re an amazing dad, and Lucas loves you.”

Even looked at him, his eyes had turned to almost black now and he looked angry, or was it upset or sad, Isak didn’t know. “ **I** know what you’re trying to do, Is. But **I** ’m the trash in this family.” He said with pressure on both ‘ ** _I_** ’s’, looked at him, pushed Lucas’ duvet on Isak, got out of the bed and walked out of the room, slowly but with firm steps, his head bowed down and his shoulders sunk forward. Isak heard the door to their bedroom got slam shut and he heard the “thump” when Even hit the bed.

 

Isak sat back in Lucas’ bed, held the duvet close to his chest and face, sniffed the smell of both Even and Lucas from it while tears started to run down his cheeks. He knew that Even didn’t mean it, but it still hurt. So bad. It hurt so bad that he had those thoughts about himself and them. That they would be better off without him. Isak could never be a better man than he was with Even. Had been for 15 years and would be for the rest of his life. He would never ever consider anything else than a life with Even.

 

Isak looked at the watch on Lucas’ bedside table. 07:19. He should probably call Evens boss and he should call Liv. Isak walked slowly downstairs with heavy legs, and the lump felt like a rock in his stomach. Found his phone on the kitchen table and dialled the number for Evens boss. He answered at once, and Isak told him what’d happened. His boss said he wasn’t surprised, because Even had acted strange yesterday, sent him some weird e-mails but nothing serious. He had debated if he should alert Isak, but decided not to as long as Even hadn’t done anything severe, but would have if it had continued. Isak thanked him and told him he would phone him again over the weekend.

 

Isak made himself a cup of coffee and sat by the kitchen table, looking out of the window. The snow still came down from the dark sky, making the nature white and beautiful. Clean, white, muted, spotless, and he caught himself to wish that could be his mind too – clean, white and muted – and Evens. Instead he knew Even was deep down in the dark. Deep down where Isak couldn’t reach him, deep down where no lights was to be found, where the thoughts weren’t muted, they were just hammering through Evens mind and made him feel useless, unlovable, unwanted. Thinking he was trash.

It hurt; it hurt so fucking much. Isak knew that he shouldn’t feel sorry for himself, and it wasn’t really what he felt either, but he felt so helpless, so sorry he couldn’t help Even, so sad because he couldn’t reach him down there. Couldn’t be there for him the way he wanted.

 

Isak put his palms to his face and cried. Soundless, just tears spilling down his cheeks. And he couldn’t’ help himself but wished for Even to miraculous come down in that second, wished that the dark just could disappear from his mind, and he would walk down to him, put his strong arms around him and hold him tight. Tight to his chest, comfort him, make the pain go away.

He of course knew it couldn’t be like that. Isak had to manage this, and he would. He would manage it. He just had to sit alone a bit, in silence, in the dark while the snow made the world outside white, drink his coffee and cry a bit. Cry a bit for Even, for himself and the kids.

…

 

When the mug was empty and the tears had stopped, Isak picked out his phone again and dialled Liv’s number. She picked up instantly.

_“Hey sweetie. How are things?”_

“Hey. He has crashed. And already made a point of him being useless.”

_“Oh, I’m sorry, Isak.”_

“Yeah, me too.”

_“You ok?”_

Isak knew it wouldn’t help to lie.

“No. Just cried my eyes out in the kitchen. But I’ll get there.”

_“Want one of us to come over?”_

“No, not yet. But maybe you could drive Lucas home this evening?”

_“Sure. But you think that’s a good idea?”_

“I don’t know.”

_“Maybe we should decide that a bit later today? It’s not eight o’clock yet. A lot can happen throughout the day.”_

“Probably.”

_“Have you been sleeping, Isak?”_

“About two hours.”

_“Oh. Isak, you should go to sleep. If Even don’t want you to be in your room, in your bed, go sleep in Lucas’ bed. It’s not doing anyone any good if you’re dead tired too.”_

“I know. It’s just… when I was sleeping he walked out of bed and into Lucas’ bed. And I found him there, and he was sobbing and talking about all this shit that he wasn’t good enough to be Lucas’ dad, and that he was just like Lucas’ mother, betraying him and stuff.”

_“Isak, you know it’s just the depression that talks!”_

“I know that, mum. It just hurts so much that he says all that stuff about himself. I mean, he’s amazing. Wonderful. And I love him, and he kind of dismisses my love for him. And I don’t want him to be alone if he wakes up again.”

Isak felt the tears again and was surprised he had some left.

_“I know, Isak. I know. I’ve been the, it hurts. But you got to remind yourself over and over again that it’s not him talking and it’s going to be ok. It just takes a while.”_

“I know all that, it just hurts.”

_“Of course it does.  But Isak; listen to me now: I can hear you being dead tired, and I want you to go and get some sleep. Or else you won’t be able to handle what comes next. You being exhausted too are not doing anyone any good. Ok?”_

Isak dried the tears away with his free hand.

“Ok. I’ll try.”

_“Talk to you later, ok?”_

“Ok.”

 

Isak sighed and got on his feet. He decided to go for Lucas’ bed. Walked upstairs, had a quick peak into their bedroom and could see Even lying there all covered up in their duvets. He resisted the urge to go in and give him a kiss, knew it wouldn’t be appreciated. He bowed his head and walked into Lucas’ room, pulled the drawer out so the bed turned to a double bed, and lay down. Covering himself with Lucas’ duvet, sensed the faint smell of Lucas and a little hint of Even from it, put his head down and actually fell asleep, knew that the smallest sound would wake him up.  

 

And he was right. When he woke up the next time, it was from the sound of their bed making the sound it did when someone got out of it. Isak listened to the sound of Even’s step going out of their room, crossed the hall, through Lucas’ bedroom door and he felt the weight of another body coming into the bed. He didn’t come close enough to touch, but close enough that Isak could feel the warmth radiate from his body, and he felt the rock in his stomach from earlier being a little smaller now. Even had come in and laid right behind him. He didn’t touch him at all, but he was there, right behind his back, wrapped in his own duvet, and Isak could hear his breath even out as he fell asleep again. Isak turned around, carefully not to touch, glancing Even and looked at the watch on the nightstand – 14:14 – he’d slept for about six hours.

He watched him for a while before he closed his eyes again. Sleep came easy and he started to drift of, but before he was totally gone, he felt Even gripping for his hand and Isak took it and held it, not tight, but he held it. Isak smiled into his sleep and whispered a silence, “I love you.”

 

He woke up an hour later because of Even getting out of bed. He heard him go downstairs and into their bathroom. After a little while, he heard the toilet flush. He got out of bed and walked downstairs, stopped at the last step and watched Even come out of the bathroom. He looked so small; the tall and well-built man in front of him looked so small, fragile and vulnerable. His strong, confident husband looked nothing like himself and Isak’s heart cried for him. Even so, even if his hair was flat and greasy against his head, even if his eyes had no sparkles, even if the smile had disappeared totally, he was still nothing else but beautiful to Isak.

 

“Hey” Isak whispered

“Hey” he answered, low, rusty voice. “I took my pills.”

“Good.” Isak said. “How are you feeling?”

“Awful”

“Want me to come to bed with you?”

“Really?”

“Of course. Can I?”

“Yeah.”

 

Isak couldn’t help himself but smile, reaching his hand out for Even to take it, and he did. They walked upstairs, Isak first with Even’s hand in his, almost dragging him upstairs and into their room. Even dumped down on the bed and curled himself into a ball instantly, but this time facing the middle of the bed while Isak lay himself carefully down beside him and faced him.

“Can I touch you?” Isak whispered.

Even nodded. Isak brushed some stray hairs from his forehead. Caressing his cheeks, cupping one of his chins, felt overwhelmed by the possibility to touch him again. It wasn’t like it had been a long time since they touched the last time, but still, the words Even had said made it important for Isak to be able to feel his skin again. Even closed his eyes when Isak touched him and leaned into his hand.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Shhh” Isak said, “No need to talk, no need to say you’re sorry!” Isak moved his hand on his cheek, his thumb rubbing his chin softly while the other fingers lay around his ear and on the side of his neck – just like he did all those years ago in Kollektivet, when he first met this side of Even. He rubbed his thumb up and down, slowly, smiled a little smile and Even closed his eyes and leaned his chin into Isak’s touch. “Can I kiss you?” Isak whispered and Even shook his head.

“Too much” he whispered.

“Do you want me to stop touching your chin?”

Even shook his head.

“Can I hold you?”

Even shook his head again, but lifted his left hand, grabbing for Isak’s free right hand and Isak gave it to him. Even put his hand on top of Isak’s open palm and Isak folded his fingers around it.

“This ok?” he whispered again, and Even nodded, sighed and closed his eyes.

After some minutes Even fell asleep again, his steady breath and loosened grip made Isak certain. He turned onto his back, not letting go of Evens hand but removed his other from Evens chin. He got his phone from the bedside table and found Liv in the messenger. Tapping with one hand wasn’t easy when he was in bed on his back, but he just had to manage it, supporting his phone with his knees. Did not want to let go of Even.

**MUM <3 15:58**

_“Hey”_

She replied instantly.

_“Hey.”_

_“How are things now?”_

_“We’ve slept.”_

_“Even’s the same.”_

_“Think maybe the kids should stay with you until tomorrow if that’s ok?”_

_“Sure.”_

_“By the way; we called Marius today and told him that Lucas stayed home.”_

_“Oh, thanks.”_

_“I totally forgot.”_

_“No worries. We asked Lucas what he wanted, and he wanted to stay with us.”_

_“That’s ok.”_

_“How’s Mari?”_

_“Better, not as whiny as yesterday, but still a bit warm, think she’s still got fever. Coughing is still bad.”_

_“FUCK!”_

_“I should have taken her to the doctor today.”_

_“I had an appointment for her.”_

_“I’m a terrible father.”_

_“Forgetting my son’s going to school and my daughter going to the doctor.”_

_“Stop it, Isak. Please!”_

_“You’re not. You’re taking care of your husband. You’re not a terrible father because you forgot something on a day like this!”_

_“Sorry.”_

_“Don’t want to hear you say you’re sorry. You’ve no need to be.”_

_“Which doctor?”_

_“The same as Even, Lucas and I go to.”_

_“Doctor Strand.”_

_“I know him from Even lived at home.”_

_“I call him tomorrow and explain.”_

_“Thanks.”_

_“No worries. That’s what mothers are for.”_

_“Yeah, I’ve kind of realised that.”_

_“Now, take care of your husband, my son and the father of your kids, and I’ll take care of your kids. Ok?”_

_“Ok.”_

_“Tell Lucas I miss him.”_

_“I will. He misses you too. Both of you.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Oh, by the way. How’s the dog?”_

_“The dog’s having the time of her life. Being cuddled and spoiled all day long.”_

_“I can picture it.”_

_“Not only by Lucas, I presume?”_

_“No, Anders too.”_

_“And you?”_

_“And me.”_

_“Knew it.”_

_“Has Lucas named her?”_

_“Yes, he has. She’s named Lime.”_

_“Lime?”_

_“Yes. Lime. It’s L for Lucas, I for Isak, M for Mari and E for Even. Lime”_

_“Wow.”_

_“That boy.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Well, my arm hurts now. I’m tapping with one hand, my other hand is in Evens hand. Not intending to let go, so I’d better quit messaging.”_

_“Take care!”_

_“And give a sound when you’re up to it.”_

_“Will do.”_

_“Love you.”_

_“Love you too.”_

Isak turned his head to Even again, still fast asleep. He laid there for quite a while, maybe an hour, maybe one and a half, he didn’t know. His stomach started to rumble and he realised that he was hungry. Isak didn’t really want to leave Even, but the hunger building up in his stomach couldn’t be held down any more. He hadn’t eaten since yesterday – evening – and that was about 24 hours ago. Isak pulled his hand carefully out of Evens, but in the second the contact were broken, Even’s hand gripped at his again. He opened his eyes and looked at him.

“I’m just going to grab something to eat. I’ll be back really, really soon. Promise.”

“Ok” – Even sighed

“You want something to eat?”

“No”

“You want something to drink?”

“Perhaps.”

“I’ll bring you a bottle. Five minutes?”

Isak ran downstairs, switched on the coffeemaker first, put a cup under, grabbed two slices of pizza from the fridge put them on a plate, grabbed one of Lucas bottles and filled it with water, put all on a tray together with his laptop and walked upstairs again.

Even was asleep again when he came into their room, he’d grabbed Isak’s pillow and buried his face into it. Isak got the duvets from Lucas’ room and a spare pillow out of his closet, put everything behind his back, and sat up against the headboard, laptop in his lap, coffee and pizza on the nightstand.

He opened his mailbox, and his eyes widened and he felt his heartbeat double it’s speed as he read the mail on the top of his list. It was dated today. Isak shook his head in disbelieve, looked at the sleeping man beside him, pushed a stray hair from his forehead, before he squeezed his eyes shot, still a few tears managed to slip through. Isak took five deep breaths and picked up his phone.


	22. The twenty-second step - climbing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even fights his demons With Isak by his side

**Dad <3 18:40**

_“Hey!”_

_“Hey, son. How are you?”_

_“We’re having a ball here with your kids.”_

_“Even’s sleeping.”_

_“I just got something to eat – finally.”_

_“Good.”_

_“Talked to him?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Was allowed to touch his chin and hand too.”_

_“Good.”_

_“But, dad?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“You remember what you did that time Even signed the contract for that penthouse apartment? To cancel it, I mean?”_

_“Shit.”_

_“He bought that again?”_

_“No”_

_“He’s signed a contract on a cabin in Hafjell.”_

_“Just 10 million this time.”_

_“Thank God he put me on ‘copy’ on his mails.”_

_“Oh, shit again.”_

_“Ok, you want me to help you out, or you want to tell me what to do?”_

_“I probably should fix it myself, being all grown up and stuff.”_

_“You don’t have to, Isak.”_

_“I know what to do, and I know what to say.”_

_“And you kind of have your hands full, right?”_

_“Kind off.”_

_“Let me take some phone calls.”_

_“Just send me the details, ok?”_

_“Thanks, dad.”_

_“I’ve no idea what we’d do without you.”_

_“You know, Isak? I really don’t know what we’d done without you either.”_

_“Without you we wouldn’t have had those two gorgeous grandchildren and we probably wouldn’t have had our son either.”_

_“Don’t say that.”_

_“I’m afraid it’s the truth, son!”_

_“Please, dad.”_

_“Sorry, Isak. Still, my point is; we love you – all four of you – so much, and being here for you is easy, because seeing all of you happy is the greatest thing in the world for us.”_

_“You’ll get it when your kids get older.”_

_“Nah, I think I get it already.”_

_“You know after Even’s been down, the greatest thing is to see him smile again, so I kind of get what you’re saying.”_

_“It’s just that I feel that we never get to repay all your favours.”_

_“Oh, that time will come, son.”_

_“When we get older, we’ll nag you about everything you have to help us with”_

_“Paint the house, shovelling the snow, fix the roof, fix the pluming, change tires on our cars, mole the lawn and so on.”_

_“Can’t wait for it!”_

_“Just sent you the mail”_

_“Thanks again.”_

_“You’re welcome.”_

Isak sighed.

The cabin was kind of awesome and he wished they actually could afford it. Maybe in 10 years or so. They still got the cabin together with Liv and Anders, Even’s sister and her family, and used it from time to time. Even’s sister never used it though, living in USA for the last 5 years, rarely visiting Norway.

Isak thought back to the first time he was at the cabin with Even. It was the weekend after the last time he saw his parents – on the street that awful day – they went to the cabin to get a break from everything. They weren’t living together yet, even if Even was more at Kollektivet than he was at home.

It had been an amazing weekend, winter, snow, cold days, colder nights, sun, they had sex in all the rooms – Isak was terrified they would leave traces which Liv and Anders could find, but Even had just smiled at him and told him that it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t hide that they had sex with him from his parent. Isak did mind though, so he  cleaned the traces after them while Even lay on the couch smiling at him.

That weekend Isak realised Even was be the man he would spend the rest of his life with. He’d for sure said it before, that Even was “the man of his life”, but at that trip he knew it, knew that Even WAS the man of his life, the man of his dreams. Moreover, it was the first time Isak said he loved him, and thankfully Even had said it back.

_They were in the small kitchen, Even was making food; nothing complicated, just pasta and tomato sauce and Isak sat on the kitchen counter, looked at him and could feel it deep down in his stomach that this was it. Even grounded him. Even made him feel safe. Even made him feel like he had a family, Even felt like his family, something Isak wasn’t used to have, but it felt good. Really good.  Even made him feel something that he’d never felt before and it was overwhelming, but at the same time it made him feel calm, satisfied and it made him just know that this, this was love. He felt the butterflies spin around in his stomach in a really good way, and he just knew Even was the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with – if he would have him. Yeah, yeah, he was only 17 years old, but he still knew. Something was so right, both between them and inside Isak. There was something about them together that fit, like two puzzle pieces. They just clicked and was perfect._

_Even looked at him and smiled, stirring the tomato sauce, looked at him again and Isak had probably the most giddy smile on his face, because Even raised his eyebrows and kept staring at him._

_“What’s up?” he asked._

_“I love you.” Isak said, just as if it was the most natural thing to say to that question._

_Even dropped the spoon, tomato sauce splattered around, and he looked at him. At first, he just stared. With wide eyes and an open mouth and Isak thought; ‘shit, I’ve ruined everything. He’s not at my level’ and he bowed his head and could feel the tears pounding behind his eyelids. ‘Fuck, why can’t you just keep your mouth shut, Isak. You always say the wrong things; always fuck up. Idiot.’_

_But then, Even was in front of him, pushing himself between Isak’s knees, cupped his face with both hands, lifted his head, and Isak looked into the widest smile, his eyes were sparkling and his whole face were glowing, even a little blush in his cheeks._

_“You really do?” he whispered, rusty voice, and Isak nodded “That’s a relief, because I love you Isak.”_

_Isak felt the shiver all through his body like electric vibes and he started to smile. Even leaned in for a kiss and Isak met him and they kissed and kissed, sloppy, filthy, hungry. Finally breaking the kiss, out of breath both of them, Even spoke again._

_“I think I’ve loved you since the first time I kissed you, but I haven’t dared to say it.”_

_“You have?” Isak stuttered._

_“Yeah, I think so.”_

_“Well, I think I have too.” Isak said, blushed a bit._

_“I love you, Is.” He said again, leaned in and kissed him._

_“I love you Ev.” Isak answered._

_The food got cold and soggy before they ate it, but it didn’t matter. It was the best meal they ate that weekend._

Isak smiled at the memory, and looked down at Even, he was still sleeping, still looking beautiful even if his face was grey and hollow, even if his smile wasn’t there, even if he had dark circles under his eyes, even if his hair was greasy, even if his eyes didn’t sparkle he was beautiful. Because he was his husband, lover, best friend, the best father Isak could rise their children with, simply the best.

Isak put on a movie and watched it with the sound low – wearing earplugs, but still low sound – because he wanted to be able to hear if Even spoke. But he didn’t. He slept. Isak shut the laptop down when the film was done, and he laid down beside Even. Even  hadn’t moved the last hours, and Isak did not want to touch him, scared it would wake him, so he just scooted towards him and lay so close he could without touching, on his side and watched him as his eyelids got heavier and heavier, and in the end he fell asleep.

 ------

When Isak woke up, it was Friday morning. The lights from the sun outside came in between the curtain and the windowframe and fell over Evens face. He lay just as he did when Isak fell asleep last night. Isak moved his head a bit closer to Even’s face, just to reassure himself that Even actually breathed. And of course he did. Isak breathed out – not realising that he actually had held his breath. Even had been sleeping all night, and that was good, especially after yesterday. Isak turned around, picked up his phone, and looked at the time. 11:20. He had several messages on his phone.

****

**_MOM <3 08:10_ **

_“Hey.”_

_“How are things?”_

_.._

**_MOM <3 09:10_ **

_“I guess you’re sleeping, and that’s good.”_

**_DAD <3 09:30_ **

_“I’ve talked to the real estate agent and explained the situation.”_

_“He should talk to the seller, and get back to me.”_

_“Nice cabin though!”_

**_JONAS 10:05_ **

_“Hey!”_

_“Guess who’s bought that house down your street?”_

 

Isak smiled at the message from Jonas and replied.

 

_“Hey!”_

_“Who would be that crazy, moving to our street?”_

_“Congratulation! Happy for you!”_

_“And for us!”_

_“Thanks!”_

_“We’re moving in in April.”_

_“Free tonight?”_

_“Awesome!”_

_“No, sorry. Even’s down.”_

_“Oh, that sucks. Has he been up too?”_

_“Yeah. Crashed yesterday morning.”_

_“Ok. Tell me if there’s something we can do.”_

_“Sure. Not at the moment.”_

_“But thanks.”_

_“No problem. Just let us know!”_

 

Isak smiled at his phone as he heard Even shift in the bed. Isak turned his head and looked at him. He had turned his head and faced the roof. He sighed. Isak lay down on his side and faced Even.

“Hey” he whispered.

“Hey” Even whispered back. His voice rusty, his lips were chapped, he tried to wet them with his tongue but for now good. He turned his head towards Isak and looked at him. His eyes were still glassy, almost transparent, and his face were grey.

“How are you?” Isak whispered, scooted a bit closer.

“Tired.”  

“Can you please have some water for me?”

“Yeah.”

Isak got the bottle from his bedside table and put it towards Evens lips, he raised his head from the pillow and took a sip.

He laid back again and closed his eyes. “My pills” he mumbled.

“I’ll get them” Isak said, got out of bed, fetched the pills from the bathroom and walked back as fast as he could. Even still was on his back. Isak crawled into their bed, lifted Evens head carefully, gave Even the pills, he took them with some more water and sunk down in bed again.

After some minutes, Even turned his face towards Isak and slowly opened his eyes, there were tears in them.

“I bought a cabin,” he whispered.

“I know” Isak said.

“I’m sorry”

“I know.” Isak said again “Can I please touch you?”

Even shook his head and Isak felt a lump forming in his throat.

“I fucked up.” Even whispered, tears dripping down his cheeks.

“No. You were manic. It’s gonna be ok, sweetie.” Isak had to use all his willpower not to reach out and dry the tears away.

“I…. I….” Even’s voice was barely audible “I think I fucked up at work too.”

“No, you didn’t. I’ve talked to your boss. You sent him some e-mails, but nothing serious.” Isak whispered.

Even looked at him and Isak couldn’t hold his tears back anymore, he looked so small, devastated, hurt.

“I’m hurting you.”

“No. No-no-no, you’re not hurting me. You’re hurting yourself, and I’m sad because of that.” Isak said. “And I really want to hold you. Can I please hold you?”

Even looked at him for a long time, before his head moved slowly up and down. He nodded. Isak moved his body closer to Evens and slowly put his left arm over Evens shoulder, slid his right arm under his head and pulled him carefully closer so Even’s head rested on Isak’s right shoulder. Isak wanted to kiss him so bad, but wouldn’t do it without permission. Knowing that it could be way too much for Even.

“This is Ok?” he whispered.

Even nodded into his shoulder.

“Can I touch your chin?” Isak still whispered.

Even nodded, and Isak moved his arm so his left hand cupped Even’s chin. Stroke over his pale-grey chin with his thumb for a while, then traced his eyebrows, the bridge of his nose, his jawlines and back to his eyebrows again with his index finger before he went back to just hold Evens chin in his hand and caress it with his thumb. He listened to Even’s breath who was a little bit fast.

“To much?” he asked.

Even shook his head. “It’s ok. It feels good.”

“Good.” Isak whispered back.

They lay in silence for a while before Even tilted his head to look up at Isak.

“We can return the dog.”

“Why?”

“I shouldn’t have bought it without talking to you.”

“I don’t think I want to return her. She’s cute. And Lucas has already named her.”

Even raised his brows.

“He has?”

“Yeah. Lime. After the letters in all our names. Lucas, Isak, Mari and Even.”

Because of those words, Even’s tears started to flow, and now Isak could wipe them away with his thumb, feeling his shoulder being soaked of the tears, but it didn’t matter. Even pulled out his arm, grabbed Isak’s left shoulder, clung to him and cried. Loud. He cried and cried, sobbed into Isak’s chest and Isak let him. Just held him, caressed his back and held him tight into his chest. He didn’t need to speak, he didn’t have to speak, he just had to hold him. And he did. The sobs eventually got quieter, and finally stopped, but Even didn’t let go of him, he still held to him like he was his lifeline, like Isak was the one thing that held Even floating, like he was the glue that held him together, and perhaps he was. Isak didn’t mind at all. He could lie there forever if it made Even feel better, even if it was just a little bit.

After a while – Isak didn’t have a clue of time anymore – he felt that Even started to drift of. The grip on his shoulder loosened, his head became heavier, his breaths became more steady and heavier and he could feel the whole body of his husband relax. However, Isak didn’t let go of him. He was more than happy being where he was. In the end it was Even who moved, turned his body around, grabbed the duvet and buried himself underneath it and slept all by himself again.

Isak looked at him, and was more optimistic than he’d been last night. He’d talked a bit, he’d let him hold him, comfort him and caress him. Good signs Isak suddenly remembered the text he’d got earlier, so he turned around in bed and grabbed his phone.

**MOM <3 12:50**

_“Hey”_

_“Things are the same.”_

_“Have talked a bit, but you know how it is.”_

_“Slept all night though – both of us.”_

_“Oh, hey sweetie.”_

_“Glad to hear you’ve been sleeping.”_

_“Lucas is at school today.”_

_“Mari’s been to the doctor. He wanted to get her cheeked for asthma; he didn’t like the sounds from her chest.”_

_“Oh, I should have been there. That’s what I feared.”_

_“Don’t worry Isak. I talked to Dr. Strand, and he told me to tell you to stay home and take care of Even. He’d contact you Monday about an appointment for Mari.”_

_“Thanks.”_

_“Dad asked me to tell you he’s optimistic about the cabin.”_

_“Good.”_

_“Is he home now?”_

_“No, picking Lucas up from school.”_

_“Ok. I think maybe I want Lucas to come home this evening.”_

_“You sure?”_

_“No.”_

_“Then why?”_

_“I miss him. And I think maybe him being her can make Even feel better.”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“Yeah, good point. But what if he don’t?”_

_“Have thought about that too.”_

_“But Lucas needs to know. He needs to be a part of this.”_

_“I think being left out is worse for him than the reality.”_

_“And he really don’t like staying away from home for a long time.”_

_“I think maybe you’re right.”_

_“Why don’t you let me know later? He can have dinner with us, and we take it from there?”_

_“Yeah. I’ll phone or text you later.”_

_“Tell dad thank’s a lot.”_

_“And give Mari a kiss from me.”_

_“I miss her so much.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Take care, Isak.”_

Isak got out of bed and walked downstairs. Their house looked like a mess, but he didn’t have the energy to do something about it right now. He made himself something to eat, and sat down by the kitchentable to eat and decided to text Kriss.

**KRISS 13:10**

**_“_ ** _Hi, Kriss.”_

_“Just want you to know that Even had an manic episode that ended night between Wednesday and Thursday. He’s down now, but we’re coping quite well. I don’t think he’ll come  to you Monday.”_

_“Isak.”_

Isak put down his phone, didn’t expect Kriss to answer for a while, took a sip of his coffee and started to eat. His phone buzzed almost instantly.

_“Hi, Isak.”_

_“Sorry about Even, but it was kind of what we had expected, wasn’t it? I mean, we talked about the fact that getting an infant and messing his sleeping schedule would be a trigger factor. Glad he came down so fast. That means he’ll probably will get up fast too. How manic was he, and how was he when he crashed?”_

Isak read and prepared an answer in his head. Knowing that being honest with Kriss was important – both for himself but not at least for Even.

_“He’d been spiralling for a while without me recognizing it, beacause Mari’s been ill. The peak was Wednesday. Bought us a dog – adorable, we’ll keep her – bought us a cabin – we’re hopefully not keeping that – he’s been writing a script and wrote some emails to his boss. But no life-threatening or dangerous stuff. He crashed after some rounds in bed. I think it was after the fifth.”_

_“At least not a penthouse apartment this time. How expensive?”_

_“Just 10 million”_

_“Piece of cake compared to 25 million.”_

_“Yeah, I now. Anders is on it. Thank God.”_

_“Good. Rough night?”_

_“Nothing I couldn’t handle.”_

_“Good. I’ll put him – and you maybe – up for an appointment in the end of the week. Get back to me if he isn’t up to it. Ok?”_

_“Ok.”_

_“Thanks Kriss.”_

_“No problem. Take care, Isak.”_

_“I will.”_

Isak emptied his cup and plate, made a couple of toasts for Even, put them on a plate and walked back up. He should have something to eat, but also; they really should shower, both of them. Isak felt really gross – hadn’t showered since Wednesday morning, and neither had Even.

Even was awake when he came up. Starring at the ceiling. Isak crawled carefully into the bed beside him.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Can you please join me in the shower? I think it will do you good.” Isak was careful with the words he used.

“Yeah.”

Even slowly got out of bed and walked with heavy steps to the door.

“I’ll tear of the beddings, and will be right there” Isak said, started to tear the covers of their duvets and mattress. Even nodded, stood in the doorway and watched him. With his arms full, he walked behind Even downstairs and into their bathroom.

Even sat down on the toilet while Isak turned on the shower and teared his shirt of and kicked of his boxer, walking over to Even and pull his shirt of as well. Even looked up at Isak’s chest and startled.

“Isak?”

“Yeah?”

“Your chest is full of bruises.”

“What?” Isak didn’t understand. He looked at himself in the mirror, and Even was right. There were quite a few bruises on his chest, and Isak knew instantly where they came from. He had laid over the kitchen table while Even had hammered into him Wednesday evening.

Isak turned to Even again, and smiled.

“It was fucking awesome the way I got them.” He smiled. But Even didn’t smile, he had tears in his eyes.

“I hurt you?”

“No. No-no-no. You didn’t hurt me at all. You made me feel so good. Over the kitchen table. Remember?”

“No.” He looked down; his whole body seemed to deflate. Isak sat down on his knees in front of Even, grabbing his hands and held them tight even if Even tried to pull away from him.

“Hey, look at me.” Isak whispered, and Even slowly raised his head, his eyes were glassy, close to transparent again, tears were filling them and a few slipped down his cheeks. “You did nothing but good things to me. You’ve not hurt me.”

“Your chest is all blue and yellow,” he whispered.

“Yeah, because I was bending over the kitchen table. It was awesome. You were awesome.” Isak let go of one of Evens hands and wiped away the tears. “You are awesome.”

Even looked at him, still with fear in his glassy eyes.

“Even, you got to believe me. You did NOT hurt me. You made me feel so good, loved, desired and wanted. Nothing else.”

Isak knew that he might not believe him, but he blinked his tears away and looked to the ceiling.

“Come on. Let’s go into the shower. I’ll wash your hair and we’ll go to bed again.” Isak tugged on his hand, and Even got up. Even lifted his legs obediently as Isak pulled his boxers off and Isak tossed them in the hamper, he took Even’s hand and dragged him into the shower.

Even leaned against the wall while Isak washed his hair and his body, felt the resistance in Even because of the touches, but he managed to go through with it. When Isak was done with Even, he washed his own hair and body quickly before getting out of the shower, holding a big towel out for Even to step in to. He did, and sunk down on the toilet again.

“Better?” Isak asked.

Even didn’t answer, didn’t move. Isak dried himself and dressed himself in just a clean boxer and t-shirt, sat down beside Even and patted him dry. Tried to be as quick as possible so there would be bearable for him. He held out the boxer, Even stepped into it, and Isak pulled it up. Held out a t-shirt for him, he raised his arms and Isak pulled it over his head.

“I’m going to put on the clean covers, want to wait here or come with me?”

Even got on his feet and followed him up the stairs. He leaned to the doorframe while Isak put clean sheets and clean covers on the duvets and pillows and when he was done, Even just dropped down on the bed, curled himself together and lay completely still. Isak watched him for a while before he crawled into the bed and pushed himself to sit up against the headboard.

“Want me to lay down with you?”

Even didn’t move, didn’t speak.

“Want me to be here?”

Still no signs from Even. He lay there, starring out in the room, glassy, transparent, empty eyes. Isak felt the lump in his stomach grow again as he watched him. Didn’t want to lay down and didn’t want to leave. Knew Even was fighting his own thoughts now, his own demons in the dark. Isak just had to be there, silent and wait for him to either move or speak- He leaned his head back onto the headboard, closed his eyes and thought that he could give Even all the time in the world if he needed. He would be there, waiting for him.


	23. The twenty third step - one step back and one forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even struggles, and of course Isak is there all the way.

“You should leave me.”

 

He hardly heard Evens whisper after maybe an hour, but scooted down and lay beside him, a lot of space between them, but their heads at the same level.

 

“You should leave me,” Even repeated whispering.

 

“I’m never going to leave you, Ev.” Isak said. “Never.”

 

Even hid his head in the pillow and pulled the duvet over his head.

“You should, I hurt you.” Even continued, tremble in his voice, and Isak startled. His heart jumped a beat and he moved himself a bit closer.

“Ev. You did not hurt me. I swear. You did not hurt me. Please, believe me!” He whispered, but still pleaded.

“I bruised you.” He turned his head and looked at Isak with sorrow in his transparent, watery eyes.

“No, Ev. The kitchen table gave me those bruises. You made me feel good.”

Even hid his face in the pillow again, grabbing the sheets with his fists as if he had to hold on to manage to stay there. “I bruised you,” he just whispered again. “I hurt you.”

“Ev, please listen to me. If I had been hurting, I would have stopped you. I didn’t notice those bruises before you saw them in the bathroom. I swear; you did not hurt me. Please believe me, Ev.” Isak had to fight his own desire to crawl into Even and hug him. All the cells in his body wanted to wrap Even in his arms and just hold him.

Even turned his head, facing Isak again but his eyes looked out in the air, past him. Isak wanted to look him in the eyes but couldn’t, because Evens eyes flickered from side to side, still after some minutes his eyes stopped and Isak could look straight in the eyes, and he said firm “You. Did. Not. Hurt. Me. Even!”

Even just stared at him, closed his eyes, opened them again, stared and closed them. After a while, he started to breathe deeper and slower, and Isak realised that he’d fallen asleep.

 

Isak didn’t know if he’d got through to him, didn’t know if Even still thought he’d hurt him, didn’t know if Even – in his dark place – still meant Isak should leave him. All he could do was lay there and wait for him to wake up, because he needed to be there when he did. If he left bed and Even woke up, Even might think that he’d actually left.

The hours went by, and Isak made the time go by reading some medical articles on his laptop, scrolled through the news and surfing the internet aimlessly.

When his phone buzzed, time was already 1830

 

**MUM <3 18:30**

_“Hey.”_

_“Haven’t heard from you yet, I guess Lucas should stay with us until tomorrow?”_

_“Yeah, sorry for not letting you know!”_

_“No problem.”_

_Think it would be for the best if he stays..”_

_“Even if I really want him back home.”_

_“You don’t think it’s a good idea to drive him over now?”_

_“No. It’ll be too late and close to his bedtime.”_

_“I need a bit of time to talk to him when he gets home.” “_

_No use for him to get home and straight to bed.”_

_“I think.”_

_“You’re probably right. He’s got a lot of questions.”_

_“He really wants to talk to you, can he phone you?”_

_“Now is not a good time, I’m sorry.”_

_“Can’t leave Even right now, if he wakes he probably will think I’ve left.”_

_“Oh, that bad.”_

_“Yeah, or no, or I really don’t know.”_

_“He thinks he’s hurt me and wants me to leave.”_

_“That’s no news.”_

_“No, but this time he thinks he’s hurt me physically”_

_“Has he?”_

_“God no, mum!_

_“Sorry, just had to ask. I didn’t really believe it.”_

_“It’s ok.”_

_“Still don’t want to leave the room now.”_

_“I understand.”_

_“I’m sorry that I lay it all on you. I wish I could be both places now.”_

_“Don’t even think about it, Isak. Lucas’ will be fine. I’ll talk to him.”_

_“You take care of Even.”_

_“Please, tell Lucas he can come home tomorrow.”_

_“And tell him we love him very much and miss him so.”_

_“I will.”_

_“Good night, Isak.”_

_“Love you both!”_

_“Thanks, you too.”_

Isak sighed, a couple of tears run down his cheeks thinking about Lucas, and he put his phone on the bedside table. He turned around in bed so he could see Even. He was still on his side, face towards Isak, and his breath was deep and calm.

Isak closed his eyes and drifted off, not intending to fall asleep, but he must have done, because when he woke up he was on his back. He didn’t realise at once why he woke up but all of a sudden he heard it. It was Evens breath. It was rapid and uncontrolled. Isak sat up in bed and looked at him. His eyes were wide open, tears running down his cheeks and he looked terrified.

“Even? Baby?” Isak said.

“Hold…. Me….. Please” Even stuttered.

And Isak did. He crawled closer, put his arms around him and held on tight. Even grabbed for his body, clung to him again and buried his face in Isak’s chest. His body shivered and his breath started to accelerate more. Isak didn’t get it at once, thinking that Even just cried and that made his breath go to fast, but after a while he understood it wasn’t. It was way too fast, and I resembled a panic attack – something Isak was more than familiar with.  

“Breathe with me, Even, please.” Isak took Evens face in his hands and tried to look at him, but he had his eyes shut.

“Even. Please breathe with me.” Isak said again, a bit louder, not too loud, still Even did not respond. Isak could feel it in his own body, Evens pain from the panic attack. He knew so well, what it was like.

“EVEN!” Isak said even lounder, and now Even opened his eyes, “Even, breathe with me, please.” Even looked at him, glossy, wet eyes with fear.

 “Even breathe with me, come on; In one-two-three-four – hold – and out one-two-three-four – hold – and in.” Isak repeated it several times until Evens breath had synchronized with his own and he started to relaxed. Isak felt he could let himself relax a bit again, and took Even in his arms and they just laid there, both on their sidesEven with his head on Isak’s shoulder, and Isak with his arms safe around Evens back.

When Evens breathing was even, calm, and he probably had drifted of, and almost fallen asleep maybe three or four times, he tilted his head up and looked at Isak.

“I thought I had hurt you.” He whisper.

“You didn’t hurt me,” Isak answered.

“I really thought I had, and you couldn’t possible want to be with someone that hurt you.”

“But you didn’t hurt me, Ev. I promise; you didn’t.”

“I didn’t remember the kitchen. I still don’t remember.”

“I do. You were amazing. And you did NOT hurt me.” Isak held him tight. “You have to believe me, Ev. You didn’t.”

“I didn’t?”

“No, you didn’t.”

“You sure.”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Even just looked at him, and Isak could tell that he had finally reach in to him and sighed in relieve. Even drifted off again in Isak’s arms, Isak on his side, watching him sleep, and he eventually fell asleep as well.


	24. The twenty-fourth step - small steps upwards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even's a bit better and Lucas is coming home.

Isak woke up because of the light streaming into their bedroom. Saturday morning. The third morning now. He looked at Even who was beside him, still sleeping, and he turned to get his phone to look at the time. 0710. Early. He got out of bed, walked down to the bathroom, did what he had to do, walked to the kitchen, made four toast, a cup of coffee and got a new bottle of water from the fridge, back to the bathroom, got Even’s pills and walked upstairs again.

He put the food and coffee on the bedside table crawled into bed again, his back against the headboard, got comfortable, and ate while he watched the news.

He noticed Even waking up, and put his laptop away.

“Hey” Even mumbled after a while.

“Hey” Isak smiled. “How you feeling?”

“Better, I think.”

“Yeah?” Isak smiled. “I got you some water and your pills.”

“Thanks.” Even lifted himself up in bed so he could sit against the headboard too, before he took his pills and drank some water. Isak smiled.

“Wanna have a toast?”

“Half, maybe?”

Isak handed him the plate with toast and Even took a bite. Chewed slowly, staring into the air, focusing on eating, swallowed slowly as he had to force it down, took one more bite, chewed, swallowed, took another. Managed half the toast before he put it down on the plate and handed it to Isak.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Isak looked at him, tried to read him, but it was difficult. Even scooted himself down and laid back down under the duvet, and Isak followed him, first with his eyes, then he laid down too.

“Can I touch you?” Isak asked, almost whispering.

“Yeah. Can I lie on your arm?” Even asked, looking up at him.

“You don’t have to ask. I would never say no to have you on my arm, Ev.” Isak laid his arm out and Even moved closer, slowly placing his head on Isak’s arm and Isak pulled him closer and they lay face to face.  

“Can I touch your hair?”

“Yeah” Even mumbled, and Isak lifted his free arm and run his fingers through Evens hair, it felt good. They lay in silent for a while, Isak steadily carding his fingers through Evens hair, massaging his scalp slowly and carefully and Even actually made some snuggling sounds from time to time while his eyes opened and closed, opened and closed. Even eventually spoke.

“The kids ok?”

“Yeah. Still at mum and dads. Lucas wants to come home though.”

“He should.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“It would mean I can’t be here with you all the time like I can now.”

“I know.”

“And you’re ok with that?”

Even nodded.

“Ok.”

 “Mari?” Even asked.

“Still some fever yesterday. She should stay at mum and dad’s, at least until tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“Should I text mum?”

“Yeah.”

Isak was about to turn around and grab his phone when Even held him back.

“Don’t…”

“No?”

“… let go.” And Isak turned back and held him.

“I’m just getting my phone. Come here.” Isak shifted and lay on his back, pulling Even with him so Even’s head could rest on his chest while he texted Liv.

 

**MUM <3 09:00**

_“Hey.”_

_“WE would like Lucas to come home, like now.”_

_“We?”_

_“Yeah. Even wants him to come home too.”_

_“That’s really good.”_

_“Dad will drive him over.”_

_“Nice.”_

_“You ok with taking care of Mari until tomorrow?”_

_“Sure.”_

_“Your little sunshine can stay over the weekend too, if you need her too.”_

_“Sunshine, my ass.”_

_“She’s been so whiny lately, I barley call that sunshine.”_

_“Well, when she’s not whining, she is.”_

_“I agree.”_

_“And thanks.”_

_“They can drive whenever they want.”_

_“Ok.”_

_“I bet it will be soon. Someone’s missing his dads a lot.”_

_“And his dads are missing him a lot too.”_

_“And the sunshine.”_

_“Love you, give Even my love too.”_

_“I will.”_

_“Love you too.”_

 

Even sighed when Isak put his phone away.

“Mum,” he whispered.

“Want me to write something to her from you?”

“Yeah. Tell her thanks.”

 

_“Even wants me to say thank you.”_

_“Love you too, Even.”_

 

“Thanks.” Even mumbles before he fell asleep on Isak’s chest.

Isak opened the conversation with Andres.

**DAD <3 09:25**

_“Hey.”_

_“Hey son.”_

_“I understand Even’s a bit better?”_

_“Yeah, a bit.”_

_“Sleeping now though.”_

_“Good. We’ll be on our way in about twenty minutes.”_

_“Good.”_

_“Heard some more from the real estate bloke?”_

_“No, he’ll probably get back to me Monday.”_

_“Ok.”_

_“See you soon.”_

_“Soon.”_

 

Isak couldn’t help himself but kissed Even’s forehead when he snuck out of bed, he knew he shouldn’t kiss him without asking first, but what could he do. He loved that man so much.

He walked down and started to tidy things around their house. Hid the MasterChef jacket and cleaned the kitchen floor; there were some spots there from Wednesday night, and he thought those spots would explain themselves to Anders, but he did not want to explain them to Lucas.

 

He cleaned the kitchen counter, and put out two cups. He assumed that Anders would have a cup of coffee with him before he drove back. Isak walked upstairs again, put Lucas’ room back to how it was when he left, and checked on Even. He was still asleep, on his back, covered in both their duvets, even breath and his face actually started to get some colour. He had eaten half a toast, and that was very good. Isak took the remaining toasts downstairs and threw it in the bin, thought that small steps was far better than no steps.   

 

When the doorbell rang, Isak was in the hall in a second and when he opened the door, all he could do was catch Lucas who threw himself at him.

“Hey dad! I’ve missed you so much!”

“And I’ve missed you, sweetie. So much!” he hugged the boy tight to his chest. Isak reached out and gave Anders a hug, Lucas still in his arms, and Anders patted his back.

“Where’s dad?” Lucas asked. Isak pushed the boy slightly out of his embrace to look at him

“He’s sleeping. He’s not well yet, not at all. But he – and I – wanted you to come home, we’ll go upstairs in a while and see if he’s awake.”

“Ok.” Lucas said, held on to Isak’s neck, rested his head on Isak’s shoulder,

“Want a cup of coffee?” Isak looked at Anders and he nodded.

“Lime is with grandma and Mari,” Lucas said.

“Good. I don’t think taking care of a dog would be my first priority right now,” and Anders nodded to him with a smile.

“Lime will be fine with us for a while. Besides, Liv has fallen in love with that little fur-ball” Anders grinned. “Who’d thought that?”

“Yeah, who would?” Isak laughed.

They walked into the kitchen, Isak made them coffee and they sat down by the table. Lucas asked if he could watch TV, and Isak let him, as long as he kept the volume low.

“So, how is he?” Anders asked when Lucas had gone to the living room.

“A bit better. Thursday and yesterday were awful, you know how his mind is, turning everything against himself. He remember buying the cabin, and….”

“Yeah, about that.” Anders interrupted him, “If the annulment doesn’t go through, Liv and I wondered if we could buy it together. It looks like an awesome cabin.”

“What?” Isak gasped. “It’s a10 million cabin.”

“I know, but the one we have are priced to about 7 million on the marked, and if we split, it would be 1,5 on each, or 2 on us and 1 on you.”

“That’s not a split” Isak grinned.

“No, but you’ll probably get it in the end anyway, so what’s the difference?”

“I don’t want to think about that now, dad. Please. And about the cabin, we’ll talk about that later – if necessary. Ok.”

“Sure. Just wanted you to know there is a back-up-plan if the annulment doesn’t go through. I know how worried you were the last time.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Isak drew his breath to continue telling Anders about yesterday. He just had to get it off his chest. “Anyway, like I said, Even remembered buying the cabin, but even if he did, it seemed like everything was going the right way, until I got him into the shower. You know, he wasn’t able to manage it on his own, being too tired and exhausted. And when I teared of my t-shirt to get in the shower with him to help him wash his hair and stuff, he noticed that I had got some bruises on my chest, and he just went straight down again, thought he had hurt me.”

“Had he?” Anders gasped, “Hurt you?”

“No. No. Not at all. Quite the opposite.” Isak smiled. “But he kind of got that in his head and asked me to leave. Several times.”

“Oh, I know that hurts, Is. But you know he don’t mean it”

“Yeah, I know that, but it still hurts. Both because he actually hurts me by saying it, but most because it hurts me to watch him being so devastated and scared, and listen to the bad stuff he says about himself. Because he isn’t that person he describes. But he’s so fragile when some bruises made him go straight down into the dark again. It was awful. I have to be so careful with both what I say and do. It exhaust me.”

“I know, son. I know.” Anders grabbed his shoulder and squeezed it. “I admire you, Isak. Standing tall in this. You’re so strong.”

“Don’t feel like that, but thanks.”

There were some moments of silence, as they sipped coffee. Eventually Anders spoke, and Isak knew instantly it was a question from Liv for him to ask.

“Did it take long before he…. before he crashed? Wednesday I mean?” Anders hesitated, and Isak looked at him, knew he knew, but this wasn’t something Anders and he used to talk about.

“Half past four in the morning.”

“Oh.” Anders said, took a sip of his coffee, looked at him and drew his breath before he spoke. “You ok? Did he get… rough on you, I mean if it gave you bruises?

Isak smiled, Anders wasn’t comfortable now, Isak could see that, Liv used to have this talks with him, but Isak didn’t really mind talking to Anders either.

“No. Or like… not more that I can handle or … like enjoy. But the bruises was more like my fault, and I didn’t notice that I’d got them before he saw them yesterday, there were no pain that inflicted them.” Anders looked at his coffee and Isak saw the worry in his face. “Really dad, I’m ok, I was exhausted, but I knew – and I know – it’s the best way to get him down, so I was able to enjoy the night, even if it’s not something I want to do on a regular basis.” He smiled, and Anders actually smiled at that last sentence.

“I hope it will be a long time before the next.”

“Me too.” Isak thought back, “You know, I kind of don’t remember exactly the last time he had a full manic episode. It was before Lucas moved in.”

“Yeah, I know. Still, I kind of expected it to happen soon. Having a baby and all that.”

“Me too. We talked a lot about it before Mari came, and we knew it would be a risk. But now we’ve got that experience, and even if it was a rough one, it seemed that we pulled through it quite well.”

“You did.”

“Thanks to you!” Isak smiled. “How did you convince him into picking him up?”

“It was kind of easy. I just asked him if he wanted to get a lift, not having to take the tram, and with the dog in the box, he actually saw the sensibility in it.”

“How was he – at yours I mean?”

“Almost like he was here. Pacing around. Talking a lot; about you, he loves you very much, Isak. Don’t forget that when he’s down, no matter what he says.” Isak nodded. “And…” Anders hesitated “he talked a lot about what he wanted to…” he blushed, and Isak knew what was coming. “…do with and to you when he came home.”

“Oh.” Isak actually managed to smile “He did?”

“Yeah.” Anders blushed even more, and stared at the coffee like it was something special. “I was educated, you can say.” He looked up at Isak who smiled, and a smile came on Anders face too.

The tension broke as Lucas came into the kitchen and crawled into Isak’s lap. “Can I see dad now, please?”

Isak combed his fingers through Lucas’ hair, and kissed his forehead.

“Yeah, we can go upstairs soon.”

“I’d better get home. Liv might need some assistance with that fur-ball.” Anders grinned. “And your sunshine. Take care, boys.” He got on his feet and Isak walked him to the door with Lucas right behind.

“Thanks a lot dad.” Isak gave Anders a long warm hug.

“No worries, son.” Anders patted his back. “And you, sweetie” he ruffled Lucas’ hair before he lifted him up and hugged him “Be good to your dads, and listen to what dad tells you, it’s important.” Anders nodded to Isak and smiled.

“I know, grandad. Grandma said it about a hundred times before we left.”

“I know.” He smiled “Love you, kid.”

“Love you too, grandpa.”

Isak closed the door behind Anders, and they were alone.


	25. The twenty-fifth step - slowly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas sees Even again, and some domestic chores had to be done.

Isak held Lucas’ hand as they walked upstairs. Once they came up, Isak sat down on his knees in front of Lucas, took both his hands in his, and looked at him. 

“Listen, Luc. When dad’s down like he’s now, you can’t hug him like you use to. You have to ask him if it’s ok to touch or hug him. He might not want it, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or want to hug you later. Don’t be sad if he doesn’t want you to touch him or speak to him, ok?”

Lucas looked at him with a dead serious face and nodded. 

“But I can talk to him?” 

“If he’s awake, yes. If he sleeps when we come in, we’ll just sit in the bed and watch a movie until he wakes. It’s what I’ve been doing. Ok?”

“Ok.”

Isak took Lucas’ hand and walked into their bedroom. The bedside light on Isak’s side was on, so it wasn’t dark. Even was asleep, covered by the duvets. Lucas held Isak’s hand tight when they approached the bed, and Isak could feel that Lucas was somewhat nervous. He squeezed Lucas hand and smiled at him, to reassure him that it was ok. Even didn’t move, and Isak nodded towards his side of the bed and his laptop. Lucas nodded. Isak got himself seated with his back to the headboard and Lucas crawled into his lap and leaned into his chest. Isak got the laptop, and plugged the earbuds in. One for each. They watched science-kids and Isak could feel Lucas relax in his lap. He felt a flood of relieve and happiness run through his body from the warmth and comfort he felt from having Lucas home and Even beside them. He hoped that Lucas’ light mood would have a positive effect on Even too. 

In the middle of the episode, Even started to move under his duvet, and as Isak put the laptop away. Even turned around and looked at them. What Isak would describe as the smallest smile came on his lips and a tiny spark could be seen in his eyes, Isak breathed out, not realising he had held his breath. 

“Luc….” Even whispered, his voice was cracking and Isak felt a lump in his own throat and he struggled to get it down as he swallowed. He was so anxious for this first meeting, but it just had to be done. It had to be ok. 

“Hey dad.” Lucas whispered back. “I’ve missed you.”

“Luc…… I’m so sorry.”

“Why?” Lucas asked, and Isak feared what Even would say, held his breath again and had to fight with himself, not to grab Lucas’ arm and walk out of the bedroom. 

“You coulnd’t stay home,” Even drew his breath, spoke slowly “You don’t like spending nights away.” Isak breathed out in relieve. 

“It’s ok, dad. It’s ok to stay at grandma and grandpas. But I love being home with you and dad again.”

“I love that you’re home too.”

“Can I give you a hug dad? Please?”

Isak looked at Even, and he saw a little struggle in Even’s face, his brain debating if it was ok or not and if he could handle it. If it was too much or if it was bearable. If it would make him better or worse. However, it took him just a couple of seconds before he nodded and Lucas crawled down to him, snuck his arms around Evens neck and clung to him like a monkey. Moreover, to Isak’s surprise, Even actually put his arms around the back of the little boy and hugged him back. 

“I’ve missed you dad. I love you.” Isak could barely hear the words, they weren’t for him either, they were for Even. Even looked at him over Lucas shoulders and Isak spotted a smile in his eyes, and the transparency that had been there wasn’t that noticeable now. Isak could still see it, but it was fading. 

“Are you sad?” Lucas whispering voice broke the silence in the room. 

“Yeah” Even answered, closing his eyes. 

“Do you feel bad?”

Isak froze, he didn’t know what to do or say, it was the first time Lucas witnessed Even being down like this, and asking Even questions like Lucas did now wasn’t always a good thing. Isak didn’t like not being in control of what Lucas asked, but having two kids he might just get used to it. It wasn’t like this would be the last episode they would experience. He held his breath until Even answered. 

“Yeah” Even answered, not opening his eyes. 

“Can I sing you a song?” Lucas asked. 

Even’s eyes opened, and when they did he gave Lucas a tiny nod, “you can.”

Lucas pushed himself some inches away from Evens chest, turned on his back, scooted closer again, and started to sing, his soft, beautiful voice filled their bed, their ears and the room with the song, and Isak just looked at him and smiled. 

Daddy's home  
Now you can open your door  
Don` be afraid now, not anymore  
Daddy's Home  
I`ve brought only for you  
Strawberry coated with honeydew  
  
Only you and I can sing this song as no-one knows  
Listen to each little word carefully  
And before you come running quickly to the door  
Be sure the only one you open to is me  
  
Daddy's home  
Now you can open your door  
Don` be afraid now, not anymore

“Thank you, Luc.” Even said when Lucas was done with the song, he bend over and actually kissed Lucas’ hair and Isak just sat there, tears running down his cheeks and his heart filled with love for those two boys. Lucas amazed him, he really did. And he was so happy for Even, because Lucas seemed to do wonders for him. He leaned back and just admired them both, with a smile on his face. 

Lucas scooted himself a bit closer to Even, but suddenly froze, moved back, looked at Isak, and then at Even, “Is it ok if I come a bit closer to you, dad?” he whispered. 

Even looked thankfully up at Isak, and whispered back to Lucas “yeah, come closer,” and Lucas moved himself into Even’s chest and sighed as Even put his head down on Lucas head and closed his eyes. 

After a little while, Isak could see Even was about to fall asleep, and he nudged Lucas shoulder and whispered, “We’d better get down and make some lunch, Lucas. And I think we have to go grocery shopping. Can you help me make the shopping list?”

“Yeah, Lucas whispered, crawled out of Evens arms and was about to turn to lean in and hug him but he froze. 

“It’s ok, Luc. I really could use a hug.” Even mumbled, eyes still closed, and Lucas gave him one, got out of bed, and walked out of the room with Isak. 

“Dad really should shave” Lucas said as they started walking down the stairs “and you too” he looked up at him, and Isak couldn’t help himself but giggle. Of all things in the world, shaving was not something Isak had thought of the last days. 

“You think?”

“Yeah, your hugs are itchy when you don’t shave”

“Oh, they are?” Isak bent down when they reached the floor downstairs and rubbed his cheek towards Lucas’ so the stubbles rasped his skin.

“Dad!” Lucas looked at him but giggled too. 

“I’ll shave later – when we’re getting ready for bed – but we’ve got stuff to do before that! What do you want for lunch?”

Isak realised that having Lucas there forced him to think about something else than Even, and even if it made him feel guilty, not thinking about Even all the time, it also felt nice to have Lucas there. Now he had to take care of both of them, their needs were very different, but it made him feel good. 

“Toast?” Lucas suggested. 

“Yeah, that will do!” Isak said, and they walked into the kitchen, made toast and chatted, ate, made a shopping list (Isak hated shopping without a list, oh, who was he kidding, he hated shopping, but with Lucas it was bearable) and talked about what they should have for dinner, and what they would like for dinner the next day. In a blink of a second Isak felt that everything was normal – like Even and Mari were out for a walk or something – and it felt good, and he knew they’d be back to normal soon. He didn’t know when soon was going to be, but soon. Just had to get through the next days or weeks. They would manage. They would be ok again. 

Isak leaned back and thought about how he should tell Even that they were going out for grocery. Isak didn’t like leaving him alone when he was down, even if he was pretty sure that Even was on his way up, and was going to be fine alone. The problem solved itself as they sat there, when Lucas suddenly burst out; 

“DAD? You’re up?”

Isak turned his head and looked at him standing in the doorway, in his boxer and t-shirt, and hair in a total mess (Isak loved it). He looked tired but still, something in his face made Isak smile. He wasn’t grey anymore; the colour was more light peach, his eyes weren’t transparent and glassy, there was a tiny sparkle in them and his eyelids weren’t that heavy and Isak could actually see a his lips curl a bit, resembling a smile. 

“Yeah. Has been to the bathroom.” He drew his breath “And I heard you two in her.” The words came out slowly, but not as low as it had been earlier. 

“Come and sit down with us, dad!” Lucas smiled, patted the chair beside him and Even padded over and sat down. “Can I sit in your lap?”

“Yeah,” Even said and made room for Lucas and Lucas crawled in, curling up like a ball and tucked himself into Even’s chest. 

“Grocery shopping?” Even said low. 

“Yeah,” Isak nodded “there’s kind of an echo in the fridge, so I thought Lucas and I could go shopping.” Isak looked at Even while he spoke, looking for signs that would tell him it was not ok to leave, he didn’t find any; “You ok, being alone for a while?”

“Yeah.” Even said, leaning his head down on Lucas’ head, closing his eyes. Lucas and he sat still for some minutes, before Even moved “I have to go upstairs and lie down, Luc.”

“Ok” Lucas said, jumping down from his lap, taking his hand and tugged it “I’ll walk you upstairs, dad.”

Isak smiled at them as they left the kitchen. He smiled even wider when he thought about Lucas, how did they actually manage to raise such a wonderful boy? Isak didn’t know, but they must have done quite a few things right even if they felt like they struggled sometimes. He was so considerate, warm, caring, loving – and stubborn, full of temper, assertive, grumpy in the mornings – but his good sides outdid the flaws. Always. 

Isak finished the list while Lucas walked upstairs with Even. He heard them going slowly upstairs and into their bedroom, he heard the “thump” as Even lay down on the bed, and he heard Lucas small, fast footsteps as he came downstairs again. 

“We’re going now?” he asked

“Yeah. Put on shoes, jacket, beanie, gloves and we’ll be off.”

“Are we walking or driving?”

“With this list we probably should drive, but I feel like walking. Haven’t been outside since Wednesday. You ok with that?”

“Yeah, we can use the backpacks to carry the groceries in. Like we do when we’re at the cabin?”

“You’re a smart kid, Luc. Excellent idea!” Isak went upstairs and got a large and a small backpack before they headed out and to the grocery store. 

Almost two hours later, they stumbled back into their hall and put the backpacks down. 

“Puh, this one was heavy, dad!” Lucas sighed.

“I know – but mine is heavier!” he smiled, he’d probably been on the softest side today, bought both more Nutella, biscuits, chocolate, chips and two comic books even if it wasn’t on the list. But hey – he was just human. His son was both adorable, polite and helpful, so what could he do??

They carried the groceries to the kitchen and started unpacking. 

“I’m just going to check on dad,” Isak said, glancing over at Lucas. “Wanna come?” 

“No, you can go. I’ll unpack.”

Isak shook his head with a smile and walked upstairs. Through the crack of their door, he could see Even on his back in the bed, apparently asleep. He pushed the door more open so he could walk inside, and Even opened his eyes. 

“Halla” he whispered

“Halla” Isak whispered back. “Slept?”

Even nodded. “Woke up when I heard you and Lucas come home”

“Oh, sorry if we were loud”

“You weren’t. I just sensed you’d come home. I woke up to hear the front door open.”

“Oh” Isak smiled, they’d experienced that several times earlier, knowing when the other came home just seconds before it happened. 

“How’re you feeling?”

“Better, but still so, so tired.”

“Wanna have something to eat? Drink?”

“Maybe a toast. And water. Please.”

“Always.” Isak smiled at him “Can I send Lucas up to you with it?”

“Sure,” he said and Isak actually got a small smile in return, and it made that moment the best of the day – Even, finally smiling again. 


	26. The twenty-sixth step - worries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Isak and Lucas struggles with their thoughts and worries

In the evening, Isak and Lucas were in the kitchen getting ready for Lucas to go to bed. During the day they had watched a movie, had dinner, they had read the comic books, played with Lego, drew, and watched science kids. Even had actually eaten a whole toast earlier and Isak felt as if everything was moving in the right direction. He actually caught himself smiling when he looked at Lucas and asked; “What do you want to eat before your bath?”

“Just cereals, I think.” Lucas said, “Can you sit with me in the kitchen?”

“Of course” Isak said, “I need to eat something too,” got what they needed from the cupboards and fridge, and sat down with Lucas by the kitchen table. “You ok?” he asked.

“Yeah. It’s weird tough, dad just lying in bed while we are down here reading, watching movies, eating, playing and having a good time. He always play with me and Mari, be with us, talk with us, tickle and tease me when we cuddle, hug and kiss, smile, laugh…”

“I know, Luc. It’s weird, and you’re allowed to be sad about it. And you’re allowed to think it’s weird or stupid or feel whatever you feel. It’s ok no matter what.”

“Has he… like…..been like that all the time, sleeping, I mean?”

“Yeah, kind of. He’s been sleeping more than he has today earlier and he’s had a lot of bad thoughts too, but it seems like they’re fading now.”

“How can he sleep that much?”

“It’s just his body and brain being so tired that he sleeps all the time. And when he doesn’t sleep, his thoughts are so bad and they exhaust him, so he can’t manage to stay awake. He don’t want to either, he just wants to sleep.”

“Oh.” Lucas looked at the cereals, took a couple of spoons, chewed and put the spoon down. “Has he….like…. said something bad to you?”

“Yeah…”

“Did…..did….it make you sad?”

“Of course I was sad, but then I just had to think that it isn’t really dad saying that stuff. I mean he’s saying it, but it’s his bad thoughts, and those thoughts he can’t control. When I manage to think that, I can handle it.”

“Mhm.” Lucas looked at him and went silence for a while. Eating, chewing, and staring at the cereals. He put his spoon down when he was finished and when he finally spoke, it was just a whisper, like a prayer “He is going to be ok?”

“Yeah, Luc. He is. I just don’t know when. But you coming home today made him better than he was, I could see it. He hasn’t had any bad moments so far today and you singing that song was really good to him.”

“Yeah, I remember he told me he used to sing that song when he felt bad or sad when he was a kid, and I thought maybe it would help him.”

“It sure did,” Isak smiled at him as he put the spoon down too, “you ready for bath and bed?”

“Yeah.” Lucas took his bowl and spoon and put in in the dishwasher and Isak followed him.

They walked into the bathroom and Lucas got into the tub while Isak shaved, as he had promised.

 

 

“Dad?” Lucas asked when he was out of the tub, wrapped in a large towel.

“Hmm?”

“Can I sleep with you and dad tonight?”

Isak had thought about it, knew the question would come, and he had decided ‘no’ earlier. However, that was before Lucas had seen Even and he’d witnessed Evens reaction. That was before he’d seen Evens tiny smile again. That was before he witnessed Even pulling Lucas tight to his chest in their bed. Now he wasn’t sure anymore. Maybe Lucas sleeping in their bed was a good thing. Isak looked at Lucas and smiled.

“I think we’ll have to ask dad.” Isak said with low voice.

“Ok. I promise I’ll be quiet, not talk and not cling. I don’t need to sleep between you, I can be on your side, on the edge of the bed, I just… I…. I just….” Lucas talked fast and something seemed to be off.

“What is it Luc?” Isak sat down on his knees in front of Lucas and tugged on his towel to get Lucas to come closer to him.

“It’s just that… I…… I don’t want to sleep alone.” Lucas whispered and Isak could see his eyes filling with tears.

“Oh, Luc. We’ll ask dad, and if he don’t think he’s ready, we can make your bed a double bed and I can stay with you for a while.”

“But dad needs you.”

“And you need me.”

Lucas bowed his head, drew his breath and spoke, his voice was shivering; “I really missed you when I was at grandma and grandpa. I mean, I like being there, like a lot, and I love them, but I always miss you and dad so much. Especially at nights. And like, one night is ok, but three nights…..” he drew his breath once more “Last night I was awake and I cried, because I missed you so much.” Lucas looked almost ashamed at Isak.

“Oh, don’t feel bad because you missed us, Luc. It’s ok to miss someone. I missed you too,” Isak said, wrapping Lucas in his arms. “Did you wake grandma or grandpa?”

“No, they had Mari in their bed and I didn’t want her to wake up.”

“You could have talked to one of them.”

“I know,” he sighed, went silence for a while before he burst out, clearly upset with himself; “What’s wrong with me, dad?” He looked at Isak, tears running down his cheeks, and Isak’s heart bled for his boy.

“Oh, Lucas. There’s nothing wrong with you.” He held the shivering boy tighter to his chest and stroke his back, soothing movements up and down; “everyone are different. Some people – like Marcus – loves staying away from home and family and some people – like you – don’t like it at all.”

Lucas nodded.

“And now you’ve been worried about dad, missed both him and me, and that’s completely normal. You would rather be home with us than anywhere else in the world, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And that’s perfectly ok.” Isak placed a kiss on his head, but Lucas hadn’t stopped shivering yet, so he continued; “You know, before dad and I got married, and I was in med. school, training, I served some time at a hospital in Bergen. For four weeks. I think that was some of the hardest weeks I’ve had. You know why?”

Lucas looked up at him, “Because you missed dad?”

“Yeah, being away from him and from home was awful. I hated it. I didn’t sleep one night through during those four weeks, I was awake every night and missed dad so much, I cried too. A lot. I didn’t tell dad before I got home though, because I knew I would worry him. Just like you.”

“You just say that to make me feel better.” Lucas said.

“No, Luc. It’s the truth, I swear.”

“Oh” Lucas said and sighed.

“You see, you and me are two of a kind. Many of the things you think is hard, I think is hard to, or I thought it was hard when I was younger. But I’ve worked hard with those issues, and it gets better. Not everything, but something gets better, and somethings are still hard, but I’m an adult and have to do things that are hard. You are a kid and you don’t have to do everything that’s hard at least not at once. And sleeping away is one of the things you DON’T have to do if you don’t want to.” Isak pulled Lucas in for a hug, and Lucas at him and drew his breath.

“Ok,” he said, and curled into Isak’s chest.

They sat in silence for a while, until Isak’s knees were numb and he hardly could feel his feet, he kissed Lucas’ head and pushed him on his feet. “Come on, sweetie. Let’s go upstairs and see if dad’s awake so we can ask him if you can sleep with us.”

 

They got dressed – boxers and t-shirts – and walked upstairs and pushed the door to the bedroom open. Even moved in bed as they walked in, and Isak sat down and waited for him to turn around, being a sign that he would talk. He did. Even opened his eyes slowly, and looked at Isak.

“Hi” Isak said.

“Hi” Even closed his eyes for a while before opening them again. “It’s evening?”

“Yeah.”

“I need my pills” Even mumbled, and Isak got on his feet, turning his head to Even and smiled; “I’ll get them,” looked at Lucas and nodded towards the bed “you can sit down on the bed, Luc. Go ahead, I’ll be right back.” When he walked out the door, he saw Lucas slowly walk to the bed and sat down on the edge. He looked at Even and back at Lucas, and he knew that all Lucas wanted right now was to crawl into the bed and into Evens arms.

He hurried downstairs, into the bathroom, got the pills, got a bottle of water from the fridge and went upstairs again. When he got back to the bedroom, Lucas was in the middle of the bed, lying with Even’s arms safely tucked around him. Isak froze for a second, stared at them and Lucas must have seen the worry in his eyes because he said at once,

“Dad asked me.”

Isak nodded and sighed in relieve.

“I did” Even said, pushing his nose into Lucas hair.

Isak smiled at him and felt his heart swell out of happiness. “Your pills, Ev,” he said, crawled into the bed with them and gave Even his pills. Even lifted his upper body, took the pills with a sip of water and laid back again pulling Lucas into his chest.

“You ok with Lucas sleeping here tonight?” Isak looked at Even.

“I think so. At least for now.”

“Ok. Just let us know if you change your mind.”

“I will.” Even said and closed his eyes.

Lucas looked at Isak and whispered, “Are you staying up for long?”

“No,” Isak said, “Just going to check my mail and send grandma some texts.”

“Can you please stay with us?”

“Wasn’t planning to leave, Luc. Just go to sleep. I’ll be right here.”

Lucas closed his eyes, and Isak sat up against the headboard, took his laptop from the bedside table and opened his mail. Just junk mail and newsletters from the hospital and the medical associations where he was a member. He put the laptop away and grabbed his phone. There were some messages on it.

**BEST BUD 15:14**

_“Hey, best bud. Eva told me about Even. Let us know if there’s something we can do.”_

_“We’re here for you, you know.”_

**EMILIE 16:45**

_“Hey Isak.”_

_“Dag and I – and Fredrik of course – wondered if you would like to come over for dinner tomorrow. Nothing posh, just pizza.”_

**MUM <3 19:01**

_“How’s Lucas getting along?”_

_“Let us know if it’s something we can do?”_

**YOUSEF 19:25**

_“Say hey to Even from me, and remember, we’re here for you guys.”_

_“Lucas can come and stay with us if he needs a break. And Mari too, of course.”_

_“Don’t expect you to reply, just wanted you to know.”_

_“Take care.”_

_“We love you guys.”_

Isak smiled to himself, so good friends and family, they were so lucky to have them in their life. He answered Emilie’s message first.

 

**EMILIE 20:15**

_“Hi, Emilie.”_

_“That would have been so nice, but I’m afraid Even’s sick, so we have to do it some other time.”_

The replay came instantly.

 

_“Oh, hope he gets well soon.”_

_“Give him a hug from us.”_

_“Thanks.”_

_“We have to get together for dinner soon. It’s been way to long since last time.”_

_“Yeah, we think too._

_“Fredrik misses Lucas.”_

_“Lucas misses Fredrik too.”_

_“We’ll find a day as soon as Even gets well.”_

_“Yeah. Take care!”_

_“Talk to you later!”_

_“Say hi to Dag and Fredrik from us.”_

_“Will do.”_

Isak smiled. So happy for their new friends, but they hadn’t talked to them about Even having bipolar disorder yet, and it wasn’t Isak’s story to tell either, Even had to do it himself when he thought the time was right. Isak looked down at the two boys beside him, they were both asleep now; Lucas tucked into Evens chest, Even with his arm around him; he looked safe and comfortable. Poor boy, Isak thought, struggled so much with being away from them. Isak could certainly understand him; he struggled with being away from Even and away from home too. Not so much now as earlier, but it wasn’t something he did happily. Isak switched on his phone again, replying to Liv.

**MUM <3 20:30**

_“Everything’s fine. Lucas sleeping with us tonight. He’s actually wrapped in Even’s arms right now. Even’s ok with it. And Lucas is happy.”_

_“He told me he’d been awake and cried last night because he missed us so much. And he didn’t want to disturb you and dad because of Mari.”_

_“Oh… Poor boy. I didn’t know Isak. Of course he could have come in to us.”_

_“Yeah. Not your fault. I told him that too.”_

_“He’s really sleeping with you now?”_

_“Yeah, tucked into Even’s arms.”_

_“They both wanted it.”_

_“I think they both needed it.”_

_“Wow. I didn’t see that one coming.”_

_“Me neither.”_

_“I was prepared to switch between Lucas’ and our bed tonight.”_

_“You think Even’s on his way up?”_

_“Starting to get my hopes up.”_

_“Not sure of it though. It’s been just three days yet.”_

_“Yeah, but it sounds good.”_

_“Yeah, it does.”_

_“How’s Mari?”_

_“Better.”_

_“No fever when I put her to bed.”_

_“Eating and sleeping well now, finally, but she still coughs a lot.”_

_“Poor little thing.”_

_“Yeah, that coughing is bad.”_

_“Hope she gets a full night sleep soon.”_

_“Yeah, that would do her good.”_

_“She doesn’t exhaust you and dad?”_

_“You have to let me know if she’s too much.”_

_“No, she’s not. I’m not that old yet, Isak.”_

_“Didn’t say that. It’s just….. you’re not exactly used to having a baby with you 24/7. Just want to make sure you’re alright.”_

_“And comfort my bad consciousness when she’s not home.”_

_“Isak, please. Don’t think about it. We’re doing great!”_

_“Yeah, well. Good some of us are.”_

_“You’re not?”_

_“Yes, or no, or I don’t know.”_

_“I kind of worry about everything you know.”_

_“I love that Lucas is home with us – and I don’t want him to be anywhere else – but now, when they’re both sleeping, I start to worry about everything.”_

_“Like?”_

_“What if Even gets upset with Lucas, what if he says something to Lucas and Lucas gets hurt.”_

_“What if Lucas says something and upsets Even and he goes down again, what if Lucas hears Even says something to me and worries, what if Even says something about not wanting Mari to be here when Lucas hears it?”_

_“What if Mari doesn’t recognize me when she gets home. What if she doesn’t recognize Even when she gets home?”_

His phone buzzed the moment he sent the last message, it was Liv calling. Isak answered the phone as he climbed out of bed

“Just a sec, mum” he whispered and walked out of the room, closing the door carefully behind him. He walked down to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water, walked into the living room, and dumped himself down on the sofa.

“Just had to get out of the bedroom,” he sighed.

_“Hey, Isak. I just thought I should call instead of texting an answer to all your worries.”_

“Yeah”

_“You know things often works out much better than anticipated, right…?”_

“Yeah, I suppose….”

_“…and all your worries would probably never be an actual issue?”_

“Maybe, but what if…”

Liv interrupted him; _“You know Isak; Even told me once about a wise man that had told him something really clever.”_

“Oh?”

_“Yeah, the smart man had told Even that he shouldn’t worry about what happens tomorrow, because there might be an atomic bomb or something that could hit him, and then the issue would be a waste of time discussing. The wise man told Even that he should only worry about the next minute.”_

Isak blushed, and thought back on his own words. “Yeah, but..”

_“You know what wise man I’m talking about?”_ Liv interrupted him again.

“I don’t know about the ‘wise-part’, but I know I said those words to Even, yes.”

_“Why don’t you take up on your own advice?”_

“I don’t know. It’s easier to give advices than to follow them.”

_“I know, Isak. But I think you worry in vain.”_

“You do?”

_“If all you’ve told me are true…”_

_“Of course it’s true, mum, seriously…” Isak huffed_

_“Of course it is – sorry - however; it seems like Even’s over the worst part, and having allowed Lucas to stay in your bed, and actually hugged him; I think it’s going to be just fine.”_

“I suppose so…”

_“Yeah, and about Mari not remembering you, I doubt it. She remembers Anders and me, and we’re visiting like once a week. She’s been away from you three days. It’ll be ok, love.”_

Isak sighed, “I guess you’re right.”

_“I know I’m right.”_

Isak laughed, “I’m sure you do. Thanks mum. I needed that.”

_“You’re welcome.”_

“Can you come over with Mari tomorrow, please? I need to see her.”

_“Of course we can. After her morning nap?”_

“Sounds perfect.”

_“See you tomorrow, Isak.”_

“See you. Thanks again!”

 

He hung up and leaned into the couch, could feel the tears pounding behind his eyes when he thought about Mari. He missed her so much. She’d been living with them only for three months, but Isak couldn’t actually remember how their lives had been without her. It was just like when Lucas came to them. After only some weeks, they couldn’t picture themselves being without him.

After a while in his own thoughts, Isak picked up his phone again and decided to answer Sana.

 

**BEST BUD 21:30**

_“Hey best bud!”_

_“Thank you so much, and say thank you to Yousef for me. Really appreciate his message.”_

_“Even’s on his way up now – at least I hope.”_

_“Lucas is home again, Mari still with Anders and Liv.”_

_“We’re hanging in.”_

_“Oh, nice to hear.”_

_“You sure you’re ok?”_

_“No, but we’ll manage.”_

_“Actually had a nice day with Lucas today.”_

_“He came home this morning.”_

_“Sounds good.”_

_“Just remember to take care of yourself too, Isabel.”_

_“You know, you going down the drain doesn’t help Even at all.”_

_“I know, Sanasol.”_

_“I’m taking care of myself.”_

_“Both been eating and sleeping.”_

_“Helps having Lucas here though – kind of reminded me to do to the regular stuff to day..”_

_“He even got me to shave – my hugs were itchy, apparently.”_

_“Ha-ha. I can picture Lucas’ face when he said it.”_

_“He’s a good kid.”_

_“How’s he coping with Even being ill?”_

_“So far so good.”_

_“He’s been so wonderful; so caring and considerate that it kind of scares me.”_

_“I mean, shouldn’t he be sad or mad or something?”_

_“Not necessarily. Not all kids reacts with anger or sorrow. Some reacts just like Lucas.”_

_“But pay attention to him. Don’t let him put himself in the backseat all the time.”_

_“He has to let it out sometimes too.”_

_“Yeah, I know.”_

_“We talk a lot though”_

_“And he told me earlier that he had been sad last night and cried because he missed us.”_

_“I thought maybe he would be angry at Even or me?”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because Even’s ill?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“Or maybe not angry, but jealous, because everything is about Even now, and because Mari has been sick and got a lot of attention. And he had to go to Liv and Anders’ for three nights. Nothing is about him, you know?”_

_“It’s not Lucas’ way to act.”_

_“Besides you guys have been amazing talking to him and explained everything, and he’s a very clever and bright boy. He understands.”_

_“Just let him be a kid.”_

_“Don’t let him act like an adult even if he wants.”_

_“Yeah, see your point.”_

_“I won’t!”_

_“You’ll be ok, Isak. And we’re here if you need us.”_

_“Thanks, Sana. Appreciate it.”_

_“Go and get your beauty sleep, Isak.”_

_“And feel free to call at any time.”_

_“We’re here for you.”_

_“Thanks Sana.”_

_“I’ll go to sleep. Good night.”_

_“And thanks again, it means a lot.”_

_“Always”_

Isak closed his eyes and leaned back in the couch. Breathed deep breaths and thought of the day. It HAD been a good day, at least as good as it could be. He was really beginning to think it would be the start of the end of Even’s deep depression. He knew it would take days, maybe weeks before he was back to himself, but it was the beginning.

He got up slowly, checked if the front door were locked, turned off all the lights downstairs and walked up and into their bedroom. Lucas was still asleep in Even’s arms, but Even was awake.

“Hi” he whispered when Isak crawled into bed.

“Hi, I thought you were sleeping.”

“I was. Until I heard your steps in the stairs,” his voice was still low, talking slowly. “I thought you said you should stay?”

“I was. Uhm…  mum called, and I didn’t want to wake you up when I talked to her here, so I went downstairs to talk..

“Oh. They’re ok? Mari’s ok?”

“Yeah. They’re ok. I asked her to come over with Mari tomorrow. I just want to see her.”

“Yeah.”

“You ok with that?”

“Yeah. Want to see her too.” Even’s eyelids started to drop.

“You should sleep, sweetie.” Isak said lovingly “can I touch your hair?”

“Yeah” Even whispered, and Isak crawled closer, put his arm on the pillow above Lucas head and card through Evens hair with his fingers.

“I love you, Ev, now go to sleep.”

“Mmhmm.” Even hummed, and fell asleep. Isak watched him for a while before he pulled the duvet tighter around both Even and Lucas and sunk into his own pillow, closed his eyes and fell asleep as well, with a small smile on his lips. He was almost sure everything would be ok.


	27. The twenty seventh step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas got a nightmare.

_“Noooo”_

Isak heard the voice from far away. He didn’t understand what it was or where it came from at once, didn’t really know if it was a dream or if it was real. .

_“Nooooo, please don’t leave.”_

The voice was not far away, it was close and it was for real. It wasn’t loud, it was a whisper.

_“Please, please don’t leave.”_

_“Please stay”._

Isak opened his eyes. The room was pitch dark, and he couldn’t see where the sound came from, but he knew it was Lucas, recognised his voice. He put out his arm and touched Lucas, his body was sweaty, his hair was soaking wet. He fumbled around in the dark, got his hands under Lucas’ arms, and pulled the tiny body towards himself. “Luc?” he whispered, while he pulled Lucas into his chest, but Lucas didn’t answer. He whimpered in his sleep.

The words that he whimpered was not loud, not easy to understand because it came out like a mumble, but Isak thought it might be something like _“don’t go. Please, don’t go.”_

   

Isak’s brain was already on high speed, had to get out of the room to prevent that Even woke up, had to wake Lucas, had to comfort Lucas, mustn’t wake Even…. He lifted Lucas up in his arms, got out of bed as fast as he could, walked out of their room and into Lucas’ bedroom, turned on the bedside light and sat down on his bed, Lucas tucked close to his chest.

“Lucas?” Isak said, a bit louder than he had been able to earlier. “Lucas?”

Lucas twisted in his lap, grabbed him around the neck, and clung to him.

“Dad?” he whispered with sorrow in his voice.

“I’m here, Lucas.”

“Dad? Where’s dad.”

“Luc, dad’s sleeping in our bed. You had a bad dream, Lucas.”

“He had to leave, because….. because when he left, Ma….ha…..Mari could come home and I didn’t ha…..ha……have to sleep away.” Isak felt the tears from Lucas eyes running down and soaking his own t-shirt.

“Lucas. Dad’s sleeping in our bed, we’re both here and not going anywhere and tomorrow Mari’s coming home to.” His heart clenched and his stomach hurt because of the words Lucas had said.

“But he had to leave. So we didn’t have to leave. He left, dad. Dad left. Dad, you got to get him back home.” Lucas sobbed now, the grip around Isak’s neck was hard “You have to get him back. I want dad to come back.”

Isak suddenly understood that Lucas wasn’t awake yet. He was still half-asleep, still in the dream, the fear and the sorrow in his voice and in his body actually scared Isak.

“Lucas? Lucas?” Please wake up.” Isak shook Lucas shoulder carefully. “Lucas!”

 

Lucas body tensed up and the sobbing stopped. Isak heard him taking a deep breath and he lifted his head from Isak’s shoulder and looked at him. Eyes wide open, terrified like a deer caught in the light of a car on a dark night.

“Dad?”

“I’m here Luc. I’m here, and dad’s sleeping in our bed. You just had a bad dream.”

Lucas breathed out and in again, out and in, rapidly. “Dad?” His breathing accelerated, he was on the verge of hyperventilating, Isak could feel it in his own chest. He had to take a deep breath and forced himself to think and act.  

“Luc, take a deep breath and hold it please, and then breathe out. Do it with me.” Isak drew his breath, held it and breathed out, and Lucas followed him. They did that for a couple of minutes until Lucas had calmed down and leaned into Isak’s chest again. Isak’s shirt was wet from Lucas’ tears, and Lucas shirt was wet from his sweat, but that didn’t matter. He held the little boy tight to his chest and kissed his head.

“You just had a nightmare, Luc. We’re both here. Dad’s asleep and we’re on your bed.”

“He walked away.” Lucas buried his face into Isak’s chest, his voice was shaking as he spoke, “he said he had to leave because then I didn’t have to leave, and Mari could come back home. I don’t want him to leave.”

“He’s not going to leave, and Mari’s coming home tomorrow. It was just a bad dream, Luc.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” Isak carded his fingers through Lucas’ hair and kissed his forehead. “I’m sure. He’s asleep and we should go back to sleep to.”

“I’m sorry” Lucas said, burying his face into Isak’s shoulder.

“For what?”

“For waking you up,” he mumbled

“You can’t help what you dream, Luc. It’s nothing to be sorry about.”

“But what if I had woken dad up?”

“But you didn’t.” Isak recognized the feeling of ‘what if’s’ he had himself all the time. “You didn’t wake him,” he held him tight to his chest and could feel the little body starting to relax against him. “Ready to go back to sleep?”

“I don’t know.”

“You can sleep with us.” Isak was still carding his fingers through Lucas hair, and his head was heavy against his shoulder now.

“But what if I get a nightmare again and I wake dad up?”

“And what if you don’t, and we sleep all through the night and wake up in the morning?”

“Ok” Lucas sighed.

Isak god on his feet, carried Lucas out of his bedroom and into their own, put Lucas carefully down on the bed, tugged of their wet t-shirts and crawled after, tucking Lucas into his chest, wrapped the duvet around them and smiled. Even was still fast asleep on his side of the bed, Isak couldn’t see him in the dark, but he heard his steady breath and felt the weight in the bed on his side. When he heard Lucas breath got deeper and was sure he was asleep, he let the tears flow. He couldn’t help himself but wished he could talk to Even about it. Share the sorrow, frustration and despair he felt from Lucas nightmare, share the thoughts of what they should say or do. Share the feeling he got, the feeling of inadequacy and insecurity. But of course he couldn’t do that now, Even wasn’t well enough to deal with anything else but himself yet. Isak had been through several of Even’s depressive periods, and they were always this hard, but now, with the kids, Isak felt like it was even harder.

Isak drew his breath, turned on his back and closed his eyes. Pulled Lucas closer to his side, let him rest on his left arm and kissed his forehead. While he focused on his own breath, Even turned around in bed and crawled closer to him, and Isak suddenly felt Evens hand on his cheek, a cheek that was wet of tears. He startled, Even shouldn’t deal with him crying now. Even shouldn’t deal with anything else but himself now. Isak grabbed Evens hand and intertwined their fingers, hoping that he hadn’t noticed the tears.

“Isak?” Even whispered.

“Yeah” Isak whispered back, tried to make his voice steady, not to crack, he didn’t manage that very well.

“You’re crying.”

Isak didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t lie to Even, couldn’t say no. But how could he say yes and not make him feel bad.

“Yeah.”

Even scooted closer, loosened his hand from Isak’s grip and put his hand on his cheek again, brushed the tears away with his thumb.

“I’m sorry”

“It’s not your fault that I’m crying, Ev. Lucas had a nightmare, and I’m sad because of that.”

“Oh” Even said, still brushing his tears away, he didn’t manage to stop them. “What nightmare?”

Isak drew his breath again, couldn’t tell Even about it even if he wanted to. But he had to tell him something, but not that Even had left Lucas.

“He was alone and scared. Away from us.”  

“Oh.” Evens hand stopped. Isak felt the tension in Even build up, and he knew he had to say something to make it stop.

“I talked to him, explained that nightmares was just nightmares, and that he was safe here with us. No one’s going anywhere, not him, not us.”

“Ok.” Evens fingers started brushing his cheek again, and he scooted even closer to Isak. Isak put his arm out and Even curled himself into Isak’s side. “I’m sorry Is.”

Isak turned his head to him, wrapped his arm around Even’s shoulder “for what?”

“Not being there with you.”

“Not your fault, Ev. I’m ok. It just makes me sad that Lucas is sad.”

“Ok.” Even sighed and put his head in the crock between Isak’s shoulder and chin, and Isak felt an enormous happiness fill him up. Even was coming to him, Even was for sure on his way up, seeking his touch, seeking the closeness, wanted to lay close to him. Isak stroke his back up and down with his hand, and mumbled; “Is this ok?”

“Yeah.”

“I love you, Ev.”

Even sighed and tried to get even closer, it wasn’t possible, but Isak smiled at the effort. After minutes in silence, when Isak thought Even had fallen asleep again, he heard the low whisper from him, the whisper that made his toes curl and his heart skip at least ten beats; “Love you, Is.”


	28. The twenty eight step - Up's and down's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mari's coming home

Isak opened his eyes slowly and felt like something was wrong. He moved both his arms and there were nobody there. Not at his left and not at his right. He sat up in bed and looked worried around; only him in the bed. His heart started beating faster and he felt a claw tighten around his heart. ‘Breath, Isak,’ he told himself as he flung the duvet off him and got out of bed. He walked fast out of the bedroom, glanced into Lucas’ bedroom – empty – and hurried towards the stairs.

Half way down the stairs, he heard sounds from their living room – the TV was on – his heart calmed down a bit. He slowed down and walked as calm as he could the rest of the stairs and towards their living room. He stopped in the doorway and enjoyed the view.

Even was on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, legs on the coffee table and with Lucas tucked into his side, Lucas’ head was resting on his chest. Even’s eyelids were heavy, but he turned his head to Lucas when he spoke and he mumbled something back and Lucas smiled. They were watching some show. On the coffee table, there were two plates, one with a half-eaten toast on the other crumbles and traces of Nutella. Two glasses, one of them half full with milk and the other empty, but the traces of chocolate milk were visible. Isak smiled at the sight, he felt warm in his body and heart and had to blink a tear away. A happy-tear this time.

Isak walked slowly into the living room, and Lucas and Even looked at him.

“Dad, you’re finally awake!” Lucas smiled and got up, walked over and gave him a hug took his hand and dragged him towards the couch.

“Hi” Even looked at him too, and smiled a tired but real smile.

“You should have waked me up,” he smiled back.

“Nah, dad wanted you to sleep,” Lucas said, shrugged his shoulders, crawled back in to Even’s side in the sofa.

Isak looked at Even and tried to read his face, it still was difficult to interpret, but there was a spark in his eyes now, not like it was when he was well, but a tiny spark and a small smile on his lips.  When their eyes locked, Isak could also spot what he always saw when he looked Even in the eyes – it wasn’t as overwhelming and filling as it usually was – but he saw it,  there was fondness and unconditionally love in them, and even a tiny bit of that, was enough for Isak right now.

“Come and watch this show with us” Even mumbled, put his arm out to grab Isak, and Isak sat down beside him.

“Feeling better?” Isak whispered to his ear when he sat down, as close as he could get, seated himself behind Even and pulled his head down on his shoulder so Even could rest it there.

“Yeah” Even whispered back pushed his head even closer into the crock of Isak’s neck.

“Have you been up for long?”

“About an hour, starting to get tired.”

“You can go back to bed if you want.”

“I know,” he lifted his head slightly and put his nose under Isak’s ear and whispered; “I want to sit here with you.”

Isak’s smile couldn’t be wider if he had tried, and he lifted his hand to card his fingers through Even’s hair. “It’s nothing I want more than sit here with you, Ev,” he whispered and grabbed his hand and squeezed it, “and you, Luc” he added and ruffled Lucas’ hair with his other hand. Lucas turned his head and looked at them both and smiled, pushed himself even closer to Even and sighed, like he was relieved. And he probably was.

Isak felt Even’s body get heavier on his chest, could hear his breathing deepen as he dozed off, eventually fell asleep, and he didn’t mind. Didn’t mind at all sitting there with a sleeping Even on his chest and a happy Lucas in Even’s lap. Didn’t mind at all.

After a while, Even still fast asleep, he carefully slipped away from his back and tucked Even’s long body down on the couch and put the blanket over him. Lucas was still watching TV, and Isak ruffled his hair and whispered; “Just going to the bathroom for a shower. Grandma’s her soon.” Lucas nodded and scooted closer to Even.

In the shower, Isak debated with himself weather he should send Mari back with Liv or if she should stay home with them. He was painfully aware that sending her back with Liv would get both him and Lucas teared up and probably Even too. However, would he manage to take care of both Mari, Lucas and Even? What if… ‘No, Isak. No what if’s’, he told himself. Taking up on his own words from all those years ago; ‘minute by minute’ was what he was going to do now too. Mari was not going to leave with Liv, she was going to stay home where she belonged. Her home, their home, with them; with him, with Lucas and with Even. They were a family and he was going to keep them together, and they were going to be fine! ‘Listen, Isak. You’re going to be fine, all of you!’ he actually said that loud and clasped his hand in front of his mouth when he realised that he had and hoped no one had heard.

Isak got out of the shower, dried himself and got dressed, satisfied with his own decision. He just knew it was the right time.

He got his phone from their bedroom and saw the message from Liv.

**MUM <3 09:45**

_“Good morning.”_

_“We’ll be at yours around 11:30”_

_“Looking forward to see you!”_

Isak looked at the time, it was already 10:30, just an hour left before he could have Mari in his arms again. He walked out to Even and Lucas in the living room.

“Hey Luc?” he whispered so he wouldn’t wake Even.

“Yeah?”

“Grandma and Mari’s coming in an hour. Want to help me make some lunch for us and grandma?”

“Sure”

Lucas looked at Even, still asleep, leaned over, kissed his cheek before he turned around, and walked over to Isak reaching his arms up to him for Isak to lift him up. And of course Isak did, picked him up and gave him a hug. Lucas put his head on Isak’s shoulder and whispered;

“I didn’t tell dad about the nightmare, even if he asked.”

“He asked you?”

“Yeah, he asked if I had slept well after the nightmare, and if I was ok. I said I was.”

“Good.” Isak kissed his cheek “We can tell dad about the nightmare when he’s well again, but for now, we keep it to ourselves. You can talk to me if you want.” Isak walked them into the kitchen and sat down by the table, Lucas in his lap. “You sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah, but I was so scared in that dream. And angry. And sad. Because he said we’d be better off without him.”

“I know, and you’re allowed to be sad and angry about it. But it fortunately was a dream.”

“I know, but it felt so real. And we would never be better off without dad, would we?”

Isak smiled, and let a little laugh out, “No, we would definitely never be better off without him. Never, ever.”

Lucas sighed, and Isak carded his fingers through his way to long hair.

“Have you been thinking a lot of what to do if dad says bad things to me or you when he’s sick?” he asked Lucas, and Lucas pulled his head up fast and stared at him.  

“How did you know?” Lucas burst out.

“So you have?”

“Yeah…”

“Why haven’t you told me?”

“I didn’t want to bother you with that too…” Lucas looked down.

Isak took Lucas head in his hands, stroke his cheeks with his thumb, looked him in the eyes and said; “Luc, you don’t bother me when you talk to me about difficult stuff. You can’t think that we don’t have room or time for you or your thoughts. Your thoughts, being fears or worries or joy or anticipations, no matter what they are, they are important and you have to talk to us. Always. Just now, you have to talk to me, but when dad gets well again, you can choose.”

Lucas nodded.

“I’m never too busy to listen to you and other stuff are never more important than you, ok?”

“Ok” Lucas whispered.

“And if dad says anything that you feel is bad, or you hear him say anything to me, you have to come and tell me, and we’ll talk about it. Because even if it sounds like he means what he says when he’s down, he doesn’t. But it’s always good to talk about it.”

“Ok” Lucas hid his face in Isak’s chest.

“Anything on your mind right now?”

Lucas lifted his head and looked at him; “Is Mari going to stay or is she going back with grandma again?”

“I want her to stay. What do you think about that?”

“I want her to stay too. I can help you dad.”

“Sweet of you, Lucas, but you shouldn’t worry about that.”

“I don’t worry about it dad, I like helping. And I love being with Mari.”

“I know, sweetie.” Isak pulled him in for a tight hug, “I know you do. And thank you!” Isak kissed his head, and Lucas didn’t shrug from it, so he apparently liked it just now. “So, what should we make grandma for lunch?”

“Pancakes?”

“Why not? Wanna help me make the batter?”

“Yeah, I’ll get the eggs and milk,” he jumped down from Isak’s lap and walked over to the fridge, got the stuff out and put it on the counter. They worked well together, Lucas got himself a chair so he could reach up to the counter, stirred the batter and of course tasted it.

They managed to get all the pancakes done AND they cleaned before the doorbell rang. Lucas jumped down on the floor and ran to the hall, and Isak followed him quickly. He coulnd’t really wait to get his little girl in his arms again. When the door opened and Liv stood there with Mari on her arm, and Mari smiled to him and started to wave with both her arms and legs, Isak’s daddy-heart was calm again. She did recognise him, she did.

“Hi, sweet little girl,” he said and put his arms out to Mari, and Liv handed her over. He took her in his arms, kissed her little face and sniffed her scent. It was so wonderful to have her in his arms again. “I’ve missed you” he whispered in her ear, knowing that she didn’t understand, but still she smacked her little hands to his face and smiled.

He teared his eyes from Mari, looked at Liv, reached out, and gave her a hug.

“Hi” he smiled into the hug “nice to see you. Thank you for driving her over.”

“No problem.” She said, pulling away and reached down and hugged Lucas “how’s my favourite boy doing?”

“Good,” he said, “I like being home again.”

“I know,” she said, sat down on her knees “but Lucas, the next time you sleep at ours, please come and wake us if you’re sad? Promise me that.”

Lucas looked at her and smiled shyly, maybe a little embarrassed “I will, grandma.”

“Good” she said.

“Oh, we’ve made you pancakes for lunch, I helped dad with the batter. It’s ready!” he smiled again, took Liv’s hand and dragged her into the kitchen. Isak followed them with Mari on his arm, glanced through the living room door, and could see Even on the couch, still sleeping. When he entered the kitchen, Liv looked at him from her seat beside Lucas,

“Even’s sleeping?”

“Yeah,” Isak said, “he’s actually on the couch in the living room. He and Lucas got up first today and sat there when I woke up. He fell asleep around 9 I think.”

“Oh, small steps” she said, and Isak nodded.

They ate pancakes and talked, about everything and nothing, Isak didn’t want to talk too much about what had happened the last days when Lucas was there, and Liv understood without him saying. When almost every pancake was gone, and Mari started to make sounds that meant she was hungry, they heard slow footsteps from the living room. Isak got on his feet, gave Mari to Liv and walked out to see where Even was going. He walked over to him, slowly and greeted him with a low “hi”

“Hi Ev, slept well?” Isak resisted the urge to push some stray hair behind his ear.

“Yeah”

“Mum and Mari are here.”

“Oh” he said, and a spark came in his eyes again. “Mari?”

“Yeah, they’re in the kitchen”

“Oh” he said again, and grabbed Isak’s hand.

“Wanna come and say hi?”

“Yeah.” He said, and squeezed Isak’s hand.

They walked slowly into the kitchen, and Lucas’ eyes looked at them with a glow that Isak just loved

“Hi dad, you’re awake!” he smiled widely

“Yeah, Luc. For a while”

He walked over to Liv, gave her a hug and leaned in to kiss Mari on her head, her arms and legs started to move faster when she saw him, she smiled and made some sounds that probably meant that he should pick her up as soon as possible.

“I think someone has missed her dad.” Liv smiled, lifted the little girl up to Even who hesitated a bit before he took her in his arms.

“Hi, sweetie,” he mumbled, and Isak could see how touched Even was because of Mari’s appearance and the way she settled into his chest in his arms.

“Sit down, Ev,” he said “I’ll make her a bottle and you can give it to her if you want.”

Even sat down, didn’t take his eyes from Mari besides when he nodded to Isak’s words. Lucas walked up to them, pulled a chair tight to Even’s side, and sat down beside them, caressing Mari’s cheek and leaned his head into Even’s arm, the arm who Mari was lying on, tucking his chin into Even’s arm to get as close as possible.

“So, how are you doing, Even?” Liv asked.

Even turned his head slowly towards Liv, barely able to tear his eyes away from Mari, and careful not to push Lucas away.

“Better” he said, looked at Lucas and Mari again.

“God. I’m not going to stay for much longer, but it’s good to see you, Even. And of course you two too; Isak and Lucas.” She got up, Isak gave Even the bottle for him to give Mari, and followed Liv to the hall. She gave him a long hug.

“Don’t hesitate to call me, Isak. At any time, ok?” she said, almost whispering.

“I will,” he whispered back.

“Promise? No need for you get yourself exhausted.”

“I promise, mum. I promise.”

“He looks good.”

“I think he does too. And him giving Mari her bottle is something I didn’t expect to happen yet.”

“Me neither,” she patted his shoulder “I’d better leave. Take care, Isak, both of yourself and your family.”

“I will. Bye.”

“Bye.”

 

He closed and locked the door behind her and walked back into the kitchen again. Even was still feeding Mari, and Lucas was plastered to his side. Isak looked at Even; his eyelids was starting to get heavy, there were dark circles under his eyes and his head bowed down. Isak walked slowly over to him and pulled a chair into Even’s free side.

“Want me to take her?” he asked. Even turned his head slowly, looked at him and shook his head.

“No, I’ll manage till she’s done.”

“Ok” Isak said, and put his hand out and carefully stroke his back.

Mari took the last sip of her bottle as she fell asleep, Even let go of the bottle instantly and Isak managed to catch it before it fell to the floor. Even looked at him and Isak could see the exhaustion in his face, and he looked at him, smiled, wanted to let Even have this experience as a victory – he actually managed to feed his daughter despite the tiredness.

“Want me to take her to her cradle, or do you want to do it yourself?”

“I think you should take her” he whispered “I have to go to bed.”

“Ok” Isak said, lifting Mari carefully out of his arms and walked out to the living room, put Mari down in her cradle and tucked her in, carefully. When he looked back through the door, he saw Even waking out of the kitchen, his head hung down and his steps were slow and heavy. He walked over to him

“Want me to come upstairs with you?” Isak put his hand on Evens back, and Even leaned into him.

“Office” he said, and Isak steadied him over the floor, into the office, helped him down on the bed and he curled himself together. Isak leaned over him, tucked the duvet around his body and whispered;

“Sleep, Ev. I’ll be outside.”

Even didn’t answer – Isak hadn’t expected him to either – he just turned around in bed, buried his head into the mattress and breathed out.

Isak walked out to the kitchen again, where Lucas still was at the table, sitting with his head in his hands, staring out into nothing.

“You ok?” Isak asked him

“I think so,” Lucas said, hesitantly

“What are you thinking about?” Isak sat down beside him, and Lucas crawled into his lap.

“Was it my fault dad got tired now? Because I sat beside him and leaned into his arm?”

“No, Lucas. It was not your fault. Dad got tired because he chose to feed Mari, and you being here did not make him tired.”

“But he didn’t say anything when he left.”

“He didn’t say anything to me either. It’s kind of normal when he’s down.”

“Oh, but we talked so much this morning. I thought like, maybe he like….like started to get better.”

“I know, Luc, and he is getting better. Still it’s like a rollercoaster, and I’m sorry about it. It’s ups and downs, but the downs aren’t so deep now as they were some days ago. We’ll get there.” Isak showed Lucas ups and downs with his hand, using large waves at first then smaller.

Lucas nodded.

“You know, Luc. We have to take one step at the time. This morning he felt better, now he’s not feeling that good, but maybe in the evening he’ll feel better again, or not. We never know. We just have to be there for him you know. But it’s not your responsibility. If you want to do something different, like” Isak thought for a second “if you want to go and play with Marcus, I can call Jonas and get him to pick you up, or if you want to play with Kerim I can call Sana…..”

Lucas looked at him, shook his head whispered; “I just wanna be here with you, dad.”

“And that’s perfectly fine.” Isak hugged him tighter to his chest and kissed his hair.


	29. The twenty ninth step - Kriss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Appointment With Kriss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the Nice comments. I will reply to each and one of you, be patient!
> 
> Thank you for Reading. 
> 
> <3

The first days that followed went in kind of slow motion. Even slept a lot, but had periods that he was up, lying on the couch with Mari on his chest, or sitting in the couch with Lucas tucked into his side, and he could also sleep with his head on Isak’s chest some nights, and for Isak that meant the world.

Lucas went to school, but did not attend the after school program. He didn’t want to, wanted to come home, so Isak and Mari walked him to school in the morning and picked him up later. Isak loved the short walk to and from Lucas’ school and saw it as his golden opportunity for both him and Mari to get some fresh air.

Isak took Mari to the doctor Monday, and they agreed that she should get a thoroughly check-up at the hospital. Isak was glad they took the coughing seriously, because it had lasted for a very long time now. Leaving the office, he was kind of relieved – one more thing off his chest.  

At Friday Isak drove Even to Kriss. Even felt better and wanted the appointment to get things sorted out in his head. Isak and Mari waited for him in the waiting room, ready to take him home whenever he had had enough. The minutes went by, and he was still inside with Kriss after about an hour, Isak actually started to get a bit worried. Suddenly Kriss appeared in the doorway and asked Isak to come in.

Isak hesitated, Mari was asleep in her stroller, and he knew that the moment she woke up, she would be hungry and they had to leave. However, Kriss insisted.

Isak walked in and looked at Even who actually was on the couch this time – he never used to be on the couch, he and Kriss didn’t like the concept of the patient being lower than the doctor, but apparently the session had been tiring for him.

‘You ok?’ Isak asked with his eyes, not speaking loud.

Even nodded.

“I’m the one who wanted you to come in, Isak. I just wondered how you’re coping. I mean, it’s Even’s first episode after you got the kids. Talk to me.”

“Oh, well” Isak hesitated, “it’s different, but we’re managing quite well, I think. Lucas is an angel of course, and Liv and Anders taking the kids the first nights was good, so I think it’s been ok. Hard but ok. And we’ve kind of been through rougher episodes than this.”

“Yeah, I know.” Kriss nodded. “Can you want to tell me what was worst part was?”

Isak looked at Even on the couch, his eyes were shut, but Isak could sense that he wasn’t sleeping. Isak shook his head.

“I don’t know what the worst was,” Isak drew his breath, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, took his hands in front of his face and rubbed it, because he really did, it was just so hard to say it. So he said something else first “but maybe that I’m not able to do anything, not a fucking thing to make things better for Even,” he drew his breath, looked at Kriss, then at Even and continued: “Fuck, no; the worst was me being so exhausted when the manic episode started that I didn’t get it. I didn’t get it, and I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t. Because of Mari being sick, lack of sleep, worries about her, I didn’t see the signs so I couldn’t do anything about it, and I’m so sorry for that.” Isak felt the tears pound behind his eyelids as he looked up at Kriss and saw him nod.

“It wasn’t your fault!” the deep, soothing voice came from behind him. Even was on his feet and walked over. His big, warm hand landed on his shoulder as he sat beside him. Isak looked at him, a couple of tears slipped out of his eyes and he could see the sorrow in Even’s face. Isak grabbed Even’s hand.

“But I should have noticed it. I should have understood that you being up with Mari and me all those nights was a sign. I should have understood that your energy level was way too high, I should have….”

“You had more than enough taking care of Mari, there’s no need to feel guilty.” Even said, rubbed circles on his back with his hand, looking at him with his blue eyes, the eyes that were so close to what they used to be.

“I have to agree with Even here, Isak,” Kriss interrupted “you can’t take this on your shoulders.  An episode like this could have come no matter how many precautions you had taken, how many hours sleep Even’d got, how regular his meals had been. It was not a long and extremely high manic episode, and the depression hasn’t been as low as they’ve been before.”

“But…” Isak tried, but was interrupted by Kriss again.

“There’s no ‘but’s’ here, Isak. Even hasn’t had an episode in seven years, and that’s fantastic, but it had to come sooner or later, it came now and that was just bad luck, coincident, call it what you want.”

Isak nodded, let Kriss’ word sink in. Maybe it was the truth?

“Even? I understood from you earlier that you hadn’t skipped your pills?”

“No. Just Wednesday, when it all went crazy. I forgot them in the morning and of course in the evening.”

“But that wasn’t what sent you spiralling. Because you had started some days before?”

“Yeah.”

“It was a slow spiral, right?”

“Yeah, I just felt so good. So inspired, so creative, so invincible, when I look back I should have seen the signs and talked to Isak and you. But I didn’t, maybe because it’s been so long since the last time that I maybe didn’t believe it was an episode coming.”

“Right, and Isak didn’t notice because?” he looked at Even, and then at Isak “Even and I have talked this through, but both Even and I want you to hear Even’s side.”

Isak nodded, looked at Even as he spoke

“Because I wanted Isak to rest. I didn’t say I was up at nights, I saw that he was exhausted because of Mari being sick, and I just wanted him to get a break by staying up both with him and when he was sleeping, so I could take care of Mari too.” Even bowed his head “Even if I had promised not to. I had promised to sleep at nights. We agreed. And I’m so sorry Is.” Even looked at him and Isak couldn’t believe this man. And himself. Here they were, both feeling guilty of what had happened, both blaming themselves and there were really no blame to take.

“Ev. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you…”

“You blamed yourself” Kriss interrupted

“Yeah, or I did, but maybe not so much now.”

“Good, because blaming yourself for this won’t do anyone any good. What happened we can do nothing about. Now you have to look forward.”

“Yeah,” Even agreed, and Isak looked at him, squeezed his hand and nodded, looked at him and smiled, let himself get lost in his blue eyes that had the spark in them again. The moment was ruined by a loud scream from the stroller.

“I guess someone’s want some attention?” Kriss said, smiling.

Isak got on his feet and smiled “Yeah, she’s probably hungry. She’s been sleeping for a long time now.” He walked over and picked Mari up from the stroller, walked back and sat beside Even again. Kriss came around his desk and looked at her;

“It’s a beautiful girl you’ve got there, if I didn’t know better I’d say she was one of yours biologically. She reminds me of both of you.”

“Serr?” Isak asked

“Yeah, I know it’s not possible, but she does. She’s beautiful.”

“She is.” Even said. “And I’d loved to sit here and talk about her forever, but I think we’d better get home. My head’s feels like it’s full of cotton. I got to get to bed soon.”

“Of course, Even” Kriss nodded. “I’ll see you on Monday?”

“Yeah. 0900.” Even stood up and gave Kriss a hug “Thanks”

“No problem.”

Isak got on his feet too, leaned over and hugged Kriss “Thanks a lot. You do a lot more than your job requires, and I – we – really appreciate it.”

“It’s easy with you two.” Kriss just said,

As they was about to walk out the door, Kriss called him;

“Isak, just one more thing” Isak turned back, let Even take the stroller out to the waiting area

“Yeah?”

“How’s Lucas doing?”

“Oh, it’s difficult for him, but he’s good. Why do you ask?”

“It might be an idea to bring him here too. If you feel like it. And he wants to.”

“Yeah, maybe…” Isak thought about it “I’ll talk to Even and him about it. I’ll let you know.”

“Sure. My door is always open for you guys. Take care of your family, Isak!”

“I will. Bye Kriss.”

“Bye.”

 

They walked out of the building, Isak grabbed Even’s hand, holding the stroller with the other, looked up at him and said low “We’re kind of idiots both of us. Blaming ourselves for something that none of us can be blamed for?”

“Yeah, you’re right. We are. But we are each other’s idiots, right?”

“Right.” Isak smiled at him, and Even bent over and gave him a kiss.

“You know what? I think it’s time we get Lime home too? Getting this family all together again, like we’re supposed to be. What do you say?”

“You think you’re ready?”

“Yeah. I’m kind of looking forward to get that furball home, to get to know her.”

“Someone is going to jump in the roof when he’s back from school.”

“I know. Looking forward to that too!”  



	30. The thirtieth step - a good life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so, so sorry it's been ages since my last update. 
> 
> I've been back an forth so many times - should I finish it, should I continue? And how?  
> I kind of like this little family so much, and I really don't want to let them go. At the same time, this story can't be dragged out for ages, so.... 
> 
> This is the second last chapter. There will be one more chapter, but I've no idea when it'll be posted... sorry.
> 
> And maybe, maybe there will be a third – or is it fourth – story about this family later, who knows?
> 
> <3

After about three more weeks, Even was back on his feet again. It wasn’t like Isak woke up one morning and Even said; ‘I’m all good now’, no, it was more like a lot of small signs and steps that added up to it; like when he managed to get through the day without taking a nap on the couch.When he could make both lunch and dinner for all of them, when he could take Lime for a walk before they went to bed, when he could go to work and manage both his lectures and talk to his colleagues. When he could do the grocery shopping on his way back home from work, when he could walk Lucas to school, work a bit and then pick him up again. When he could make plans for the weekend with Isak, and last, but not least when they could make love again. 

Isak had missed it so much, he really had. He loved Even to the moon and back, and making love was important to him – to them - but when Even was down, Isak was kind of down too and didn’t mind the celibacy before he knew Even was ready. Now however, when Even was back, he really, really missed it, and really minded the celibacy. He wanted Even. He hoped he hadn’t misinterpreted all the signs, but he was almost certain he hadn’t, after all this years, he knew Even. So, what could a man do? 

Isak had planned it thoroughly: 

Friday; Even worked from home, and he used to be done between twelve and two, then they used to pick Lucas up and go grocery shopping with both the kids, went home, made dinner together and relaxed the evening through. 

That was not going to happen this afternoon.

Isak had persuaded Lucas to go home to Marcus after school – not a difficult job; he just had to ask him. Promising he was going to get him home before dinner and bedtime. – Lucas was no way near ready to sleep away yet, and that was fine. Jonas had probably sensed what was going on when Isak asked him, but Isak didn’t care. Not now. All he selfishly cared about now was himself and Even. And them being able to make love again.

What about Mari? Well wouldn’t it be considered a large coincident that Liv suddenly was on their stairs at 12 and wanted to take Mari for some hours? They would be back for dinner around 18? Isak smiled when he closed the door behind Liv. 

He walked straight into their bathroom, got undressed, put music on the speakers they had installed in the bathroom and turned the shower on. He knew Even would hear the sounds, and he would hopefully start wondering what was going on and come in. Isak pictured Even coming in to the bathroom, smiling, watching him, touching him, kissing him… he missed it so. Isak felt himself growing hard by the thoughts and he reached down, stroke himself a couple of times when the door opened. 

“What’s going on?” Evens voice sounded from outside the shower

“Just felt like a shower. Kids are out….” Isak opened the doors and smiled at Even, looking his body down and up, and stopped at his lips. He wanted to kiss him so much. Kiss him, touch him, hug him, feel him – everywhere. 

Even looked at him, smiled, looked at his body, his chest, his stomach and when his eyes rested on his dick, the smile got even wider.

“Eh… having a hard time there?” Even grinned, tugging his hoodie to get it over his head, unbuckling his belt, tearing the buttons open, tried to do it all at once.

“Kind of” Isak grinned back, reaching out, grabbed Even around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. A deep, sloppy, craving kiss.

“I’d better help you” Even mumbled into the kiss, stepping out of his trousers and boxers, grabbing Isak around the waist and walked into the shower, closing the door behind them shut with a loud bang. 

“I really appreciate that.” Isak mumbled, deepened the kiss, pushed his tongue into Even’s mouth, licking his lips, sucked on his lower lip and moaned. He kissed his cheeks, his jawline up and down, licked his earlobe, kissed down his neck, his collarbone, sucked so hard it would definitely make a mark. He didn’t mind. He wanted him so much, wanted to kiss all of him, wanted to taste him… 

Later when they lay in bed, Isak on his back and Even with his head on Isak’s chest, Even whispered; 

“Thank you so much, Is. Thank you for taking care of me, thank you for taking care of the kids, thank you for being so patient with me, thank you for everything.”

“Ev, you don’t have to thank me. I love you. Always. When you’re up, when you’re down, when you’re angry, sad, happy, excited. Always. Never doubt that, please.”

“I do not doubt it, but I just want you to know how much I appreciate it. How much it means to me. How much I love you.”

“And I love you. So much. And I have to admit that I’ve missed this. So much.”

“Me too, Is. Mee too. Thank you for arranging this.”

“You’re very welcome.” Isak giggled, “It wasn’t hard, even if both Jonas and mum saw straight through me when I asked them to take one kid each. They know what we’ve been doing.”

“Couldn’t care less” Even smiled, kissed his chest, let his tongue swirl around his nipple, and his hand travelled down his stomach, caressing him slowly down, avoiding his dick, but touched his thighs with featherlight fingertips, let his fingers lightly play with his balls. “Up for round three?” Even looked up at him through his eyelashes, a wide grin on his face.

“You bet” Isak grabbed his neck and pulled him up for a kiss. 

They didn’t get out of bed until about five. 

“I’ve kind of promised your mum dinner at six,” Isak mumbled against Evens neck as he pulled him in for a hug when they came down to the kitchen. 

“Oh, you did? You thought I should cook?”

“Do you want to? We can order take away?”

“No can do. I want to cook. Did you have something planned?”

“Not really, but we’ve got pasta and rice, chicken, sausages, and some minced beef.”

“Ok, I’ll fix something.”

“Nice” Isak leaned in and kissed him. “I’ll take Lime for a walk and pick Lucas up on my way. See you in a while.”

“Yeah. Have a nice walk. I love you, Is.”

“I love you too, Ev.”

They kissed, an Isak got Lime and walked out. During his walk down the street, he started thinking. How he had managed this episode, and how proud he was of both himself, Even and not at least about Lucas. He thought Lucas had been amazing the whole way and it was his first experience with Evens manic and depressive period, and he had coped amazingly. Isak sometimes wondered what he was made of. 

He got over to Jonas’ and Evas place, and rang the doorbell. Jonas opened the door, and the biggest grin appeared on his face when he saw Isak. 

“Hey, hey. Got yourself out of bed? And able to walk all over here? I thought Even was going to give you a hard time…?” Jonas grinned and winked. 

“Yeah, yeah. You can make as much fun as you want, I don’t care!” Isak grinned widely “We had the best afternoon in weeks, and thank you so much for having Lucas over.”

“As long as you are happy I am, Is.” 

“Thanks.” Isak looked at him. “I mean it, Jonas. It really means a lot to me, knowing you’re here, and here for us.”

“Hey, bro. You’re here for us too. It hasn’t always been easy for us, and you and Even has always been there for us. I love you, Is.”

“And I love you, Jonas. AND I’m looking forward to you moving down our street, then I don’t’ have to walk so far. My ass fucking hurts…” Isak looked at Jonas, and Jonas burst out laughing. 

“I’ll drive you back home. Lime, Luc and you.”. 

“Thanks.”

Isak got Lucas and Lime out of the car, and headed to the front door as it swung open, and Liv came out. 

“There you are, boys. I started to think you’d got lost. Jonas drove you home, how nice?”

“Yeah, he thought it was a bit far for Lucas to walk” Isak said, as he waved to Jonas who was driving away. 

“I had managed, dad.” 

“I know, but it was starting to get late, and dad probably has dinner ready.”

“He has.” Liv smiled, “and your little sister’s waiting for her brother and dad for cuddles.”

“Mari” Lucas mumbled, pushed himself behind Liv, rushed into the livingroom and Liv followed him. 

“It’s not just because of Lucas Jonas drove you back, is it?” Evens voice sounded from the hall when Isak walked through the door.

“Nah, my ass hurts.” 

Even laughed. “Can’t imagine why?”

“Oh, you don’t?” 

“Well maybe.” He wrapped Isak in a hug and kissed him firmly. “But I would be happy to do it again. Soon.”

“Well not tonight, I’m afraid.”

“Not tonight. I’m not sure I can even get it up tonight. But cuddles in bed are a good option.”

“Yes, and tonight I think we’ll have a family cuddle in bed. All four of us.” Isak said, wrapped his arms around Evens neck and kissed him back. 

“Sounds like a plan.” Even mumbled into the kiss. 

“Sounds like a life.” Isak added. 

“A good life.” Even hummed and held him tight. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, comments and kudos. 
> 
> Really appreciate it!
> 
> <3


End file.
